The Month Long Birthday Celebration

You know what's fucking retarded? People who try to celebrate their birthday for a whole fucking month. Let me rephrase that actually: people who think it is socially acceptable to celebrate their birthday for a whole fucking month.

Who are you? Better yet, who in fuck's sake are your parents that have allowed you to get away with this shit for all your miserable years of existence? Are you that much of a fucking attention whore that you feel like you deserve an entire month of the year to be dedicated to you?? I mean, I feel lucky enough when a day out of the year is dedicated to me...but this shit ain't about me, so I digress.

I've run into many people like this throughout my life, looking back, it actually makes me question my choice in friends/colleagues/classmates. The worst part is when these people have friends who also have a birthday that month. Do you really think that you trump all your friends? It's all about you? What if they want to celebrate their birth-day, birth-week, or god forbid birth-month? How on earth do they share the moment in the spotlight? Short answer, they don’t. Come to think of it, I actually don't understand how these people have friends. How do others put up with such non-sense?

I don't care if you celebrate your birthday for a week or even maybe two. But a whole fucking month?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Remember when everyone got a trophy in little league? Win or lose. Well you my friend are trying to steal all the motherfucking trophies and act a fool. Trying to feel more important than you think you are. You ain't Ghandi, motherfucker.

Once again...

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

In my experience with these type of people, they generally fit into 1 of 3 “attention whoring” categories (this includes some of these bitch ass dudes so let's not get shit twisted):

1. The Only Child

Because Mommy and Daddy have devoted their entire lives to making this Mickey Mouse motherfucker happy…they think that all of their friends and co-workers should do the same. In their world, it is all about instant gratification, the inability to compromise or share, and a total disregard for anyone’s thoughts or feelings but their own (hence the month dedicated to them). If you haven’t come across “The Only Child” in your lifetime, consider yourself lucky…but in case you’re wondering, about 99% of the people featured on that MTV abomination of a show My Super Sweet Sixteen are only children, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Fuck you people.  Times 1,000,000.


2. The Home-Schooled Kid

You know the type. You’ve probably run into a few of these home schooled-reformed kids in your day. Sometimes they enter High School as a socially-retarded 15 year old, but usually (unfortunate for us all) they enter a University as one of those people who is still attached to their mom’s teat. They’ve been taught that public schools are temples to Satan and child pornography. Their parents solution for the first 18 years of their life, of course, is to bring the kids home in order to completely shut off the child from the outside world…usually including television. Unfortunately, this means that they have no friends and no understanding of social norms. Because of this, they have no point of reference of what is appropriate, and try to continue to this behavior into adulthood…three words: What The FUCK?!


3. The Celebutante

These people want to be famous; they actually think they are famous among their group of friends. The world revolves around them 100% of the time. When in fact, they are talentless, usually jobless, unless you could call being a slutty whore or a goddamn douche a talent or job… because they certainly treat it as a full-time profession. This mentality has caused them to think that people should be at their beck-and-call. I am sorry if you're friends with one of these people because not only are they annoying during their month of birth, but pretty much the other 11 months out of the year.

Unfortunately, in cases like these, it is pretty difficult to break this type of behavior. Many times it takes some eye-opening acts like: “forgetting” it’s their birthday (meaning no presents or Facebook posts) or double-booking on all 31-nights of festivities to make sure you can’t attend. If none of these work, tough love is the only solution, and you must cut all ties.

Just always remember, any person that chooses to celebrate their birthday for a whole goddamn month needs to be slapped. This should include the people you love dearly.  They're not that fucking special.  Who do they think they are? The Pope? Michael Jackson? Jesus (not our Lord and Savior, the other Jesus...mi amigo, The Gardener)? Last time I checked, their ass was born once...on a certain day. Don't ruin a good thing and just embrace the ONE day people actually choose to deal with your annoying ass.

Oh, and I hope you're not planning on showing up to their bullshit birthday event(s) after this informative rant.  Their ass is lucky you're still their friend.