Advice Column: The Personal Touch

Dear Mr. Wunderful,

The other day, I was writing out a card to a friend with an upcoming birthday. As I was writing, it crossed my mind that it has become more common to put fingers to keyboards than pen to paper. 

Why is it that nowadays, society would rather communicate electronically than actually have person to person conversation? I'm guilty of this at times too but it's still nice to give and receive a hand written note or phone call once in a while. 

Looking forward to your response. 

I'm a big fan!

Thanks,
Stamps Are Expensive



Dear Stamps Are Expensive,

Believe it or not, I was one of the last of my friends to get a cell phone. 2002 to be exact. The company I was working for at the time, provided me one. A BIG ASS ONE. With an antenna and all. Shit was so fucking big that you could have killed a motherfucker if you made direct contact with their head, neck or heart. If you hit them in the back, well, someone was definitely gonna be paralyzed. Real talk. Made Zack Morris' phone look like a play toy.

I was one of those guys who memorized everyones phone number, home address and favorite goddamn drink. I was that guy who was like a database of shit that no one else wanted to remember...until I got a cell phone.

As a society, as soon as we got a cell phone, something happened.

WE GOT LAZY.

Whether it was in 2002 or 2013, the reality is, technology today has fucked with our heads and told us:

1) Why personally handwrite anything? Send a text. Maybe an eCard. Better yet, send them a $25 gift card from Starbucks with the most generic message one could give a friend of 10+ years.

2) We are a society totally based on instant gratification and I want it 5 minutes ago. Remember when you had a pager and you could get a page, but then still call back at your liesure because you had to 1) get the page 2) find a phone/pay phone 3) make sure you had change for the pay phone and if the beeper stars didn't align in the pager's favor, then you as a pagee got a "get out of returning the page" free card. Not no more, son. Fuck all that. Now, if you don't call or text someone back RIGHT FUCKING NOW people think you are lying face down in a gutter, getting ass raped by meth-heads, when you are probably just sleeping or gettiing some brain from your chick. But you will be goddamned if you don't call someone back immediately.

3) People equate their technology with being a lifeline. Remember the last time you left your cell phone at home? Did you go home and get it or did you just let it ride and post some shit from your friends phone on FB like, "LOL, left my celly at home, hit me up on here if you need me." You probably went home and got that shit, because you know, you are really important and what not, and God forbid you don't have your fucking cell phone for a few hours, you could cease to exist as human. I know 99% of the population is not a doctor or the President of this or any other country so if you think you can't live for 8 hours without your phone, trust me, you can.

4) Why see you in person when I can Facetime or Skype you via celly-cell, bitch? It has gotten to the point where long distance relationships actually last longer because of this awesome feature. However, if you're less than a train or plane ride away, is it that hard to spend some quality time with a good friend or lover, person to person, motherfucker? Seeing someone has way more fucking meaning than any letter, text or phone call. Why? Well assholes, if you're with someone face to face, you can either get into some fuckery, have sexual intercourse or do things that only one could imagine was well worth it.

It's awesome that we can have a 20 minute fucking chat on a screen that may or may not freeze time to time or go in and out of service. It's also awesome that you're 30 minutes away and instead of fucking your brains out here in my bed, I'm jerking off to you on my little camera via Facetime or Skype while you play with your bead and don't get all loud because "your roommates might hear you". What kind of fucked up fucking bullshit is that, right?

Again, it comes back to technology making shit easy for us. Facetiming dirty time is probably more convenient than getting into your car, driving and possibly hitting traffic. Getting to your lovers pad. Fucking. Hanging out for a while. Quietly debating, "should I go home right now or sleep here tonight?" If you leave, you get home late and are pissed that you didn't get enough sleep. If you spend the night, you're pissed that you have to wake up early and didn't get enough sleep. Hence, yanking on your pork chop and flicking your pearl on-screen with one another makes it a win-win for everyone.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

5) If it can't be said via text, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn or even old ass MySpace, then you will not get what you need from me. We sometimes live in a world of "I don't have time to talk". That's why as a society, we like to shortcut shit. I know friends (I'm guilty of this too) who get calls, don't answer them but will text that same person back in seconds with "what's up?". They could be sitting at home not doing jack shit but will do this every single fucking time. Why do you think a majority of these goddamn cell phone providers are giving away "unlimited talk minutes" but are charging motherfuckers an arm and a leg for "unlimited texting and data"? Because fools don't like to talk. If they do, it doesn't involve a fucking voice.

The thought is, if what you need can be sent any way other than a fucking phone call, "I'm all ears." That shit ain't fucking right but it is what it is. Straight up.


Times have changed as has technology. Pretty soon, we're gonna start reading each others minds and this goddamn country just might be silent as fuck. Like a bunch of mimes and shit. Who the fuck would want that, right?

And whether we want to believe it or not, we are all guilty of all this shit. Sure a lot of us want to go back to how it use to be but when you think about it, that shit takes too much fucking time.

Sad, isn't it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to answer some missed calls via text message and Facebook. Because listening to a phone ring and a possible voicemail pop-up just pisses me the fuck off.

I'm out,

J-Wunder