T*W*A*T* - A Tactical Guide to Feminine Weaponry

We all know those chicks who withhold the cookie from their man for one reason or another. They're all, "If you do this for me, I might give you the kitty." Child, please...are you for real?? It's time to re-think your tactical position.

You clearly don't realize that your lady cave is not just a weapon - it is an entire arsenal. Women could win wars (and eventually achieve world domination) with the vajine if they would only learn how to use it correctly. The vagina is not a one-trick pony. At least, it doesn't have to be. You want to approach your sex life as though you are a soldier preparing for battle. You must understand each of the weapons at your disposal, how best to utilize each of them for maximum effect, and in what situation each weapon is appropriate. Below are strategic, operational and tactical approaches to maximizing your pussy's firepower. Each manner of attack has been tested and proven 100% effective (don't doubt me, I know things).

Before we get started, pour yourself a cocktail. A little liquor to help loosen you up is never a bad thing but, remember, you are in control of a very powerful weapon. If you misuse the booze, it would be like if Bush was still a drunk when he was President and we went to war over 9/11 and then he gets all wastey-face in the Oval Office one night and says, “I’ma push this red button and see what happens.” You want your man to be humming, “You Dropped a Bomb on Me”, but you will ruin the O-face for all involved if you lead with the nukes.

(For the record, I don’t get drunk, I get awesomer. That’s right: AWESOMER. And awesomer, as we know, wins the motherloving war.)

Let's commence to you bitches winning this war.

The Sniper:

You know how your man likes to go out drinking with his boys on occasion? And you know how you get all insecure-bitch jealous about it? Change your tactics. Let him go out with his boys. Find out where he is right before the bar closes. Show up dressed in your slutty best - short skirt (do I have to say no panties, or is that just understood?), tall shoes, hair and make-up did. Since you are fresh meat at the end of the night, you will get LOTS of attention when you walk in. Make the most of it by flirting with every guy who even makes eye contact, but don't let it go too far - you don't want dude to start bitch-slapping people. Make sure you have your guy's attention, then you walk right over to him, grab him by the hair (if he has any) or some other sexy place, and lay a big, fat kiss on him. Then walk away. Leave. Go home. I promise you he will be right behind you. (You can also work in a tactic called “leapfrogging”, which will require the help of your homegirls. Send them ahead to do some recon. Warm up the crowd, if you will. But this only works if you have hot friends. Don’t send the funny, fat, ugly bitch.


The Ambush:

The ambush is one of the favorite types of attacks. Studies have found that if you want to have a really great weekend with no shortage of getting your freak on, do this on Friday night after work. Again, because boys are all about the visual aids, make sure you do the porn star hair and make-up thing and really skank it up in your dirtiest lingerie and most hooker-y heels. Make his favorite snack, put a great dinner together (for “after”), hand him a beer when he steps in the door and head for the boom-boom room, shedding clothing as you go. If he makes it to the bedroom (or wherever), take him fast and dirty. Don't even let him shower unless he's one of those guys who cleans port-a-potties or exterminates cockroaches and vermin and gross shit like that.


The Amphibious Attack:

If your guy is one who does one of the above disgusting jobs, or even if he isn’t, another plan of action is to hit him in the shower. Wait until he starts soaping down, then start helping. Chances are good that he will not say, “Stop it, I’m trying to take a shower.” Be naked, because there is a better chance he will yank you in there with him. And that’s exactly what you want, right? This also works for bathtubs and hot tubs, though I don’t recommend doing it at one of those public hot tub places because, fuck...you want some shit growing on your vagina, motherfucker? That would be like douching with toilet water.


The Diversionary Tactic:

Sometimes men get all bent out of shape about how much money their woman spends – on clothes, shoes, hair, nails, whatever. I hate a woman that lies (or that feels like she has to lie) to their man about that kind of stuff, especially if she has a job and makes her own cheddar. Rather than lie to your man about what you bought, create a diversion. Stop by your local VS (that's Victoria's Secret for you dumb motherfuckers) and grab yourself a little somethin’ sexy. While he’s railing on you about your expenditures, dip into another room and throw on the Slut Gear. Once he sees you in the gear and, perhaps, on your knees “begging for forgiveness”, he will forget all about why he was mad. This also works for girls’ nights, book clubs or any other stupid shit you do that annoys him.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to hammer into your over-processed heads: the Love Muffin is not a retaliatory weapon. It is a valuable and highly technical arsenal with which you can do glorious and magical things. To a penis. And we all know, if you control the penis, you control the man. All your man wants is more sex. That’s all. If you feed him on occasion and keep the girly meow meow bullshit to a minimum, everybody’s happy. What guy doesn’t want to fantasize about his woman all day at work and then come home to find her in one or more of the above “tactical positions”? He will be less inclined to dip out because he never knows what to expect at home, but the possibilities sure will make him want to be there to find out.

You know what? You’re welcome.