The Angry Bitch Who Needed Advice

As a lot of you know, I live in the Bay Area. Every day, for the last 8 years, I've taken public transportation from the East Bay into the city (San Francisco for you folks not familiar with the area). BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) is the train system that I've depended on for years. Although it's not the greatest, it's better than driving or taking a fucking bus. True story.

Now, for those who have ridden BART know that there are some interesting motherfuckers on there. Daily. From bums to crackheads to just some angry motherfuckers looking to get home to their mistress, BART is NEVER a dull moment. Like for this morning for example...

I get on the train at my station, put in my headphones and enjoy the 35-40 minute commute into San Francisco. The person directly in front of me who is sitting down is a woman. Probably about 25-30 years old. Good looking gal. She gets on her phone and by the way she was pushing the numbers on her cell, this bitch seemed angry as fuck.

Chick: "Hello?! So what the fuck you gots to say for yourself? I can't believe you would do some shit like that and expect me to believe you. Are you fucking serious right now, you asshole?"

It's at this point that there is no way I'm going to be enjoying my beats I'm trying to listen to because this fucking bitch is talking like she's at a goddamn concert where she has to scream at the top of her fucking lungs so the people next to her can hear her.

Chick: "You gots to be out of your goddamn mind?! Are you serious right now? You think it's ok and that excuse is worth forgiving? How bout I ask some guy on this goddamn train right fucking now and see what he thinks."

This is where shit got intense...

Chick: "Excuse me sir...can I ask you a question?"

She starts to tug on my "Let's get red, white and wasted" shirt while I look at her with a "Bitch, did you just tug on my shirt like you're a fucking baby looking for a tit to suck on" look.

Me: "As long as it's not whether or not I will help kill the person on the other side of that phone, ask me whatever you'd like."

Chick: "Ok, so my boyfriend who I'm talking to is an asshole. This fool done got his dick sucked by some ratchet ass bitch from back in the day and he's trying to tell me that it's not cheating because he didn't kiss her. Now you look like a nice guy. Is that cheating?"

Me: "Are you fucking serious right now?"

Chick: "Mmmmmmm hmmmmm..."

Me: "Is this chick a prostitute?"

Chick: "What the fuck does it matter if she was a prostitute or not?"

Me: "You seen Pretty Woman?"

Chick: "What the fuck is a Pretty Woman?"

Me: "Forget I asked. Of course it's cheating. Why would he tell you it's not cheating. Because he didn't kiss her?"

Chick: "Because he a stupid motherfucker and thinks I'm fucking retarded. You hear that asshole?!" As she screams in the phone as this dude is literally on hold while her and I are talking.

Lady in front of us sitting down: "Ummmm...excuse me miss, can you please not talk so loud. It's early and I think you're making everyone around here feel uncomfortable."

Chick: "Bitch, the only thing uncomfortable is you talking to me and getting in my goddamn business. I'm trying to ask this guy for some advice. Now how bout you turn the fuck around and keep scrolling through those pics of your ugly ass children on your computer."

Yeah...that escalated pretty fucking quickly.

Me: "Ok, so can I ask you something?"

Chick: "Sure."

Me: "If your boyfriend let some ratchet ass bitch suck his dick, why are you still with him? Even after he gave you a piss poor excuse as to why it ain't cheating?"

Chick: "Because he one of my baby's daddies."

Me: "So you have more than one kid with multiple guys?"

Chick: "No, I have one kid...just not sure who the father is."

Me: "Where the fuck am I right now?"

Chick: "The fuck you say?"

Me: "So you're telling me that you don't know who the father is to your child? Are you just dating him?"

Chick: "This is where it gets kinda complicatioso (no fucking clue why she thought she was trying to speak Spanish to me). I'm with all the men who I think might be the daddy. They all kinds of scared so I make sure they help out."

Me: "This is some sick fucking joke right?"

Chick: "No sir. Fuck these fools trying to put they dick in me then bounce once I say I'm pregnant."

Me: "Do you realize you sound like a stupid bitch right now? I mean, no offense but you do know they have something called a paternity test, right? If you wanted, you can go on Maury and get the answers you need for free if you're broke."

Chick: "You trying to be a hater, fool?"

Me: "I'm trying to tell you that you're an idiot if you think that what you're doing is justified. Now that I think about it, so what if one of your man got his dick sucked. Good for that fucking guy. You're just as ratchet as that broad who sucked your man's pole."

Chick: "Are you serious? It's on me now?"

Me: "You wanted my opinion so I'm giving it to you."

Chick: "So what...you some kind of therapist now? Giving advice to the world or some shit?"

It was at this point I wish a camera was around so I can look at it, and give it one of those cool winks and shit.

Me: "I guess you can say that. I mean, your situation is fucked up. You mad about one of your possible baby daddies getting his dick sucked and you don't even know who the fuck the father is. That's the dumbest fucking shit I have ever heard. And you wanna go off on this broad on being ratchet? Did it ever occur to you that from the time you got pregnant, you probably fucked these dudes all within one month's time if not sooner? I'm just being real. You made your own fucking bed, so you need to lay in that shit."

Chick: "Oh hell nooooooo. I know you did not just call me a hoe."

Me: "I didn't call you anything. I'm just saying that if 7-11 is open 24 hours, your vagina has those same qualities. That's all."

It was at this point that I was starting to piss this bitch off. Like bad. But hey, I'm not the shady cunt who put herself in this position, am I now?

Chick: "Oh ok. So what if I trying to have my cake and eat it too? What the fuck is it to you?"

Me: "It's nothing to me. I'm just saying while you sit there and try to keep tabs on which guys gave you his baby gravy, you mad at one of your 'boyfriends' for getting his dick sucked. Your man who is on that phone, is looking more and more like an angel compared to you, sweetheart."

Lady in front of us sitting down: "Amen, mister. Women like you are a disgrace to the female species."

Chick: "What the fuck did you say?"

Me: "You need to calm down, miss. Don't get mad because Mary Poppins over there is telling the truth. The fuck is wrong with you? Like for real? If I were you, I'd go find out who your baby daddy is and stop worrying who's sucking who's dick. That's the least of your fucking worries. It's motherfuckers like you who not only make women look bad, but motherfuckers like me, shit to write about."

Chick: "Y'all are trippin'. Don't know shit about shit."

Me: "I may not know shit, but at least I know who my dad is."

Never heard so many fucking claps and "Amen's" in my goddamn life after I broke this bitch down.

It's never a dull moment on BART. EVER.