Advice Column: FACEBOOK: Helping To Ruin Relationships Since 2004

Mr. Genius,

I am contacting you in hopes that you can give me a much needed outside males view on the lines by boyfriend is spitting me. A little background, he has been in the military for 15 years: Marines, Army, and contracting work. He divorced his wife of six years last year (they had been separated for the last two years), and we've been dating ever since. His work has kept him overseas for 5 months at a time (2 months home a year) for awhile now, but he quit in December and is now home for good!

With him being so far from the "real world" for so long, I understand that his only way of human connection was over the internet. Summer of last year I get a Facebook message from some women asking who I was, and said she was his girlfriend. She had met him online, but had never seen him in person. When confronted by me, he responded by first saying she was only a "friend". Then after a little digging, he came out saying it didn't mean anything,  it was just a game to him, he was bored and just needed something to pass the time. I was upset, but since she lived across the country from where we do, and nothing physically happened, I let it go with a warning to stop all that. Strike one.

Now that he is home, I find out that there are about 5 women from his past/hometown a few hours up the road that he still speaks with, who he calls his "friends". Mr. Genius, I had a feeling, and though it is embarrassing I will admit it, I looked through his phone. I find emails from one of these women discussing all the conversations they had of promises to be together when he came home for good. Also, texts from her begging him for financial help, and a relationship.  Confront him again, they are just friends, she's crazy, she knows he is with me, blah blah blah. I let it go AGAIN, letting him know its not cool to let a women talk to him like that when we are in a relationship. He needed to nip that shit in the bud. A month later, and what set me off today was that he got drunk last night, called all these women multiple times by the look of his call and text log, and asked some women on facebook who he admittedly hadn't spoke with since he was 15 out to lunch.  She lives in his hometown.... He is going home to visit family this weekend. He said he was so hammered he doesn't remember it, and would never meet her for real.

What is the deal? Is it really just talk? Like he is stuck in his overseas mentality about needing a connection with someone over technology? Are they only "friends"? His point is that nothing has happened, all he does is talk with them. He has never, and will never, physically do anything. He says I am bringing this hurt on myself by looking through his stuff, and what I don't know won't hurt me. His exact words.

Am I wrong or right with my suspicions that these relationships are not only "friendly"? Is this something I should just not care about? Please give me your male perspective!

Sincerely,
Suspicious Sally



Dear Suspicous Sally,

First off, I would like to say to you and anyone else who is planning on writing in to Ghetto Genius HQ for advice - PLEASE STOP EMAILING YOUR GODDAMN LIFE STORY. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT. I AIN'T TRYING TO READ DETAILS OF SHIT I DON'T CARE ABOUT, NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE. THANKS, MANAGEMENT.

Now let's get to your question, shall we?

Basically what you're telling me is that since your man has been back from serving this amazing country, you found some broads who he has collected in his "basket O bitches" and is doing what he needs to do to keep YOU and those gals happy and content.

Let me say something that you and the world should already know...although Facebook is great at reconnecting friends, family and the latter, Facebook ruins people, relationships and everything in between.

REAL TALK. 

I don't know how many columns I've written about how the giant of social networking is a love/hate relationship with the world. But it fucking is. Times a million bags of dicks.

People can come up with all the excuses in the goddamn world when it comes to talking to other people via the internets. If you hit someone up and have something start so innocent that turns into something a little more serious to the point it affects a relationship, then we got problems, don't we?

I'm no saint. I've been there, done that. Now, did it fuck up one of my relationships? No, sir. Did it have the chance to ruin the other persons relationship? You bet your sweet ass it did. That's why my ass put on the breaks and didn't want to be that motherfucking guy. You're welcome people with morals.

But why? Why do motherfuckers do that? Why do folks feel inclined to reconnect with people or hit up new ones to the point they go to the extremes of acting as if something is going down or planning for something to go down, even though they know it's 100% wrong?

I'll tell you motherfuckers 5 reasons why.

Reason #1: They LOVE attention.
Everyone (even those motherfuckers who deny it) LOVE attention. They love it in all forms. As long as they get it, they will take it and ride that wave til it dies. Especially if it comes from the opposite sex and gets to a place where boundaries are crossed. Call it flirting all you want, just know that nothing is "innocent" anymore. Fuck that and fuck no. Sure it MAY start off as innocent then one day, someone wants to take that shit a step fucking further and talk about sex and their favorite positions or meeting up for a drink or flying to some goddamn place for a quick little rendezvous. That's what goes down, people. That's the shit people talk about then when they get caught say, "It didn't mean anything. We were just flirting...blah, blah, fucking blah." Someone about to get a foot flirted up they ass if they keep that up.

Reason #2: They are bored in their current relationship.
Let's be real...motherfuckers get bored in their relationship after time. Contentment sets in, sex is at an all-time low, fools gained some weight, Saturday nights consist of watching re-runs of "Chopped" and "The Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills" and things have gone from exciting to "what the fuck am I still doing in this relationship?" So what does one do who is "faithful" in a bored relationship? They hit up good 'ol Facebook and strike up conversation with those "old friends" of the opposite sex. Better yet, they troll pages and pull the infamous hook, line and sinker til they get the catch of their liking. Again, everything ALWAYS starts off as innocent. Then a few days go by. Then a week or two. All of the sudden months and you know what? You are someone you know you aren't who those people think you are and for all they know, you're single, been through some rough patches or have this amazing life and want to be all bout it bout it with them. Introduce yourself back to people from your past or introducing yourself to new ones is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because what you have is not what you currently want...especially if it's not what it used to be. This is why motherfuckers need to talk and know who the fuck you're dealing with. Because if you don't, have fun playing second fiddle to the new internet lover.

Reason #3: They want to know if they "still got it." 
As we get older, the one thing we always want to make sure is if "I still got it." "Do I still have game?" "Am I still attractive?" "Does my charm, still get bitches panties wet?" Call me a clown or a dumb fuck, but if there is one insecurity that people have, it's "can I still do what I did 10 years ago?" Sadly, a majority of motherfuckers try and live in this world while others, adjust and adapt accordingly...and still fucking succeed! Facebook is a platform of online dating without actual words being spoken. Everyone who is anyone can write shit and sound intelligent. I mean, look at me...I'm like a genius when really, I'm just a dude who loves booze, vagina and barely knows how to read. But man, my words sure are powerful! Thanks, Google! I kid, I kid. Anyway, when there is ample opportunity to spit game, people will. Sure your personality may have always been flirty but when you do it too much, then you know what the fuck your intention is. Remember, no one regrets anything they intended to do. Even if you get caught and regret the fuck out of it, you really don't. You just say you did because your ass got caught red handed...and you can take that shit to the bank! BOOM! But I digress...

Being in a relationship gives people a sense that they may have lost that magic touch they once had. This is why they love flirting and reconnecting with the opposite sex on Facebook. To make sure that they game they spit 2 years ago, is the same game they can run with 2 years later and beyond. Life can be about looks, but if you talk like a retarded motherfucker, you're gonna have some trouble getting that freak in the sheets. Straight up.

Reason #4: They are sociopaths who don't really care about the feelings of others. 
I think because of Facebook and social networking, I'm convinced the amount of heartless sociopaths has risen by 10 million percent. Mr. Zuckerfuck has given us a tool that helps those shit heads talk to whomever the fuck they want without being concerned about those who love them and are in love with them. See, Facebook is a game. A dating and "let me see how many motherfuckers I can keep in my black book" game. We're all out to get ours. That's fact. We all have needs and in order to fulfill those needs, we need to be selfish and not give any fucks about anyone other than the person we are trying to swoon. Not much more to say here other than, there are a ton of these motherfuckers and if you can't point them out, you're gonna have a long and rough road.

Reason #5: They LOVE the CHASE. 
It's common that men and women love the chase. They love the fact that the opposite sex can play hard to get. It's that game of chess with Bobby Fischer. In order to dominate, execute and succeed, you must plan strategically without flaws so the prey you are looking to pounce on, sees it, and is at your mercy. This is the shit that turns fools on. This is the shit that makes them want more. This is the shit that makes them not want to stop. It's all about what happens in the beginning in order to conquer in the end. What they say, how they say it. What they do, how they do it. Chasing what they can't have until they have it is what strings both parties along. It starts as a game, continues as an addiction and sometimes has a fucked up ending...with a lot more motherfuckers involved than one thinks. Why chase just one when you can chase 10 at the same time? Especially on Facebook for fucks sake, right?


What I'm pointing out are facts. Not everyone is guilty of them, however, a lot more than you think are. Does your man fall into one or more of these reasons? You tell me. I'm just the guy who is keeping it real, stating what happens in the world of Facebook and letting you know that no matter what he says, he's still doing you wrong. Excuses are like assholes, everyone has 'em. I like mine clean without shit coming out all the time. How much shit are you willing to take.

Think about it, Sweet Tits.

Good luck,

J-Wunderful