Advice Column: Please Her The Right Way, The Rest Won't Matter

Hi GG Crew!

I need some advise IMMEDIATELY!! I understand all of you are busy individuals who have lives and other things that you need to take care of. But I'd greatly appreciate it if you could give me a prompt response. If not, it's totally understandable and I would still like to hear your professional opinion at some point.

So here it is. I am a very conservative guy. I have had a few girlfriends, and the longest lasted just over 14 months. Other ones averaged about 4 months. The furthest I had gone with them was just making out, with at least some sort of clothes on. We had never seen each other naked. Right now, I am dating this girl, who I feel is very special. We just click in every possible way. She is also the first one I have ever made out intensely too. We are currently away from each other for a while because of our jobs. So it is long distance. We are seeing each other 4 days from now, and recently, we have been talking "dirty" to each other. Basically just stuff we will do to each other, but only vaguely. However, to be very honest, I am not entirely comfortable and confident. There are a few reasons. She thinks I'm sexy from the time we spent with each other before we had to be apart. But she never saw me naked. I am afraid, she will find it to be different from what she's been expecting when she finally sees it. Also, I am quite chubby, although very strong because I play football. I still got lots of chubbs on me and I always thought that was a turn off for girls. Next, I am not confident at all about my "size". It's only acceptable when it's erected, but other times...it's just a shame. There are also times with certain positions that it feels/looks "vanished" too. I want to be able to please her and make her happy just have a good time, but I am also afraid of disappointing her, either by not getting out of my comfort zone, or by getting out of my comfort zone. What do I do? Do I just go for it? And hope for the best? But what if what I eventually show puts her off?

Self-conscious little bitch.



Dear Self-Conscious Little Bitch,

Amigo...what's up with you bashing the fuck out of yourself, man?! First off, shut the fuck up. Secondly, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Lastly, what I'm about to tell you, I need you to listen and listen really fucking good. Grab some paper and a goddamn pen because I'm about to go Braveheart on that ass. Shall we?

You know what is fucked up with society nowadays? It's that it's all about image. What you look like, what you wear, how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, etc. If you don't have 6-pack abs, have fake tanned skin or look like a fucking douche, you are considered "not all that great". Real talk.

You know what I have to say about that?

FUCK YOU, YOU JIVE TURKEY, MOTHERFUCKERS.

People who think like that are not only dense as fuck, but, they're dense as fuck and should be kept on an island with the rest of these motherfuckers so someone can bomb them and we never have to deal with that shit ever again. Now, that unfortunately can't and will never happen so we just gotta deal with the bullshit.

Brohemus, it's all about confidence. It's all about knowing that what you got, you gotta work with and show that shit off. And not to sound all high and mighty and shit but in my book, "Wait...What?! Life Advice From A Ghetto Genius," I actually talk about what women want. How men can grab a girls attention, keep it and make shit happen...without worrying about all the less important things like money, cars, spikey fucking hair and awful tan jobs.

What you need to do is simple. Accept who the fuck you are and rock your shit like you are the goddamn man. I'm not saying to act like a conceded and pretentious fuck. I'm saying, you need to exude a presence that she will dig. And from the sounds of it, she's already digging you man. You play football for fucks sake so you're like a teddy bear that chicks love. Trust me, chicks love big ass dudes who are like teddy bears. It makes them feel all protected and shit. How do I know? One of my older brothers used to play football and is a chubby fucking dude who pulled hot bitches galore. Probably had a small dick too but didn't matter, chicks loved this motherfucker. Straight up.

Fuck all this shit about being chubby and self-conscious about how big your dick is. Hey man, my dick ain't that big either and you know what? You can't do shit about it (I mean, you can but let's be honest, would you really do it?). You want a 12-gauge shotgun but God decided to pack you with a .22 pistol. That's life. The good news is that I can help you get rid of that fear because at the end of the day, a good majority of women don't care about what you're packing in your pants. Oh no. It's about how well you can execute the other shit so that sex can be mind blowing. Chubbiness, small wang and all, playa.

All it takes is following these simple rules (which again, you can also find in my book):


Rule #1: Jedi-Mind fuck, the fuck out of her

Seems simple, right? No, no my friend. It's tougher than you fucking think. If there is one thing a woman wants, it's her mind to be stimulated by a man. She wants you to make her laugh, she wants you to make her think, she wants you to be into her. Looks may catch their eye, but mind fucking them gets the motherfucking party started, son. Damn straight.

Ladies want a man that can hold a conversation, be flirty but not too overbearing and a goddamn douche. They want a man's man but with a little sensitive side. Don't be crying and shit though when you tell a story but be a genuine motherfucker when you tell it. Bitches love dudes with a heart, not with a pussy. Get her mind stimulated, then you have accomplished this rule.


Rule #2: Kissing makes the world go round

FACT: If the kiss is right, you're getting laid. One thing you abso-fucking-lutely gotta be good at is kissing, playa. So does the chick, of course. But let's say the bitch is on point with her mouth skills...it's up to you my friend to match that shit. How do you warm up the goods before sexy time? You make the fuck out, that's how. The better you kiss, the higher your chances are getting that sexy ass broad on cloud 9. Not only that, but you get her mind going places. Yeah, she's probably thinking about the heat you're packing in your pants but she's also thinking that you know what the fuck you're doing because your tongue is doing so goddamn right that what should happen in the next few minutes, might blow her ass away to Cum Dumb Fairy Land. If you can kiss a woman so good that you make a bitch blackout and forget anyone is around, you done good son.

"But J, how the fuck do I know if I'm a good kisser or not?" Great fucking made-up question, amigo. If a girl doesn't stop, moans a little and gets a little on the aggressive side...then you know your shit's on point. A girl will tell you without telling you if you're a bad kisser. Within 3 seconds, if she doesn't do a side-to-side head tongue swap, she's basically telling you, "Dude, you fucking suck. Who does that shit with their mouth?!" Trust me. Not saying I'm a bad kisser, that's just what I do to broads who kiss like their kissing their fucking cat.

Your mouth is the key to her parking garage.


Rule #3: Foreplay is the ONLY way

The night has gone every way you could ever fucking imagine. She's completely mind-fucked and into you. You kissed her so damn good that her panties are fucking soaked to the point it looks like she pissed her pants (that's a lot of cooter juice, just sayin'). She wants it, and wants it bad. She plays it cool but let's be honest, once you want the business, you let a motherfucker know you want the goddamn business. The stage is set and it's time to get her going like a fat kid in a pie eating contest.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: EAT PUSSY. IT'S RUDE NOT TO.

You don't like to eat the coochie? You do now. It tastes weird? Put some sugar on that shit. It smells funny? So does your asshole so get the fuck over it. Ok, if that shit smells like a decomposed body, then just get up and run the fuck out. But not before you karate chop that bitch in her throat and steal her purse. But let's assume the vagina smells like A Mid Summer's Night Dream. Work with me here, motherfucker. What was I saying? Oh yeah, eating pussy.

You gotta eat that shit and eat it right. And when I say eat, I don't mean bite that shit like a goddamn Subway sandwich with a bunch of chips piled in that motherfucker. I mean, play with it. Work it. Own it. Let her know you fucking love it. You gotta make sure that whatever you do, she's digging it. "But how J-Wun? How do I know if she likes what I'm doing?" Another great fucking question! Feel her body and how it moves. Pay attention to the noises she makes. Listen to her. That last part caught you off guard, huh? If there is one thing about being a pussy eating connoisseur, it's this: women will direct you without directing you. Not because you're doing it wrong, but because they want you to do it better. They want you to take their ass to another level of "WTF?! Keep that shit up and I might just let you put it in my ass baby!"

Women love foreplay. They love to be touched. They love to squirm around all crazy and shit when you own it like a boss and know what the fuck you're doing. When you do that, guess what my friend? The size of your cock won't matter. Well, it will matter if that shit is 3-4 inches. Bitches will laugh at you and probably take pictures to show their girlfriends. No joke. But 5 inches? Shit homeboy, you do her right with the Jedi-Mind shit, the kissing and foreplay, she will think your dick is King Kong's dads. Why? Because you got her to a place where her sexual senses were already pumping. The juices were fucking flowing. The O-Face was 84% complete. It's at that very fucking moment when you stick your 5 spot in her, that finishes her off and puts her on Cloud 69.



All this shit trumps what you may be concerned about. Trust me. Now, there are probably some chicks who will say they need a HUGE fucking cock but let's be real, do you give a shit about those broads? I'm telling you, don't give two shits. This chick is into you so the only way you can fuck this up is acting like a little bitch, not following these rules and becoming self-conscious when really, there's no need to man. If this girl is feeling you like you said she is, you're halfway to making her scream like a pig about to get slaughtered at the bacon house.

Be that teddy bear, act like you have a dick the size of King Kong and just do work man.

Fuck bitches. Get money.

J-Wunder