For those who don't know the San Francisco Bay Area too well, let me just say it's fucking awesome. However, if there is one thing regarding SF you need to know about, it's that the bums here are fucking ruthless, aggressive, crazy, insane and have no fucks to give. These dudes are OG in their own world.
The story I'm about to tell you is 100% real and one of those stories where you can't even make up because it's just that fucked up.
It was a Tuesday morning. My buddy and his boss are taking their typical commute into work. All walks of life are crowding the streets as people are on their way to their jobs, gym or drug dealers house. Nothing new. Nothing special. Nothing exciting to see. Well, that was until they pulled up to a stop light 3 blocks from their office.
As they are sitting there waiting for the light to turn green, they watch person after person crossing the street. About a minute passes and they notice a bum, who like every goddamn homeless person in San Francisco, looks cracked out of their goddamn mind. It was at that moment they notice this bum pull his pants down to his ankles while shouting, "ARRRRRRRR....AAAAAHHHHHH...GET IIIITTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTTTTT OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!" Dick and balls flopping all over the goddamn place as each person who comes in his path avoids him like the plague so they don't catch something that is more than likely not curable...like herpes and shit.
Tiny step after tiny step, walking across the street, the bum is shouting as if he's in pain. "ARRRRRRRR....AAAAAHHHHHH...GET IIIITTTTTTT OUTTTTTTTTTTTT OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!"While he's doing this, my buddy and his boss notice this pretty hot chick walking about two feet behind him and dressed to the 9's. And while you may ask yourselves at this very moment, "Why is this chick not walking faster and avoiding him like the others?," anyone who is from San Francisco isn't surprised by bums doing shit like this. They ignore it and carry the fuck on with whatever the fuck they're doing. However, what happens next, Hottie McHotterson probably wished she walked like one of those professional speed fucking walkers.
Screaming, yelling and doing what homeless motherfuckers do, this smelly cat suddenly stops in the middle of the street, bends over and with so much anger, strength and purpose, he starts to take a shit. And when I say take a shit, I mean, this motherfucker shit out his goddamn life. Take the biggest pile of dookie you have ever seen, taken or Googled and times it by "WHAT THE FUCK is that, Gina?!" Real talk.
"RELEASE FROM MEEEEEEEEE!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH...IT'S COMING OOOOOUUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!," the bum yelled for the world to hear.
It was then when my buddy hears this, "OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screams of bloody murder were heard from probably every building in the city. As he turns to the right of the bum, there is Hottie McHotterson...crying, screaming and covered from head to toe in this homeless man's dookie. For a moment, everyone stood there silent as the bum was going on a good two minutes of exorcising his demons while doing toe touches and this poor fucking girl was taking globs of what was probably 20+ years of half eaten burgers, trash, old Chinese food and a thousand pounds of sewage to the dome, chest and feet. If this dude never had a colonic, he just did. And if this girl never seen one, she has now.
The streets clear and all who's left to witness this moment of "did I just see what I think I fucking saw," are the people still at the stop light. The bum starts to walk gingerly with his pants still down as, I kid you not, dookie is STILL running out of his ass and down his leg. The girl, covered in a ton of this homeless dudes diarrhea stood there motionless holding her cell phone and Coach bag, crying, confused and probably hoping for a thunderstorm to hit while praying in her head she gets run over by a bus.
The light turns green, my buddy and his boss laugh their asses all the way to the office and go on about their day. About 15 minutes of arriving, my buddies boss gets a call and is on the phone for about 10 minutes. Right after he hangs up, he walks out dying of laughter.
So yeah, that girl who got assassinated with the homeless dudes caca at the crosswalk...was walking to their office...
FOR AN INTERVIEW!!!!!
There are no words to describe what anyone, especially this chick, would be thinking after the events that transpired. I mean, you just got shit on by a homeless dude on your way to a job interview. Are you fucking kidding me? One would think she would call, make up some story and reschedule. Well my friends, she didn't do any of that. She called, told the boss man what happened and got her interviewed rescheduled. The sad part is she didn't get the job. And it wasn't because she wasn't qualified. She was actually the perfect fit. But would you hire someone after you just witnessed them get shit on by a homeless person and be able to look at them face to face every goddamn day without thinking, "There's my girl...who was shit on by that bum from head to toe at the crosswalk across from Bloomingdales"? Yeah, me too.
Moral of the story: Never walk behind a bum. You never know what might happen.
Fuck, I'm still laughing.
You really can't make this stuff up.
The streets clear and all who's left to witness this moment of "did I just see what I think I fucking saw," are the people still at the stop light. The bum starts to walk gingerly with his pants still down as, I kid you not, dookie is STILL running out of his ass and down his leg. The girl, covered in a ton of this homeless dudes diarrhea stood there motionless holding her cell phone and Coach bag, crying, confused and probably hoping for a thunderstorm to hit while praying in her head she gets run over by a bus.
The light turns green, my buddy and his boss laugh their asses all the way to the office and go on about their day. About 15 minutes of arriving, my buddies boss gets a call and is on the phone for about 10 minutes. Right after he hangs up, he walks out dying of laughter.
So yeah, that girl who got assassinated with the homeless dudes caca at the crosswalk...was walking to their office...
FOR AN INTERVIEW!!!!!
There are no words to describe what anyone, especially this chick, would be thinking after the events that transpired. I mean, you just got shit on by a homeless dude on your way to a job interview. Are you fucking kidding me? One would think she would call, make up some story and reschedule. Well my friends, she didn't do any of that. She called, told the boss man what happened and got her interviewed rescheduled. The sad part is she didn't get the job. And it wasn't because she wasn't qualified. She was actually the perfect fit. But would you hire someone after you just witnessed them get shit on by a homeless person and be able to look at them face to face every goddamn day without thinking, "There's my girl...who was shit on by that bum from head to toe at the crosswalk across from Bloomingdales"? Yeah, me too.
Moral of the story: Never walk behind a bum. You never know what might happen.
Fuck, I'm still laughing.
You really can't make this stuff up.
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