Advice Column: What Happens In Vegas...

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a big fan and can't thank you enough for the daily laughs. The world loves you and we need more mo' fo's like you in this galaxy. Ok, enough of the praises...I need some damn help bad. 

So I've been dating my girl for a year. Great gal. Awesome relationship. We get along really well. Sex is great. There's only one big problem - I'm the best man in my best friends wedding and in the next two weeks, is his bachelor party in Vegas. My girl doesn't want me to go and it's making her trip out big time. I've done NOTHING to show her I can't be trusted but I think she just has this whole idea in her head that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." 

I need your help because as much as I love her, this is my boy and it's his bachelor party for crying out loud. We're going to have fun. We're going to go to strip clubs. That's what it's all about right? It pisses me off that she's trippin' and I really don't know what to tell her any more. She basically has given me the ultimatum that if I go, our relationship is over which I think is stupid as hell. 

Help because as much as I care about her, I need to support my boy for his last night of fun. 

Thanks,
Just a bro supporting his boy



Dear Just A Bro Supporting His Boy,

Oh man...here we go with another bullshit email about someone in a relationship tripping over nothing.

What's the goddamn deal with some people? Can't a guy or gal just go and have fun in Vegas without the other person having to worry?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I find it highly entertaining that some relationships are all good until something so small, like a bachelor party (ok, maybe not so small), sets the other person off. Mind you, you've done NOTHING wrong in your 1 year relationship to even make your girl trip. Ain't that a bitch?!

I'm going to be honest like I always am and will tell you what I think about your girl and her opinion on you not going:

FUCK HER.

TWAT.

Who the fuck is this broad to tell you, the best man in your good bro's wedding, that you can't go to his bachelor party? Because it's in Vegas? You know how you said, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"...NO FUCKING SHIT. This applies to anyone who goes. Kids, parents, grandparents, nuns, students who say they are going there for college because "they got a good business program". You could be the most boring person in the fucking world and should still know, what happens there, stays there. Period. And you don't even need to do shit.

Why the fuck does your girl think that's the goddamn slogan for that goddamn city? For fuck fucking sake, bromigo...your broad needs some Calgon to take her ass away from whatever the fuck she's already thinking. I mean, shit. See, this is what happens when people date insecure motherfuckers. Sure y'all are all good, but once you get to have a good time outside of the relationship, all of the sudden, bitches be all worried about nothing.

So what if you guys go to the strip club? So what if y'all get so drunk you end up passing out on some bench on the strip, covered in your own puke and piss at 5 in the morning? That's what happens at bachelor parties. That's what happens in Vegas. You do shit that will make a goat throw up and a whole congregation pray for your sins. That's the fucking point. Sure you may want to fuck a few broads who are down to ride the Pound Town Express...hell, you may even not want to work that hard and just pay a hooker to bang you...and sometimes, that's ok. But has it even happened? Are you looking to even do that? You probably aren't, but guess who thinks you are?  You guessed it...your girl who is about to guilt trip the shit out of you until that fateful day comes and your ass is on a plane to the land where STD's are born.

All I'm saying is if she trust you and you've given her no reason to not trust you, then go to Vegas and tell her you're going. Say that shit with the manliest voice you got, too. Like Kevin Hart said, "Say it wit yo chest!!!" If she doesn't like it, she can kick fucking rocks because not only is she stupid for wigging out, but she's stupid as fuck for being an insecure hatchet wound (that's "vagina" for y'all who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about).

You know, back in the day, when I would go to Vegas with my boys, which felt like every other month, my homeboys women would usually trip out. Not because they were going to Vegas, but because I was going with them. I was tagged as "J-Wunder...the baaaaaaaadddddd influence." No bullshit. Every girlfriend literally blamed me any time their men hung out with me and ended up too drunk or got in trouble. Like I put a spell on these motherfuckers or something. No joke.

This is probably what your girl is thinking - "All these dudes going to Vegas for a weekend of sin and as much as I love my man, I can't trust his friends." Well, let me tell your girl and the whole fucking world who love to blame other people for shit, something...if you're a grown ass adult that is capable of making your own goddamn adult decisions, then don't blame someone else for that person's mistakes. No one is going to make you take a shot or have that drink. No one is going to put a strippers pussy in your face and force you to smack it up, flip it or rub it down....ooohhhh NO. We might try and influence you to do some shit like get you so wasted that you end up putting that roofie you saved from Tijuana in your own drink, but hey, like I said, you're a fucking adult capable of making adult decisions.

On the other hand, maybe your girl had a past relationship where her ex-man fucked up when HE went to Vegas. If that's the case and you let her win this battle and you decide not to go, I suggest you hand over your balls to her right this fucking minute and know that you will never get them back. Congrats for being a little punk ass bitch. Again, that's assuming, this happened and you want to donate your balls to the "I Made My Man, My Bitch" Foundation.

These types of broads need to chill the fuck out and calm the fuck down. Like WAY the fuck down. It would be one thing if your ass pulled Shady McShadster during your relationship but from the sounds of it, you're like this beautiful ass angel and shit. Vegas is not a place for everyone. But it is a place for bachelor parties and a ton of fuckery. Now, if your girl can't live with the fact that you are going there to have fun with your boys and let loose, then fuck her.

This is not about you having fun. This is about her just being a complete insecure little twat. Real talk.

What I will say is that if you do fuck up, tell her. You'll probably get an ear full and will never be trusted again but know this...it takes more of a man to admit he's done wrong than a man to lie and get caught slippin'.

If you go to Vegas, tell your girl she can exit stage left if she doesn't like it. But if y'all do decide to stay together while you head out there, just remember..."What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

I'm not telling you what or what not to do. I'm just telling you what the motto is to the place you're going.

Good luck,

J-Wun