The 6 People You Will Encounter During Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving…a time when families get together and everyone enjoys each others company. If only it were that easy, right? Wrong.

Call me crazy, but as we get older, it seems that more and more adults dread Thanksgiving like we do with any other family holiday function. And it's not because we hate the holidays, but because we get soooooo annoyed with some family members and/or guests. For example:

Wanna-Be Top Chef:
You get an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and you think you just won the goddamn lottery because, HELLO, you ain't got to cook and clean for 30 ungrateful degenerates, who are just going to sit in front of the TV and scratch their crotch as soon as dinner is over. You gladly accept this invitation, put on your finest track suit and head on over to the host's house prepared to eat some turkey thighs like you are at fucking Medieval Times.

What the host did not tell you was that they just got cable AND internet in their two story double wide, and they are going to make you a culinary feast that will delight your senses and tickle your taste buds.

You know what?

FUCK. THAT.

Most people go into Thanksgiving with the mindset of "let's get food drunk and eat until we puke, then eat some more." You can't do that when you are eating broasted pheasant with a truffle oil glaze, wedge salad with herbs de Provence that were grown in the host's backyard, sous vide saffron sweet potatoes and mashed baby cauliflower. Naw dawg...what the fuck is that Mr. Belvedere shit, anyway? To get the true meaning of Thanksgiving you need to gorge yourself on sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on it. Some green bean casserole everyone brings and barely anyone eats. Mama's mac and cheese and of course, turkey with gravy from the turkey juice with the lumps in it. Straight up.

Even if there were leftovers - which there never are when you are cooking food like this - you would still say, "Yeah, no," if the host offered them to you. Consider that meal an appetizer and go find you a house with some real home cooking. Or at least a KFC that is open on Thanksgiving.

The New Parents:
Since we don't live in China and people are allowed to fuck and reproduce however much they feel like it, chances are you are going to be making googly eyes and baby talk with some tiny human that can't even decipher shapes or hold it's head up. When someone brings a new baby to Thanksgiving they either think, "Fuck yeah, I get to pee alone," or, "Look at my precious tiny human and ogle the miracle that is life. LOOK AT IT." If you are not a baby person, avoid this motherfucker like they have contagious leprosy.

The person who just wants to pee alone is going to ask if you want to hold the baby. And if your dumb ass says, "YES," they are going to R-U-N. They are going to smoke something, drink something, take a pee, take a dump, shower, go for a walk, whatever the fuck they can do now that they don't have said tiny human attached to their hip/tit. They don't give a fuck if you have to register every time you move to a new town, they got some goddamn freedom and they are going to relish it. When you are done holding that kid, just pass it along to the next set of arms, like a hot potato. Make sure that diaper is full as fuck when you do it, too. Suckas!

Now, if the new parent is the 'look at my baby' type, then you had best hope that baby is not the missing link. There is nothing worse than a new parent who is so baby-love-drunk that they think their child with the googly eyes and the uni-brow is the next Gerber baby. They go to show you the baby and you automatically try to karate chop it in the throat, because it is so fucking hideous you want to set it on fire and run away. Now, I know people think all babies are cute. Wrong. The younger the baby, the wrinklier, smushed, weirder looking it is. Most newborns are not cute, and if you are the parent of a newborn, don't expect folks to fawn all over your kid like the 2nd coming of Jesus. Even Kanye and Kim didn't let people see their fugmonster for awhile because they were afraid people would come after that Franken-baby with pitchforks and fire.

The Yapper:
This person is not as much of a hot mess as The Drunk Uncle/Loser, but they are just as fucking annoying. This person usually comes alone because no one can stand their incessant blabber and then finds people to pray with throughout the day. They will sometimes hold court somewhere and just allow the victims to come to them, like a spider web. This person doesn't give a single fuck if you have known them for 5 years or 5 seconds. They want to talk to you about everything in THEIR life and let you know all the things that are going on with them.

Colonoscopy? They want to show you the video on their phone. New House/Car/Phone/Whatever? They want to tell you all about it, from start to finish and give you every detail. If this motherfucker could bring a slide show to Thanksgiving and show you all what is going on with their life, they absofuckinglutely would. The lack shame, dignity, and the ability to read normal social cues. They will usually be the first to arrive and the last to leave, just so they can target the maximum number of people to tell all their boring, trite, useless fucking stories to, because everyone is too polite to tell them to shut the fuck up.

Sit them next to drunk/loser uncle at dinner, or better yet, to the racist old person if they are not the same race as them. At least you will get some cheap entertainment at dinner.

The Drunk/Loser Uncle:
We all got problems. But this dude got some goddamn problems. More than likely, he’s at Aunt Ethel's house on a warrant that no one knows about. Drugs: he's on them and has lots of them. Weapons: a shank is duct taped to his leg and he has a stolen gun in the car…which he stole too. He doesn’t say much about what’s new in his life other than, “Things are good. Just looking for a job and trying to stay out of trouble. Where’s your bathroom…I gotta blow my nose.” Keep your kids away from this crazy sack of shit...there’s a 79% chance they’ll have already committed a crime if they get the chance to be around him.

However, outside of his inconspicuous life, he brings one thing to Thanksgiving every year - DRUNKEN SHENANIGANS. Drunk Uncle Sal is THAT GUY. The drunk motherfucker who shows up shitfaced before guests arrive and is practically blind by the time every one leaves. He never makes sense, he gets angry when you or your 10 year old cousins don't want to drink and says so much awful shit that even grandma, who is also a hot mess, gets offended. Notorious for slurring his words, passing out in his mashed potatoes, calling your sister in-law a whore on heels and pissing himself by the end of the evening, the Drunk Uncle makes it known he is here to grace everyone with his ridiculous and entertaining Thanksgiving presence.

The Bitch Ass In-law:
Getting together this Thanksgiving got you all fucking excited. Well, until you found out your goddamn brother and his bitch ass wife were gonna be there. You know…the fucking bitch that thinks she “runs shit” and has went through more life experiences than a homeless man that once was rich and pissed it down the shitter because 8 grams rocks and hookers became his hobby.

They never shut the fuck up and talk to you like "you’re listening." She thinks she’s "Mom of the Year" but seems to let her kid run around in a diaper that looks like it has about a weeks worth of dookie in it. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. That bitch. I would say something about the annoying ass brother in-law too, but all that motherfucker does is get fucking smashed with drunk Uncle Sal, say some "awkward moment" shit and get bitched at by your sister. ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

The Old Racist/Annoying Neighbor:
This is the loneliest motherfucker on the block. Parents probably died some years ago. Relatives all hate him because he banged his 1st cousin and they ended up having twins. Basically, this poor bastard has been black listed from his whole goddamn family. Lucky for you, grandpa invited his ass over because “No one should ever be alone on Thanksgiving”.  Thank gramps...you fucking asshole.

If you’ve never felt awkward in a social setting, your ass does now. The old racist/annoying neighbor doesn’t shut the fuck up. EVER. They talk more than everyone in the house combined. Ever given an autobiography on your life? Well, have no fear, because this guy is about to ask you in a very creep-dog way, all the details of your human existence. And just to add a little more fuel to that fire, they will tell you how fucked up their life is and probably ask you out on a date. Weird? What the fuck do you think, jack ass? Fuck yeah that’s weird.

He thinks his race is the superior race and that any race outside of his is just another making of Schindler's List. Mind you, everyone in your house isn't all of the same race but ask if this old fuck cares? Nope...not one goddamn bit. He's old school and at this point in life probably couldn't tell a black person from the whitest person on the block. Oh, and if you didn't know, he's a huge fan of Mexican food, loves James Brown and thinks Connie Chung is stunning...if she were white.


Honestly, there is a laundry list of the shit you'll encounter with your family every Thanksgiving. This is just the most common problem that roughly 62.6739% of us will encounter this Turkey Day.


Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, because if shit gets real, someone is going to DIE TODAY.

Bottom line: booze makes everything better. And tolerable. It also gives you the balls to tell someone that they got problems and need to shut their goddamn mouth because a Monkey Mouth Bitch is about to get bitch slapped in the face. Sorry, that was harsh. Actually, no it wasn't.

Drink because you can. Drink because you will realize that your life isn't as fucked up as these six. Drink because booze is delicious and it will make the time fly by. Just don't drink too much and cause a scene. You do that, your ass might be on this list. Wait, what?

Gobble Gobble, Motherfuckers.