Advice Column: You're More Of A Pussy Than A Woman

(5 days ago)

Hey J-Wunder, 

You probably don't remember me but I'm the guy from Sweden who had some issues with this girl at my school. Anyway, I'm having some new problems. My girlfriend of 4 years on and off sent me an e-mail saying she was a loner and wasn't ready to be in a relationship. She just turned 21 so you can see the immaturity there. I said it was fine because i hate getting mad and fighting over bullshit.We very rarely got into arguments, because i thought getting into unncessary fights with a female was useless as it would never end. 

Now again, month or so she hadn't been texting me at all. I was doing the work. Her answers were usually short and not as positive as they used to be. I sent her a Happy birthday text and some minutes later I said to her that I needed her to be honest. 

''Okay, I'm gonna be totally honest because I think we both need to be honest with each other. I feel like you don't like me as much as you used to and I get it, after 4 + years it gets boring. 

I am afraid that I am nothing more than a friend to you now and that you may like someone else. All those years where u said u loved me and now it's so different. I have become too nice I think, and always avoiding drama. Be honest with me and tell me how you really feel, I can understand if u find me to be boring, fine. But don't lie to me please, we've been through so much together. Don't get upset pls ..''

She had obviously 'seen' the message but didn't bother to reply. I'm not a needy guy, i just felt like this shit is going nowhere and i want her to be honest with me. I do think she's got a new boyfriend but isn't willing to tell me because she might upset me. I'm usually not the emotional type, i just dislike when i get ignored. 

How should i make her be honest with me? It's a long distance relationship btw, so text is really the only thing we do. I do feel like telling her to go fuck herself but there's been way too much time and effort invested into the relationship. 

I know i will get an honest answer from you, so lay it all on the table for me. No sugarcoated shit. Have a good one my friend!


Musti from Sweden

(Today)

Btw, I don't know if this will reach you but I have to give you an update. I spoke with her and she said she can't be in a relationship with me because she has her own problems and she will only end up hurting me. She said she didn't know what real love felt like and that she doesn't want it now either. She said should would like to keep me as a friend and that it is something i have to always accept. After hearing that, I went insane and told her NO. I said i was willing to be ''friends'' for now, but not later on, I just can't. I'm still trying to convince her but I don't know. Need some help badly!!




Dear Musti from Sweden,

First off, fuck you for writing me a bunch of horse shit that you could have written in probably one paragraph. Secondly, you know all I heard when I read your email?

"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...I'M SO HURT. I LOVE HER BUT SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME. I NEED SOMEONE TO HOLD. I'M SUCH A PUSSY. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...I LISTEN TO BOYS II MEN'S END OF THE ROAD AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WHILE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF HER WHILE DOING A CANDLE VIGIL IN HER HONOR AND OUR LOVE..."

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. 

Jesus fucking Christ almighty with a splash a tonic. Fuck man. You sound worse than the whiniest girl I have ever encountered. I think this is like the 4th time you've written me. What the fuck is your deal, bro?!

Listen, I don't mean to sound like a complete asshole but I'm going to make this perfectly clear so when you wake up tomorrow, you have your balls back and you act like a fucking man and not some little fucking twat that not even women want to deal with.

Move the fuck on, homie. This bitch doesn't give a shit about you. Reading your email today, from 5 days ago and the other emails you have written me tells me one thing and one thing only:

YOUR GIRL IS OVER YOU.

As in, she doesn't give a fuck, bro. She doesn't give a fuck that she doesn't put in the effort. She doesn't care about you trying and making it work for four plus years, long distance. She doesn't love you. She could give 27 million fucks if you fucked a thousand women...all raw dog and sent her videos of it.

SHE DOES NOT CARE!!!!!

Are you hearing me?!

Who the fuck waste their time being in a relationship, long distance mind you, off and on for 4 FUCKING YEARS?! You know who? Stupid motherfuckers who are needy and have issues. That's more you than her, big guy. Real talk. For you to put in ALL this goddamn effort and her to give you nothing back, what in the fucks fucking sake of Jesus the motherfucking gardener tell you?

Once again, SHE DOES NOT CARE!!!! About you or what the both y'all have going on.

Who gives a fuck if she told you she doesn't know what love is and that she has issues or what have you. Bottom line, this bitch basically said without saying, "You're going back to the friendzone so go fuck yourself. And if you don't like it, then well...I don't give a shit. My life goes on while you sulk like a little fucking bitch, you little fucking bitch."

Again, I'm not trying to be a dick but when someone writes me about the same shit 3-4 times, I have to put that person on blast because:

A) You're a fucking idiot.

B) You need to wake the fuck up.

C) You are acting like a little bitch who thinks the world has come to an end because of some relationship that had no fucking chance since it started.

D) See A thru C

All you do is text?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Get the fuck outta here with that shit. Are you kidding me?!

First rule of relationships: If all you do is texts and don't talk like normal human beings, BREAK THE FUCK UP! If you think that's considered a "relationship" than I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Especially going on four years. Get out of here with your Mickey Mouse bullshit, man.

Kudos to you for trying to make it work and putting in a ton of effort. Women who want a good guy need someone like you. For real. How-the-fuck-ever, when you send me some shit like this:

"Now again, month or so she hadn't been texting me at all. I was doing the work. Her answers were usually short and not as positive as they used to be. I sent her a Happy birthday text and some minutes later I said to her that I needed her to be honest."

Then you need to go to the police station and file a report because someone stole your goddamn manhood, motherfucker.

Bro, if you are being absolutely ignored by your so-called girlfriend of four years (off and on), don't you think for a goddamn second that she wants nothing to do with you? Now, I know you wanted her to be honest when you confronted her and like the cunt she was, she worked her way around it and kinda left you questioning everything. Her bad. We all get that. But when she finally has the balls to tell you what's up, you act like a crazy fucking Twatzilla yourself. Hey bro, newsflash:

BITCH WANTS OUT. LET HER DO HER OWN SHIT.

If you can't be friends because it's too hard, then move the fuck on. You really think she gives a shit? Honestly? This bitch don't care about you, homie. What she cares about is everything else that doesn't involve you. Don't want to make you feel like your dick just magically turned into a vagina but that's the truth, amigo. You are putting forth effort for a lost cause. And you're like what? 22 years old or some shit? STOP IT ALREADY!!!!

I was in a serious relationship in college. This girl was the one. I'm talking, "I'd let her put a dildo in my ass because I loved her so much" the one. Ok, maybe not a dildo but definitely her finger. One day, she sat me down and the bitch broke up with me. Just like that. I was devastated. I'm talking, I cried and shit and literally listened to All-4-One and Boys II Men songs for two weeks in my room like a little fucking bitch. Depressed and sad. About three weeks later I saw her and she told me even though we aren't together she wanted to be friends. And like you, I was like, "Fuck that...fuck her. I can't do that." I stopped talking to her completely. Because I was all down and shit. Feeling sorry for myself. Then one day it happened...

I was walking home wasted from the bar one night and I looked up at the sky and was staring at the beautiful stars. And out of nowhere, some chick I saw earlier in the evening walked by and asked if she can walk with me. That's when I realized something...

I WAS BEING A FUCKING PUSSY AND WOKE THE FUCK UP!!!

Actually found my dick along with my nut sack in my back pocket.

I walked this chick home and fucked her brains out.

Moral of the story: There are plenty of fish in the sea. Stop being a fucking bitch. Get over your girl, get under a new one and find your dick because women hate a man who is a pussy. If they wanted a pussy, they'd date themselves.

Write me when you either 1) Have something great to tell me that doesn't involve this bitch, 2) Have found your dick again, 3) Are living the dream and playing the field, 4) Have been arrested for being awesome, 5) Aren't acting like a little twat.

Oh, and since you're like a 4-peat offender, I'm gonna have to charge you. No man should write me this many times and still have the same fucked up problems. Don't you fucking listen?

I'm out,

J-Wunder