Mirror, Mirror On My Facebook Wall...

Mirror Mirror on my Facebook wall, what is the biggest lie of all?

I contemplate deleting my Facefuck page multiple times a day; but then I go back, like the junkie I am, and scroll through my feed to see what the fuck is up with all my peeps. It's not that I am sick of the kitten videos, BuzzFeed quizzes or even the 1,014,777 statuses my friends and family post of their kid getting potty trained. I contemplate deleting it because there are so many motherfucking liars out there.

I don't give a shit if you lie to yourself about what the fuck ever you want to lie about, but what cracks me the fuck up is when I read a post about something ludicrous, I cringe and am all, "Heeeellllllllllllllll naaaawwwww...that fucker is all about the smoke and mirrors today." This isn't another one of those columns where I give you a list of reasons why I hate Fuckbook or the people we hate the most, because that shit has been done more times than a bus stop skank and is so 2013. This is all about the biggest lies we tell Facebook, and the world, but we seem to forget that there are always one or two people out there that know all our dirty little secrets and can, and just might, put that shit on blast one day.

We get it, your life if fucking perfect all day, errry day. No really, keep telling us. I love reading about someone's so called perfect life, when I know that person is a grade A train-wreck, but on FB they are parent of the year, their kids are all on honor roll, and they just ran a marathon for charity. Better yet, they "Love their life so much because God has blessed them with this and that and blah, blah, blah, blah bliggity blah!" Bitch, please. <Insert eye roll here>. The only person you are fooling is yourself, which is even funnier because the more you post about your awesome life, the more people are figuring out that it is not so great. Hey, I'm not saying I'm a fucking saint because the reality is, we ALL do it. Let's not get shit twisted. I mean, who would want to constantly put, "My life is so shitty...Fuck this...Fuck that...Fuck everybody" on their page, right? What needs to be known though, is that there are a lot of motherfuckers out there that do it way more than others. I'm talking like DAILY. And for those that want to pull the "Well, if you don't fucking like it, 'unfriend' them or 'hide their news feed'." Hey assholes, why would we do that when it's shit like this that we talk about so those who need to get checked, get checked. That's just what we do so before anyone wants to go and stand on their soap box, preach a sermon and give whatever rebuttal you have, just know this - AIN'T NO ONE TRYING TO HEAR THAT SHIT. But I digress...

Oh, and what's that? You love the Lord? Good, I am glad you like posting Bible quotes and showing everyone how pious you are. Can you tell me what part of the Bible where it talks about what you did a few days ago? I think I missed that Sunday school class. I love the Hypochristians who claim to love the Lord, but will be the first to crucify some motherfucker for the same shit they just did. Let me guess...because you're a "changed person," you get to judge whoever the fuck you want, right? Tell me how that fucking works, y'all? Because I'm clueless to how someone is all, "Glory be to God...God is good," then does some ridiculous shit like stays up for 2 days high off coke, in Vegas, walking around clueless as to why they are broke as fuck but is all "YOLO, bitches" and is posting pics like they just partied with Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, Miley Cyrus and Lindsay fucking Lohan. Now that I think about it, in John 3:16 it said, "Thou shalt do stupid shit and give big ups to thy Lord and Savior because YOLO is thy best thing to the game and bitches can't be tripping off thy neighbor while posting selfies and all the greatest achievements one does for their friends, family, humanity and all mankind, son." My bad, peeps. What the fuck was I thinking?

And for those of you reading this, shaking your head and saying, "I don't do that shit, so this ain't about me," you are right. This shit ain't about you. But you better not be the other kind of liar; the worst one yet: The Relationship Faker. Those are my absolute favorite. I just rolled my eyes so hard reading about one person's undying love for another I think I pulled an eye muscle, because I know that couple and I know they would shank each other faster than two fuckers fighting over a menthol cigarette in prison if they didn't have kids, two mortgages and getting divorced wasn't going to cost more than staying together. But on good ol 'Book they are more in love today than when they met.

This just in: FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

Now, I am not hating on love. Far from it. I LOVE, love. I love people in love and all that romantical and sexical shit, because that is the best shit out there. Can I get an Amen?

What I can't stand is motherfuckers who profess their love and devotion for each other all up and down Facebook, but behind closed doors want to throat punch a motherfucker every chance they get. When I see an, "Oh, my babe is the best and I love them to death," but know you make your babe sleep on the couch and wouldn't fuck him with H-Bombs snatch and Flo-Rich pushing, I almost piss my pants from laughing. It almost makes me look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, "Self, what the fuck just happened and did my homie just start acting lessons? Because this motherfucker just won an Academy Award, yo."

YOLO this, bitch. The older I get, the more I can see the bullshit from the real shit. I think that goes for most of us, too. We all know what the fuck is up, so people need to quit trying to "Fake it til' they make it" and keep shit real. That's how we do here.

Reality. It's not just for television anymore.