Advice Column: How Not To "Keep It In The Family"

Dear Ghetto Genius,

Ok, so this is really embarrassing but I have to tell someone and thought it would be you since you really don't have any fucks to give and always give it straight to whomever writes you.

I've been in a relationship with this awesome guy for 6 months now and things could not be any better. Until last week...

I caught my boyfriend masturbating in his mom's room while smelling her underwear. With his dick in hand and panties around his face like he was Bane in one of the Batman movies, I couldn't help but start yelling at him and running out of his house.

We haven't spoken yet and I've been ignoring his calls and text.

What the hell should I think or do?

If anyone would know, it's you. Help!

Thanks for all the laughs and honesty,
Am I dating a weirdo?



Dear Am I Dating A Weirdo,

Back up the motherfucking truck. Did I just read what I thought I read?

This bitch said, "I caught my boyfriend masturbating in his mom's room while smelling her underwear. With his dick in hand and panties around his face like he was Bane in one of the Batman movies, I couldn't help but start yelling at him and running out of his house."

I.AM.DEAD. 

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT.

For reals? Like, for reals, for reals?!

Sweetheart, this is by far the most fucked up and hilarious email I have ever gotten in the almost 4 years I've written advice columns and blogged about stuff. Holy shit, you can't be fucking serious? Is Punk'd back because I feel like Ashton Kutcher is going to hop out from under my goddamn desk and punk me. Where you at, Ashton?!

Ok, jokes aside, you obviously need help. Being the man that I am, I will provide you that help...only because this shit is fucked up and well...fucked up.

Your boyfriend got some problems, yo. Straight up. I don't think in my 35 years of living I have ever heard, experienced or read about something like this. EVER. Well, until now.

See, it's one thing if you caught this motherfucker smelling YOUR panties while beating his meat in HIS bedroom but instead, you found this cat jerking off in his mom's room while he was hot boxing himself in her drawers. I mean, ain't that some goddamn shit? This fool went above and beyond the rules of jerking off alone.

It's not like you caught him yanking his chain on his parents bed. Hell nah. This fool took it to another level of "WHAT THE FUCK" and decided, "I need to jerk off and you know what, I need something to get me going. Fuck PornHub.com or YouPorn.com, I'm gonna go to mom's room, pull out some of her dirty ass panties from her and dad's laundry basket, put that shit over my face like I'm Michael Myers and smell the crotch while I'm jerkin' my gherkin' with some of that new lotion she got from Bed, Bath & Beyond."

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

This motherfucker had no shame, whipped out his dick, put mom's panties over his face like a gas mask at Police Academy Training and went to town on his wang. Like it was no big fucking deal.

I don't care who you are, if you are the horniest person on the planet and need to masturbate, I am ALMOST FUCKING CERTAIN, you can go online, find a magazine, better yet, use your imagination to help yourself get off. Trust me, I'm like the king of jerking off and I've done everything from looking at a Macy's Winter catalog to watching every clip of Backroom Casting Couch X to make sure my hog is fed. This fool did none of that. He went to the fucking extreme and decided that smelling his mom's dirty ass panties was going to be the way to his orgasmic pleasure.

Now, we could fight the argument by saying even though he was smelling his mom's thong he didn't look at it like that. Rather, he was imagining it was probably you or some chick he wanted to bang. However, only stupid motherfuckers who are delusional would think like that. You aren't going to eat a pile of shit and say you imagined that shit was a Hostess cupcake now, would you? It's still shit, man. I don't care if you think it tasted like chocolate. You ate something that came out of someone's fucking butthole. So if he were to argue he was smelling mom's drawers thinking it was you or some other broad, you need to falcon punch that fool in the back of his fucking head. Real talk.

I guess what I'm telling you is that you need to just stay away. I mean, could it have been worse? Sure. You could have walked in on him fucking another chick. Better yet, you could have walked in on him fucking his own mother. Wouldn't that be some shit?

People might say, "Oh, it's no big deal. He's probably going through a phase. It's probably just a fetish." Dude, this motherfucker was jerking off smelling his mom's panties like he was smelling fresh laundry in a Downey commercial. Fuck. All. That.

Anyone who tries to back this is either 1) Fucked up in the head or 2) Hasn't taken their meds. I like to get kinky, but I ain't trying to keep that shit in the family.

Go find yourself a dude who likes to smell your panties. Just make sure you don't have shit stains on them. That would just be fucked up. Then again, if you like anal and he likes anal, it's probably not a bad thing.

Go in peace,

J-Wunder