Advice Column: Not The Ass To Mouth She Was Expecting

Dear J-Wunder,

This is really embarrassing but if I could come to anyone, it would be you. Here it goes - I just got out of a bad break up a few weeks ago and was out with my girlfriends looking for a rebound. I met this super hot guy that night and we ended up going back to his place. One thing led to another and we started having amazing sex. I pretty much am game for anything and everything and can get crazy from time to time. About 20 minutes into it, he puts it in my butt and he's going to town. I'm loving it from behind and as I cum, I tell him I want to suck his cock. As he comes around and I start sucking, I noticed within seconds that he had poop on his penis because I ended up swallowing it. Grossed out, I end up puking all over him and he's freaking out because he has no idea what is going on (since it's dark in the bedroom). I scream and run out and haven't spoke to him since. I'm sooooo embarrassed and don't know what to do because he was a cool guy that I wouldn't mind dating. He never knew why I puked and has texted me to see if I was ok. He thinks I might have been too drunk and just got sick. Do I tell him the truth or act like I really was sick? My fear is that if he liked doing the whole ass to mouth thing, this could happen again. 

Your advice is appreciated. 

Your biggest fan,
ATM Gone Wrong



Dear ATM Gone Wrong,

What in the actual fuck did I just read?! WOW! Hahahahaha! I'm LOL'ing like a motherfucker right now. Holy shit (no pun intended). A night with a rebound went from 0 to shit in your mouth real quick, huh? Goddamn. Let me contain my laughter because this is not only fucked up, but you really can't make this stuff up. This is why I love you fans so goddamn much. You motherfuckers just leave it all out there with no fucks to give. Ok, let's begin shall we?

Sex can go one of two ways:

1) Amazing

2) A complete fucking disaster

In your case, it was one AND two. I mean, I get it. Things like this happen. People are probably sitting there shaking their heads and saying, "No it doesn't, J." Guess what people? Y'all motherfuckers are goddamn liars and need to be real with yourselves right now. I know some of you guys haven't had some extreme shit happen with your man or woman, but you can't tell me for a goddamn second that you haven't farted on your man's ball sack when he was fucking you missionary or that your gal started her period and it looked like a crime scene when she was riding you reverse cowgirl. When people bone, you gotta expect the unexpected sometimes. In your case Miss Freak in the Sheets, you not only let your man hit the Hershey Highway, but you got a little doo-doo in your mouth and puked all over his confused ass.

I had a situation like you back in 2000. I was banging this broad after we met at a bar and had some drinks. We get back to her place and like your situation, shit was ON! I'm fucking her, she's fucking me. We're kissing, sucking, screaming God's name in vain…the whole 9. It was another night of great sex…that's until she had me sit up on her bed so she can ride me while I sucked on her boobies.

She's bumping and grinding my shit like I was Seabiscuit and it was beyond magical. With her boobies in my mouth, she's saying all kinds of weird stuff and is about to cum all over my Johnson. Then, right as I feel her pussy grasp my cock like an anaconda death choke, she lets out a scream, but not like one where you are cumming your brains out. I know what that sounds like. Confused at first, I'm like, "Yeah baby, yeah! Cum for me baby!!! Get that shit!!! Westside til I die, bitch!" I'm in the zone about to shoot my wad when she frantically gets off me and runs to the bathroom with the quickness. I'm wondering what the fuck just happened when at that moment of "What the fuck," I start to blow my load and I cum on my own face. That's right, I straight went bukkake on myself. It gets worse…

Freaking the fuck out because I just Peter North on my mug, I feel something wet on and around my balls. I go to feel what it is (thinking it's probably her lovely vaginal juices), bring my fingers to my nose to smell it and start to gag furiously. Why do you ask? Because what I just felt and smelt was SHIT, people! But not like a full-on shit. But not a Hershey squirt. It was the stuff towards the end of your shit where it's not a lot but enough to say, "Yeah, that's shit. You should go change your pants, mang" kind of shit. You with me on this?

Covered in my own semen with her dookie on my fingers, I jumped out of her bed and ran to the bathroom to try and clean myself off. It was then and right then the door was locked and the broad was in there crying and screaming, "Get the fuck out!!! OMG…just leave please!!!" Thinking she would be more sincere since SHE was the one who just took a shit on my balls, she wasn't. She was actually a bitch. That said, I went back to her bed, cleaned my hand and face off with her covers, went to the kitchen to wash the sin off, then bounced. I never heard from her again…even though I tried calling her to tell her everything was ok and to not be embarrassed. I saw her one more time at a bar where I tried talking to her and she blew me off like I was the motherfucker who did something wrong. Because of that, I pretty much told everyone that she shat on my balls and to wear protective gear if you plan on fucking her. Fucked up, right? Guess what? I don't give a fuck.

Why did I bring up this story, you ask? Simple. I need everyone to realize that things happen. Whether it be at work, school, church, or in our cases…during sex…we all get surprises once in a while. Now, is what happened to you and that dude pretty fucking gross and down right wrong? Fuck yeah it is. But how did anyone know he was gonna get shit on his dick when you asked for him to put it in your mouth? And how did anyone predict you were going to eat said dookie then puke all over the poor guy THEN run the fuck out, never to speak to him ever again?

Sure you're embarrassed and sure he doesn't know the real reason why you puked all over him. Do you really need to tell him? No. Should you? Well that all depends on your comfort level and how many fucks you actually give. Me personally, I don't give a fuck and when I tried to reach out to tell the girl it's alright and to not be embarrassed, she went in complete defense mode and acted like a fucking cunt. Don't be that cunt. Be that girl that I wish would have said to me, "Thanks! I am embarrassed but am so glad you aren't judging me and we can both laugh about it."

That's the bad bitch you want to be. One that should be ok with humility because it makes us better people who don't mind fucking up or embarrassing themselves once in a great while.

Don't be that cunt, reach out to that guy and see where it goes. Lastly, if you know you're gonna get fucked in the ass and gonna suck dick right after, make sure you clean your asshole and spray some water up there. Better safe than sorry.

Good luck,

Ghetto Genius