Advice Column: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Hi Ghetto Genius Headquarters:

The story is like this. I have a friend who I have known since high school. He has always been somewhat full of himself and tried a little harder than others to seem "cool". But nothing more than I couldn't handle.

But ever since college, I have started to grow impatient with him. Probably because I have started working almost full time to support myself while going to school. My life was definitely harder, so I wanted it to be simpler in areas I could help. I have since removed a few people from my life because they brought nothing but negativity. He is the latest friend I want to get rid of but he keeps coming back. He texts and if I don't reply he will text even more then I feel like I have to respond. I have been telling him that I'm too busy with work, which is true. I have been working for more than 9 days without rest.

With other people I stopped associating myself with I simply just ended contact with them and they seemed to have got the message and never bothered me again.

He is arrogant and lies in front of me to other people about the things I know the truth of. For example, his parents pay for his college tuition, but he tells people his part time job pays enough for tuition costs. And his parents bought a new mercedes for his sister because she is getting married. When he told me about it I was like cool and he proceeded to list all three mercedes models to me. He knew I knew nothing about cars, and I didn't even ask which ones his family had. It felt like he just wanted to show off. He's even said that he will never drive anything less than a mercedes, but I'm like what gives you the right to say that? He's graduated from college, and doesn't know what he wants to do. Only works part time. Everything he has was blessed to him by his parents, except for that part time job which pays slightly above minimum wage. Everytime he talks to me I just want to end the conversation immediately. I really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. But he seems to not be getting the message.

If it was a relationship I could easily say look it's not working out. I'm better off without you. It's harsh but its true. But how do you do that to a friend? Is there a way I don't know about?

- How to break up with a friend?



Dear How To Break Up With A Friend,

Look homie, I ain't gay (and I don't have a problem with my homosexual pimps and hoes), but either your homeboy has a thing for you or he's just another dude that is a Monkey Mouth Bitch.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Not sure what's worse, your homie acting like a needy cunt or you acting like a scared vagina breaking off a friendship.

Last I checked, this wasn't your girlfriend and second, what fucking guy comes to another guy for advice to break off a friendship with another guy? Man, I love you but shit, you're making this super hard for me not to slay the fuck out of you this whole fucking column. But hey, that's why you fucking wrote me right? To put hair on your goddamn chest and call you out when you're acting like a little bitch.

Actually, now that I think about it, I remember when I was in this SAME EXACT situation you were in. Yeah...it's all fucking coming back to me now...

I remember it like I was in 3rd grade. I wonder why????????

BECAUSE I WAS YOU DUMB FUCK.

C'mon man. You really need advice on how to break up with your homeboy? You shitting me right now?! You're a grown ass fucking man and you, as a fucking man (or lack thereof), doesn't have an inch of foreskin to tell your buddy, "Yo bro, you a bitch. The only bitches I kick it with are ones who like to Netflix and chill. I can't be dealing with male bitchassness. Kick rocks, playa."

No sir. Not you. Instead, you come writing to me with your "wah wah" Mickey Mouse bullshit in hopes I will have this Dali Lama, politically correct, insight on how to break your friend's heart so you probably don't look like a fucking dick, right?

Unless this cat took a bullet for you, jumped out in front of a car for you or better yet, fucked you in the butthole/cinnamon ring while playing a game of "let's just see what happens," why the fuck are you making this shit difficult? What in God's fucking name do you owe this guy? I mean, did you suck his dick one night when you were wasted and are afraid if you tell him to kick rocks, he's gonna tell people you like to "YouTube and kneel"?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

You sound worse than 65% of the broads that write into me with their problems, bitchacho. You're a dude, bro. Not even the most feminine of men would come to me with some shit like this. Real talk. Straight up.

I get it's frustrating that your bromigo makes up stories to other folks. You know what I would do if that shit happened? I would call that motherfucker out so he looks like a little mark ass bitch because mark ass bitches deserve to get called out. Sack the fuck up, man! You're acting like this is make-or-break. Unless this dude is planning on paying your bills and taking care of you for the rest of your goddamn life, why think about how you're gonna break the bad news? If this friend ain't your cup of tea anymore, then tell him and stop being a pussy. Pussy.

Tell me this, if dude is your friend, why on earth would you want to cut him loose? Do friends do that to one another? If so, it's probably because you'd be better off without them, right? Do you want to be better off without him? From your baby ass email, it sounds like you do.

So again...

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ADVICE ON TELLING THIS GUY TO KICK ROCKS?

You gonna get back together with him, sweetheart?

You gonna catch feelings one day when you're in your car listening to Adele and remembering the "good 'ol days" with your homie, Zack Attack?

Oh wait...lemme guess...when you need attention because no woman will ever give it to you, you're gonna want him back?

Duuuuuuuude, right now, I think these readers have lost 80% respect for you and your manhood and 20% of whatever is between your legs. Here's a hint...it ain't a penis.

So in short, to summarize my advice:

- Stop being a bitch because you're a major one at this moment in time.

- Fuck your homeboy...figuratively, not literally. Unless you want to coat his Cinnabon.

- Tell him how it is.

- Stop being a bitch.

- Stop being a bitch.

- Go get laid or find a new hobby.

All Men Are Created Equal...except you. You are a Vagina Boy,

J-Wunder