Advice Column: It's That Porno Kind Of Threesome

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm writing you today because I'm in a super fucked up situation. 

About a year ago, my mom got remarried to an awesome guy who has a son and daughter of his own and things could not have been any better. 

I'll save you the details because I don't want to bore you. Two weeks ago, my mom was out of town on business so me, my step brother and step dad decided to have a bbq, invite some friends over and have some fun. Drinks were going down like water and everyone was having a great time. 

Well as the night was winding down and all our guest left, something happened. I can't believe I'm actually telling you this but I ended up having a threesome with my step brother and step dad. If it's not bad enough, I actually enjoyed it and the next day, I ended up sleeping with my step dad again. 

I don't know what to do. My mom who is like my best friend would lose her shit if she ever found out. It was an honest mistake and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. I figure I'd write you because you're probably the only honest person who can give it to me straight. 

Eagerly waiting your response. 

Thanks,
Homewrecker



Dear Homewrecker,

What in heaven's fuck did I just read? I read this shit 23 times this morning. The first time I spit out my coffee. The fifth time I almost started to masturbate in the men's bathroom. The 10th time I wanted to email you back and ask for your phone number. The 23rd time I sat there thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with people? Thank you for writing me because I am not as fucked up as I think I am now."

First things first...I'm not one to judge anyone but damn, Gina. I'm gonna judge the fuck outta you today (in Kevin Hart's voice: YOU GON LEARN TODAY!!!). I mean, really? I get that the two dudes you banged are not really your brother and dad but for fuck's sake...you fucked both those dudes and then had the nerve to tell me "it was an honest mistake."

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT, SON!!!!

An honest mistake is showing up to a doctor's appointment 30 minutes late because you wrote the information down wrong. An honest mistake is eating your roommates last Hot Pocket because you thought there was another box in back of the freezer. An honest mistake is putting cheap ass gas in your Benzo instead of 91 Octane because you forgot what the fuck you're supposed to put in your ride.

Fucking your step brother and step dad, gangbang style, IS NOT a fucking honest mistake. It's not even a goddamn regret. That shit is triflin', whoreish and by golly Beave, more fucked up than banging a one legged midget stripper with three titties. Wait, what?!

Honest mistake? For the love of all things holy, that has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever heard. The worst part is that you decided to fuck your step dad...AGAIN...the next fucking day. And you were sober! Congrats my dear...you just turned all my readers full retard. Ain't that some shit?!

Don't you know any motherfuckers outside of your family that you could have gotten the "D" from? This is like one of those porn's I've watched a million times that has now made me a believer this shit actually does happen in real fucking life.

I don't even know how to answer this fucked up question because I'm still shocked that A) You wrote me, B) You fucked your step brother and step dad, C) You fucked them both at the same time, D) You probably let them do some really dirty and awful shit to you, E) You fucked your step dad the very next day with absolutely no fucks to give, F) You actually think myself and the hundreds of thousands of people reading this are really going to believe it was an honest mistake.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

You take the cake for "MOST FUCKED UP PERSON OF THE WEEK" award because as bad as some people are, you took that shit to a whole new level of "what the fuck." Look, I don't know what the fuck you believe in or what your values are...I'm assuming they probably amount to a few pennies and some cigarette butts and maybe an occasional rim job...but whatever you do, you best not tell your mom. Because that bitch might kill you and the Dynamic Dick Squad you like to call your step brother and step dad. Real talk.

You know, I have gotten so blacked out drunk that I've done some really stupid shit that will send me straight to hell. But after reading your email, I don't think there is anything I could do that will top this. Actually...I take that back...there's some really fucked up shit I have been thinking about so if I do it, I probably...naaaaaah. You win that battle...unless I decide to fuck one of my family members and end up on Maury or Montell Williams. You really had your step dad and bro run a train on you, huh? I know God doesn't judge people but he's judging the fuck out of you right now. Start praying sweet tits!

What I want to know is, what the fuck were you drinking? Better yet, did you take pics? I bet they went Rambo on that ass and unloaded full nut sacks in your cum dumpster, huh? Why am I still talking about this? What are you going to do if your mom finds out? Are you still going to bang your step dad and bro? Are there any other step family members you have been thinking about having sexual pleasures with? You are one more family affair away from your own show on Lifetime that I almost want to cheer you on to make that happen.

All jokes aside though, you are fucked up, dear. I know these peeps ain't your blood. But damn...you flat out told me and the world you fucked your step family members and it was an honest mistake.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm done with the internets today. For the first time, I have no advice to give other than, fuck people who you don't call your step dad or step brother.

I'm out,

GG