Advice Column: Who's Your Daddy???

Dear J-Wunder,

My friend has a habit of dating low-life scumbags and has recently become impregnated by one of them.

I've tried to be as supportive as possible but she's making very poor decisions regarding the most probable baby-daddy and I just can't be supportive of these decisions.

Do I just back off and stop communicating as much with her?  OR do I tell her this is THE #1 mistake she will be making and tell her what's on my mind?  What do I do as a true friend???

Sincerely,
Trouble with Preggo Friendo



Dear Trouble with Preggo Friendo,

"Scumbag" and "Probable Baby-daddy" in the same advice column? Wow! You fucking serious? This is truly amazing. Not for you or your friend, but for my readers.

From reading your email, this situation leaves your friend, who sounds like her hobby is cock, with a really fucked up dilemma. Honestly. I mean, just reading the words "making very poor decisions with the most probable baby-daddy" makes me wonder, how many dudes did she nail before finding out she was pregnant? Don't answer that. Please.

Any woman that decides to spread eagle probably asks themselves a few things before doing the nasty:

1) Is this guy I'm fucking, worth it? Like, is this motherfucker marriage material and shit?

2) Does he have some type of wart or growth on his dong? I would love to fuck him, but will I be pissing flames tomorrow morning?

3) Would I actually date this guy? As in, not just have sex after a few drinks but have sex after a sit down meal at KFC?

4) Am I fucking him b/c I like him or am I fucking him because I really miss cock right now?

5) Is he a scumbag/douchebag? All the dick I know and love can't just be these guys, right?

Five simple questions/thoughts that go through the average woman's mind. For your friend, I bet none of these questions even touched the fucking surface. Basically, what I'm telling you is that your friend is a whore that you shouldn't look after and be that shoulder to cry on.

KILL ALL THAT NOISE.

She has shown that when dick comes to town, common sense, decency, and non-ratchet-ass behavior goes out the window like the men she bangs moments after she bangs them. When she gets dick on the brain, she melts. Not in the good way either. Like when you leave a tub of butter in a car in Fresno in July. Her brain is all congealed and shit.

Look, I get you're friends with her. You've seen her track record. And I'm almost certain you've been there for her when she contracted herpes from that "hot" guy during spring break in Mexico, then gonorrhea during that threesome for her 30th birthday party in Vegas.  Whether it was physical or emotional issues, you were there.  I feel bad that you had to see and hear about the physical stuff but I guess that's what friends are for.  BTW - what does gonorrhea look like up close?  Better yet, what does it look like on a vagina?

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!

But c'mon, she's a grown ass woman that should be able to figure it out on her own. She's having a fucking kid for crying out loud. Sure she doesn't know who the real dad is and might need Maury Povich to help her solve the case. And it's possible that suspect #1 might leave her for some blonde midget prostitute in Tijuana, but shit...don't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.  You ain't Mother fucking Theresa, nor should you be.

Don't tell her what's on your mind because in the end, she's going to make bad choices regardless.  If she can fuck a bunch of dudes and not know who the real father is, what makes you think what you tell her, will snap some sense into what she's doing?  That's real talk.

Be her friend, but don't be her therapist and savior.  That's what Dr. Phil and God are for.

Safe Sex is Good Sex,

J-Wunder