Advice Column: Fri(End) Game

Hey J-Wunder,

I've been pretty solid friends with this gal--we'll call her "Sarah"-- for about seven years.  We get along real well, and talk at least once a week about fucking everything-my girlfriends, her boyfriend, life, sex, jobs, the whole shebang.

Anyways, I've been into her for a while, but being the classy guy that I am, I don't try to fuck up her relationship with he guy she's been with for four years, and simply date other women instead.  No sense holding a torch for someone else's girl, you know?  Anyways, for the last five months or so, we've been flirting a little more and a little more, always keeping it just outside the boundaries of what might piss of whoever we're dating at the time.  She's got game, but so do I--matching wits with her is fucking intense.

A week ago, we both got drunk, and it all came out--we're into each other, no doubts about it.  Thing is, she's a classy gal herself.  She's been with the same guy for four years, and is pretty tired of him by now, but she's never stepped out on him.  She's stayed faithful no matter what comes her way, and I have nothing but respect for that.

Here's the deal:  She's sick of her guy, and we both know we're seriouly into each other, and I want to make this happen.  This girl is a winner in every way you can imagine.  That being said, I am not going to dick around for months waiting for her to make up her mind.  I've got two other gals I'm into and one I'm fucking, so I'm not just spinning my wheels here.  What's your take on this, and what do you think I should do?

Sincerely,
V


Dear V,

Is it me, or is this a making of a goddamn RomCom for 2015?

I've been in your situation a time or two and to be quite honest, I was spinning my wheels so fucking much, there are still tire tracks from me waiting and jerking off to what I thought "could have been".

The advice I'm going to give you, take it for what it's worth. Just make sure by the end of it all, you're honest with yourself, playboy.

Plain and simple:

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

I'm not gonna knock either of you for flirting because in all reality, shit could be way fucking worse. I mean, you could be fucking this broad for days on end, while her man is at home, thinking she's getting her nails did twice a week. So kudos for keeping it clean and not making this an awkward situation…YET.

Now, as much as I'm one of those dudes who is rooting for you to get with this chick, you just need to walk the fuck away and store y'alls relationship in the friend zone.

This broad has been with her man for 4 years. She's faithful. She's a good girl. And she…she ain't going anywhere any time soon, bromigo.

I can't tell you how many times people have experienced this. You know…that one person who you're vibing with and who seems like the perfect person to have as your sidekick. The one who you see yourself being so happy with forever and fucking always. The person that actually really gets you. The person you can talk to about anything and everything. The one who makes you laugh. The one who doesn't call you a fucking pussy when they see you cry. The one who you actually and honestly masturbate to before you go to bed. Yeah…that person. The one who outshines any motherfucker that you've ever come across. There's just one problem.

THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

One that has been going on for awhile. One that they mention they aren't happy in, but still stay in. One that you respect and they respect but, often and always, like to give you hints that they're into you but can't be with you for reasons unknown but they are known…well, from what you're told, right? One where they aren't leaving any time soon even if they say they might be.

Brohemus, I'm not gonna sit here and dick you around like this gal has as I sip on some tea, typing this shit out. There is no doubt this chick probably digs you. But if she's into you as much as she said she is, then don't you think she would have been with you already?

Fuck all that shit with y'all getting drunk and confessing your love. Trust me, when girls want something, they go out and fucking get it. Even if that means breaking up with their current dude for another dude who they can't deny they are feeling…HARD. Like a Lexington Steele boner. Wait, what?!

Don't even bother coming with something along the lines of "she hasn't broke up with her man because they have been together for awhile…blah, blah, blah" bullshit. Women these days who want love and want to truly be happy, go out and get that shit. A majority of bitches got brass balls and they aren't afraid to show them fuckers when need be. Especially when it comes to motherfucking relationships.

That's awesome y'all vibe like Jay-Z and Beyonce when baby sister, Solange, ain't around. But y'all ain't Jay-Z and Beyonce. And y'all ain't together. She's with her dude and more than likely, won't be leaving that relationship today, tomorrow, or even this year. You're what I like to call, the "safety zone" friend. It's kinda like the friend zone but there's more of an openness of conversation and sexual bullshit that gets you both riled up. It's like a brother and sister relationship, with dry humping and some bike seat sniffing.

Gals that have these types of dudes in their life, don't necessarily use them, but have them around because they need a motherfucker to make them feel good and safe when they ain't getting it anywhere else. This is why sometimes, nice guys finish last. Because they get caught up in this shit storm of feelings and can't dig themselves out. They drink the Kool-Aid of riffraff bullshit in hopes that one day, they get the girl of their dreams and she peaces the fuck out of her current relationship. Keep dreaming, motherfucker. You have a better chance of a ferret eating out your asshole while you're in a dead ass sleep.

In life, when it comes down to making choices, you either shit or get off the pot. She may be into you, but if you're worth it, she would have been with you already. I don't need to hear some mumbo-jumbo on how "it's complicated". You know what's complicated? Algebra, motherfucker, so that argument is invalid.

If you're vibing with other broads on top of fucking them, then spread those wings like a goddamn bald eagle and attack that pussy like you're hunting prey. No point in investing your time, patience and emotions with something that MIGHT happen. You'd be lucky if she even has the balls to consider leaving her dude. You're gonna strung along and don't trip, it's not a bad thing. What's bad is that if you're gonna let her do this to you and make you wait on something that has a 2% chance of evening happening, then good luck with life, player.

If this broad is down for you…I mean, really fucking down for you…and I'm not saying that in a sense of her giving you a blow job…then she show you what's up and be with you. But again, talk is fucking cheap and I don't know what kinda talk tastes like pussy to a man. Just saying.

Keep the friendship but get over what you think "could be". Your ass is too old to believe in fairytales.

Peace,

Ghetto Genius