Advice Column: Ummm...That's Not Like Athlete's Foot

Dear Ghetto Genius,

I can't believe I'm writing to you about this but who better to answer my question than the man who tells it like it is! Huge fan and thank you for the constant laughs. You make my day literally every day. I can't even sometimes. So to my question or should I even say problem...

So I was recently in Vegas last weekend and met this hot guy. We had drinks, hung out all night and ended up doing it in the bathroom. As you can probably imagine, the bathroom was probably not the best place to have unprotected sex for the first time but it is what it is. 

Any way, a few days after our little sexcapade (thanks for the word, btw), I felt something weird when I went to go pee and ended up with some gnarly rash. 

I have no idea what to do and think it's because we were in an unsanitary bathroom. I'm not saying you've had my symptoms from fucking tons of chicks in bathrooms, but if you have, is this what you experienced. 

I have a doctor's appointment next week and told the nurse I think it's like some sort of athlete's foot. 

Please don't think less of me but give it to me straight since you're cool like that. 

You're the best,
What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me



Dear What Happens In Vegas, Came Home With Me,

You got that fucking right! And for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

You were in Vegas, met a guy, fucked him in a bathroom, then a few days later, shot flames out of your vagina and also got a rash...and you think it was because you fucked in an unsanitary bathroom???

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MINUTE!

DID YOU JUST TURN 21?

Did you fail Sex Ed?

Are you fucking retarded or deaf?

This is a joke, right? Where is Ashton Kutcher because I think I've just been Punk'd.

Lord, for someone who grew up Catholic but has failed to go to church the last 15+ years, please pray for this fucking girl because she needs Jesus. As much Jesus as she can get. Amen.

Sorry to break this to you, sweet heart, but in no way, shape or form does your bitch ass have any kind of athlete's foot. Shit, you don't even have a form of a staph infection.

What you have Whorey Holly, is a motherfucking STD. You heard that right.

S-T-D.

SEXUALLY

TRANSMITTED

DISEASE

VAGINA CHEESE

A HUMAN FLAMETHROWER

A FIREY PIT OF HELL

AN EXPIRED GHOST PEPPER

And of all places of contracting it...it was in motherfucking LAS VEGAS! Hahaha! Are you shitting me right now, people?!

Here's the other kicker, not only were you in Vegas BUT, you were probably there during the Syphilis outbreak going on right now.

Don't believe me? Check it here:

Syphilis Outbreak Plaguing Vegas

Now, I don't know how to say this but, you have got to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on this planet to think you got those symptoms from boning in a bathroom. Unless a bunch of naked and filthy homeless people had an orgy in that same bathroom, 5 minutes prior to you and hot guy going in there, and those same homeless people being butt ass naked blowing loads everywhere, beyond the eye can see, then rubbing their feet, anuses and every body part on every inch of that stall, then MAYBE I'd say, "Ok, maybe that's why." But guess what? It ain't. You fucked a dude who currently has something and did his good deed in passing it on to you. Was it a dick move on his part if that is the case? Absolutely. However, are you the total dumbfuck to actually bang a dude who you've known for 1 hour and 3 minutes because he was hot and bought you a $27 cosmo? I'm pretty sure that is a YES. Oh, and to dig a little more into that wound you're bleeding so much out of, were you dumb as shit to fuck him in a bathroom and let him go raw dog on you? Survey says...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

Let's not get it twisted, I'm a sucker for going raw dog. It's how I roll. On the same token, at least I pick and choose who I want to go raw dog with. Now, a majority of women would at least say something...anything...to the extent before fucking a guy. For example:

1) Do you have a condom?
2) Are you seeing anyone?
3) Are you clean?
4) Do you have a condom?
5) Are you clean?
6) Wanna grab a pizza later?
7) Do you have a condom?
8) Are you clean?

See where this is going?

But let me guess...you were "in the moment". Or ,"I wasn't expecting it to be like this". Better yet..."I was drunk...I wasn't all there when it all happened so fast." Am I getting hotter like the pee you're slanging out of your vagina?

I, my friend, have done my very fair share of fucking random broads in Vegas. How-the-fuck-ever, every time I did, with exception to this one time (because I was drunk and she claimed she was a Mormon...stop judging), I ALWAYS used a condom. Better yet, these chicks I banged, all had one in their purse like it was a goddamn breath mint. Whores. BUT, very smart and safe whores.

Form of athlete's foot? Bitch, this wasn't like you were on your dorm floor heading to the showers one day and while you were in there, realized you forgot your fucking shower shoes and actually got athlete's foot or some sort of fucked up fungus growing on one of your limbs. Nice try though. SMH.

There are no words of advice other than, you need to stop watching the fucking Kardashians and open up a book once in a goddamn while. Go see your doctor, have them prescribe you some meds so you stop having to pee in open areas so you don't burn anything down. Oh, I would also suggest, if you have that hot guy's number, to make sure he knows what he gave you. I'm pretty sure he knows but it's always nice to remind greedy ass dudes who just care about the pussy. Lastly, go to Costco and buy a lifetime supply of condoms and anything that a gun can't even penetrate through. It is your kind that is fucking up our universe because you want to do adult things but are too stupid to know what the fuck to do when you get hit with adult consequences.

Take care of your flamethrower and chill out on the dick for awhile. I don't know what it is to have a rash, whatever the fuck else and shoot stars out of your vagina...but I'm sure it ain't comfortable one bit.

Good luck and remember to consult an adult when trying to make adult decisions.

I'm out,

J-Wun