Advice Column: Taking It To The Next Level

Dear Legendary Ghetto Genius,

Happy New Year man!

So I have a situation which I'm not sure if it's a win, lose or problem.

I met a girl online a little after Thanksgiving and when we finally met, we hit it off! She's a down ass chick and we have a ton of things in common. We're no drama. We just wanna have fun and overall, we get each other. One of the great things we have is sex on top of amazing chemistry. This is where the problem lies.

One night when we were at my apartment, we started to get into conversation about kinky shit we'd like to do while having sex. I'm a down ass dude when it comes to getting freaky but what my girl told me caught me so off guard that when I was eating a slice of pizza, I nearly fucking choked and died. Dead serious. What made me choke was when she told me she really wanted to have me pee all over her then take a dump on her back. I didn't know how to answer that shit (no pun intended) because like I said, I'm into kinky stuff, but pissing on her then dropping a log on her? I don't know man. I figure if any man or human being in this world could help me straighten this out in my head and know how to proceed, it would be you my man.

Thanks and keep up with the great shit. Laughs for days on end.

The Future R. Kelly?



Dear The Future R. Kelly,

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD…

Looks like there will be no "Keeping on the down low," will there now? You my friend are in a fucked up SHITuation. You're welcome.

You know, when I get emails, I always grab a drink and a bucket of popcorn because some of the shit I read has me either laughing my goddamn ass off, depressed as fuck or confused and violated. It's like watching a movie that I randomly choose on a school night.

I get tons of sex and relationship emails that are typically common. But this? This email you sent? Fuck man, it about made a motherfucker choke on his own goddamn tongue.

People throughout the years have some fetishes that I will never understand. Hell, I don't even fucking care to understand. I say, to each his own…just don't bring that shit to my party or you will get a roundhouse dick slap to the larynx.

The situation that has been presented in front of you, to very few, is like a sick fucks dream come true. To a majority, it's a big ass glass of WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ AND WHERE CAN I ORDER THIS SHIT ON PAY-PER-VIEW TO WATCH BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE REAL.

I've done my fair share of banging broads and out of the many females that I have inserted my penis inside of, I don't think there was really one that went this fucking extreme. How-the-fuck-ever, there was this one Halloween back in 2001 when I met this one chick at a bar...

Long story short, we go back to her studio apartment ready to get it on. I didn't even get this girls name, let alone her ethnicity status because everything happened so fucking fast. She goes to the bathroom, I take off my ninja costume and by the time I turn around, the bitch appears full-on naked. Fast forward to the fucking part…

So we start fucking missionary style for like 4-6 dick pumps when I feel this sudden urge to flip her over and switch it up to doggy style. Hard as Half Dome, I take my wang and put it inside of her and start going to town. She's screaming, I'm roaring. Shit is getting real my friends. About 27 seconds later, my dick pops out because it's so damn wet down there. I'm like, "Damn, this bitch is wet as Splash Mountain. Where's Mickey at?" Without hesitation, I take my jack hammer of a penis and try to find the hole again. Only this time, I completely miss due to my fucked up drunk vision and sense of feel (aka, super drunk boner) and put it in her butt.

She lunges forward a bit and in a really fucking annoying voice she says, "Oh my gaaaaaahhhhhd…is that in my ass?! Is that in my ass? What's that in my aaaaaaassssssss?!" I respond with, "Nah baby, nothing's in your ass." *as I'm still trying to put it deeper in her butt*

Not letting the subject go about the head of my penis in her ass, I decide to put it back in her pie hole where it all started. That's when shit went from great to worse…

As I shifted my cock from the balloon knot to the vagina, I look down and notice something. All that wetness that I thought was just my cock being a bad ass motherfucker laying the pipe down right, was actually this bitch on her period. And when I say wetness and period together, I mean, this shit looked like the hallway scene in the Shining. You know, where waves of blood are crashing in on those two scary ass twin girls. Yeah, no fucking joke, son!

Blood down her legs, on the bed, all over my cock, balls and thighs…it was like we were hot oil wrestling from the waist down minus the hot oil. It was so bad that if the cops were to bust through the doors, I would have been arrested for looking like I was trying to murder the bitch with my dick. Real talk.

So as I'm standing there with a hard cock that looks like it just sacrificed a chicken, this chick is still in the doggy style position and asks, "So are you gonna keep fucking me or nah?" This chick isn't noticing any blood or anything…her focus is on my dong tenderizing her flank stank, obviously. Kinda grossed out by all the blood, but turned on by the fact that this chick is digging the thunder I'm bringing from behind, I say to myself, "fuck it" look away from what is the OJ Simpson murder scene, stick my dick back inside of her, then keep going to town. Don't judge fuckers…I was drunk and was very emotional that night. The story isn't over yet…it gets worse.

There I am, penis going to town beating that pussy like Ike on Tina. She's moaning. I'm groaning. Dirty fucking language is being tossed back and forth. All ain't bad since my face is completely turned in another direction from the crime scene and she's enjoying it. 13 minutes later, the decision I made changed my life forever…

While I'm boning her, something evil was telling me to go back and play with her cinnamon ring (that's asshole for you rookies out there)…only because she didn't want me to AND well, I was drunk and I don't know any better. I begin to slap her booty as I'm still waxing that ass, then with the magic of David Copperfield, I gently and slowly take my index finger and jam it in her butthole about a knuckle and a half deep. That my friends was probably the worse decision one could make when the person you're fucking isn't about that life.

As I'm gently poking her insides from behind, her goat's eye muscles all of the sudden push my finger out. Knowing I should stop, I remove my hand and notice her asshole is pulsating as if it were trying to say something…and say something it did. Within 3 seconds of removing my finger from her butthole, this chick had an orgasm with furious anger and great vengeance and…wait for iiiiiiitttttt…

SHARTED ON MY FUCKING STOMACH.

You read that right people. This broad was probably so startled about my finger in her butt that her asshole couldn't control itself and I get shit on as a "see, what did I tell you" punishment.

At this point, I'm covered with a good nutella serving of dookie on my stomach and there's blood all over the goddamn place. I shout, she finally notices and freaks the fuck out then darts to the bathroom. I become woozy and weak because knowing I kept banging a chick on her period while it was running like a faucet and then get sharted on, was too much. Side note: I'm pretty sure that bitch drank malt liquor before going to the bar because I gotta say, that shit was L-E-T-H-A-L. Still to this day, that had to have been one of the top 5 worst shits I've ever smelt. But I digress…

I'm feeling sick and puke all over this chick's floor. While she's giving herself a pep talk in the bathroom, I grab my shit because I'm a complete fucking train wreck, leave 21 dollars to have the carpets cleaned and get the fuck out of her pad in hopes that I never see her again.

Moral of the story: Sex is fucking great. However, there is nothing sexy about getting pissed on…let alone getting shat on. Especially when you don't have a healthy diet.

Just say no, bro. Just say N-O. Well, unless you say yes, then, just know that poor planning leads to a PISS poor performance. You're welcome again!

Godspeed,

J-Wunder