Advice Column: Herpes - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Dear J-Wunder,

I can't believe I'm writing you this so here it goes. I'm getting married in March to a wonderful man I've been with for 6 years. Two weekends ago was my bachelorette party and we were in Vegas. I ended up getting drunk at this club with all my girlfriends and slept with another man. Not only did I fuck up by sleeping with him and not use protection but…he gave me an STD. Herpes to be exact. 

I have no idea what to do or what to even say. I've avoided sex like the plague from my fiancé and I fear if I tell him, he'll call the wedding off and hate me forever. 

I'm beyond embarrassed for writing you but a few of my girlfriends who follow your blog told me to write in because no one is going to be more honest than you will. So please, put it all out there for me. 

Thanks,
Biggest Regret



Dear Biggest Regret,

Well fuck me sideways and call me a tranny. For the love of Jesus the Gardener. What in the actual fuck were you thinking, woman? Jesus fucking Christ. You serious right now, boo? Wow, you nailed one thing…YOU FUCKED UP.

BIG TIME. 

The advice I'm about to give you, I suggest you fucking listen to it. Because if you decide otherwise, you're probably gonna end up losing in the end, anyway.

FACT: When a majority of people go to Vegas, they will do shit that they wouldn't normally do and will never speak of it EVER again.

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." EVERYONE who is anyone knows that quote and quite honestly, lives and fucking dies by that quote. The issue for you is, what happened in Vegas, came home with your trifling ass. I mean, shit girl. A month and a half before you exchange vows, you decide to fuck a dude, WITHOUT PROTECTION, then get the gift that keeps on giving? Talk about bad luck. Shit, talk about your life going in a downward fucking spiral, yo.

I'm not gonna bag on the fact that you fucked a dude the weekend of your bachelorette party because the reality is, motherfuckers do some shady ass shit when in Vegas. So for all you people shaking your fucking heads and judging me, just know two things: 1) You can eat a huge bag of dicks and 2) If you think that your man or woman is a goodie-goodie and just sits in a hotel room all day, wishing they were by your side, think again. I don't care if it comes down to strips clubs, prostitutes, hook-ups with random strangers, gambling away their life savings, massive consumption of drugs or midget tossing, fools do some shit because it's V-E-G-A-S. But I digress…

I don't know how shit went down and if you just went straight to hittin' skins, but one would think, especially for a woman, to survey the scene when fucking a random stranger. What I mean is, going down south in hopes of sucking his wang and checking to see if he's possibly sporting any fumunda cheese down there. But from what it sounds like, you were pretty fucking drunk and at that point, you don't give a fuck about anything other than getting your o-face on and enjoying your vagina getting smashed by some random dude you will never see again in your life. Good for you, Sweet Tits!

I am completely honest when I say, lady luck was not on your side. AT ALL. You put your healthy pussy on the craps table and YOU LOST. EVERYTHING. Especially future games of over and under. I've heard of some fucked up stories, but this, this takes the fucking cake. I know I'm not making you feel any fucking better by throwing it in your face but I mean, damn. Did you at least ask if he had a condom? I get it…going raw dog feels fucking good, right? But you're in Vegas. The one place where you could probably buy antibiotics for STD's from the cocktail waitress if you asked. Real talk. Damn. Herpes? You definitely done fucked up.

So here's what you need to do before shit gets too crazy and you end up saying some shit that will make the situation much worse. You need to go to your man, when he's not in a bad fucking mood, and tell his ass what you did and the result of your actions. No man or woman, deserves to not be told something as fucked up as that. You got fucking herpes for fuck's sake. That shit stays with you forever and I know for a goddamn fact, your man, no matter how much this motherfucker loves you, is not willing to get that shit. Take all the medicine you want, you still got herpes, son!

Tell him in a tactful way that you were wasted one night and met a group of guys, one thing led to another, you fucked him and one week later, you were pissing fire. You thought it was maybe a bladder infection so you went to the doctor to check it out. Low and behold, you had some visitors hanging out with your vagina and what you thought was nothing more than a yeast infection, was in fact, herpes. Then say, "Say whatever is on your mind, honey."

At that point, is when you are going to probably get the wrath from a motherfucker that is supposed to marry your ratchet ass in less than two months. He's probably gonna say some pretty awful shit and call you things like, "Fucking whore. Cunt. Whore. Slut. Whore." And as much as you want to get on the defensive because you're hurt by those words just know, he's not the one who fucked someone and got herpes. So give the motherfucker a free pass to say and do whatever the fuck he wants.

What's probably gonna happen next is that he's gonna say some shit like, "I can't believe you betrayed my trust." Or, "I thought you loved me." Or, "You're a fucking whore. How could you do this to me?" Stay silent and let him get whatever the fuck he needs to get out. Telling someone you're about to marry in less than two months that you basically fucked another individual that gave you herpes is gonna shock the shit out of some people. Even the goddamn Pope. So just chill and let this dude air out all his fucking aggression because he deserves that. And no, that's not me telling you to let him jump to conclusions. Your ass got fucking herpes. Ain't no one jumping to shit. Whore. Kidding. Not really.

After it's all said and done with him probably crying, throwing shit and calling you everything in the book, you just need to sit there, with hopefully some regretful ass tears running down your face and prepare for the worst. What I mean by that is him calling off the wedding. Don't be shocked and don't be surprised and don't beg to make this all better. Fucking a dude behind your man's back is one thing. Fucking a dude and getting herpes, is on a whole new fucking level of "go to hell".

This is simply a lose-lose situation for you. I'm not here to sugar coat shit because I need to be honest and realistic. The sad part is, is that if you didn't get herpes, you probably wouldn't tell him. But if you did, he'd probably still marry you…under some crazy fucking conditions AND him not trusting you until you prove otherwise. But you brought some serious shit in the equation and it's worse than trying to find the square root of Pi.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

If he breaks off the wedding, then that's what is deserved. Because for starters, ain't no motherfucker trying to get what you got and secondly, in his mind, you're a dirty ass bitch. Not saying that you are, but once you contracted that, all bets are off.

A shitty situation with a more than likely, negative outcome…unlike your herpes. Wait, what?!

Save face, tell your man and be honest. You never know, I could be wrong and he could love you so much that he'll end up marrying you and will be wearing a condom for the rest of his life. I don't know how that shit works with fucking someone with herpes because I've never done it. So hey, here's to good things in the end.

However, if the wedding is called off and you two separate, just know that you can still find love. They'll either just be someone who also has the herp OR will be a trust worthy motherfucker who is all about taking risk.

Like they say in Vegas, the house ALWAYS WINS.

Good luck,

J-Wunder