Hey Mr. Wunder,
Happy 2015!
Here's my question - I am just getting back on the dating scene after a 5 year relationship. I don't know how to play the field anymore and don't know where I begin? Are social apps and sites like tinder and match.com my only option? Is this true of the bar scene as well? Would guys be turned off if I approach them? How do I know if he is even interested? My guy friends tell me I'm attractive and sexy and that I shouldn't have any problems dating but I would like an unbiased opinion…the Ghetto Genius opinion. Keep in mind, I am a hard working woman and I take care of my own damn shit, just looking for someone cool to hang out with and right the Pound Town Express with on occasion.
Dear Girl Who I Would More Than Likely Have Sexual Intercourse With,
I'm coming right out the gate with this shit…so check it, Tits Magee:
The problem isn't where to find a guy. The problem is how do you go about getting the guy you fucking want.
FACT: Women can get dick anytime, any place, anywhere. *cue bitches nodding their heads in full agreement*
FACT: Pussy controls the universe and entire fucking galaxy.
FACT: Women control their own sexstiny (that's destiny plus sex for you confused fuckers out there).
Whether you're cute, hot or probably ugly, you will have no problem finding cock. Because let's be honest…there's some motherfucker out there for everyone. The only problem you'll have, is trying to get into a mindset of being single once again. Being taken for 5 years is a big fucking deal. And as much as I want to say getting back on the playing field is like riding a bike, it's really not. See, while you were stuck in a relationship, the game changed when douchebags were created. "But J, douchebags have always been around." Although this is true, Douchebagitis got worse and spread faster than herpes and basic bitches.
Remember when I noted that you control your own sexstiny? That's a true statement, Sweet Tits. You really do. The advantage of being a female is that you can pick and choose any fucking man you want, to a certain extent. Don't get it twisted though...just because pussy rules the universe doesn't mean a guy will fall for that shit at a drop of a hat, so easy on feeling so fucking special. I hate bitches that think they completely run shit and try to play games. Those kind of broads are the ones I tell straight to their face, they could eat a bag of dicks, build a nice long bridge and get over their fucking selves.
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
There are rules to controlling your own sexstiny so what I'm about to tell you, listen and listen good. I may not be a woman but I know how women think and what men want. And for those that are probably gonna comment and say some smart ass shit like they know everything, just know this...I DON'T CARE OR GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK. NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION. I still love you though, so don't trip. Now that's all squared away, let's begin.
Rule #1: Eye Contact
I've said this in almost every column that relates to dating. You want a guy's attention, look that sexy motherfucker in the eyes. But not so much that you look like you're about to kill him in his sleep after taking his condom full of semen and injecting that shit in your vagina so you can have his baby. Wait, what? Doing that will get you punched in the throat and your purse stolen. Trust me. Eye contact has to be the #1 thing when showing interest in a person. It lets that person know, "Hey, what's up there, buckaroo?! You're 100% man. I would love to suck your meat pole...I mean, go on a date with you." Looking a guy in his eyes will let him know that you're open to conversation, a drink, the macarena and hell, maybe even a little horizontal mambo after a nice foot massage. When you look at him, make sure you're confident, not cocky. Don't roll your eyes rather, a quick look away and back at him. Pretend that motherfucker is the only dude in the room. Men love that shit. Once you get the eye contact going and you've gotten his attention, then you're on your way to...
Rule #2: Cool Conversation
Let's be real, if you can't carry on a conversation with another individual (and vice-versa), you should plan on staying single forever. Conversation is key when it comes to meeting people. Now, don't think just because you like to talk and are friendly you got this shit locked up in the fucking bag. Fuck all that. Always remember that when you talk about anything, you gotta feel out the situation. Saying too much, too soon could scare away a guy and you don't want that shit to happen. Keep conversation simple. Don't sound needy. Don't sound desperate. Don't sound crazy. React to what they say and play off of them. Be witty, not bitchy. If they like bitchy, then stay with bitchy, just don't turn that shit into cunty. Men hate cunty. Oh and whatever you fucking do, NEVER PULL OUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE. Real talk. Divide and conquer my little cinnamon ring. Avoid awkward silences unless you are Jedi-Mind fucking each other. If that happens, I guarantee you are fucking by end of day.
Keep depressing shit to a minimum and words like "marriage", "babies", "bipolar" and "restraining order" out of the conversation. You want someone to get to know you, not write in to the Ghetto Genius about that crazy bitch who talked about beating her ex with a shovel then setting him on fire because he thought Golden Girls was a cereal and not a tv show.
Rule #3: Keep It Real
Everyone probably thinks these rules I've stated are obvious and stupid. Although that might be true, 70% of people fuck up these simple rules because in all honesty, they try to do too much and be somebody else they're not. Those same people who think they got their shit on lock are probably single and live at mom and dad's house and still watch movies on VHS. Hence, this rule. The golden fucking rule. The rule that if you don't follow, you will end up single living with 50 fucking cats for a very long time.
If there is one thing men want outside of a good looking broad who can fuck like a champ, is that she's real and honest (keep in mind if you're just crazy, I can't help your ass). Douchebags like bitches who play games and well, like douchebags. Men like women who are straight up, no bullshit. Which one do you want to be? If it's a bitch, then you will have a field day with the dick. All kinds of dick. Douchebag dick galore!!!! However, you might find yourself fucked over several times with a severe case of genital warts, crying over a tub of Haagen Dazs watching The Notebook, swearing off men.
On the flip side, if you want to be a woman, then guess what? You will get all the cock in the world. Quality cock. I just got jackhammered for 2 hours, cock. OMFG, I love this man's cock, cock. Not only is this guy a good guy, but we can be friends with benefits without the drama, cock. Trust me, there are guys out there who are just like you, looking for the same fucking thing.
It doesn't matter if you're at a bar, coffee shop, grocery store, library, online, etc., you hold the sexstiny to whatever the fuck you want, when you want it. All you need are three simple rules to help you get back on that goddamn bike so you can do whatever the fuck you want and be happy about it. Whether it be a new relationship or just some good guy to fuck while standing up, follow these rules I'm preaching. I don't need to give you details on douchebags, if you don't know how to spot one, wait til you get fucked over and you'll find your answer. It's that easy.
Don't be like some of these bitches who try to find answers immediately then end up going crazy and stabbing fools. Three simple things are right here to get you started. The rest is for you to figure out. And if you don't like these three rules then you can just go the easier route and just go find some guy and fuck 'em. No man says no to pussy. Even if it's just a pity fuck. I guess what I'm saying is that if you would like to just have sex without putting in simple work, I'm available. I'm pretty good at this "I'll never speak to you again" thing.
Stay away from relationships and just go fuck good guys. Yes, they do exists but you should probably fuck them no more than 2-3 times. After that, they'll probably want to marry you and have your babies.
Your Sexstiny Awaits,
J-Wunder
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