Advice Column: Not Such A Blast From the Past

J-Wunder!  I need your opinion/advice. You are always so straight to the point and honest and that's something I need right now.

Long story short - first love dogged me hard.  First love back in high school - we dated for almost a year.  We were our first everything!  I even got pregnant but ended up having an abortion - my mom forced the issue since I was a minor.  A few months later we broke up - a few more months and we officially quit each other.  Haven't talked since.  Flash forward 17 years and our sons end up playing on the same basketball team.  We are both married now with kids.  I'm happy in my marriage but I straight list my mind seeing him.  Honestly it was very awkward for me to see our sons being friends in the same court.  I didn't know how to act I had all these emotions flooding back to me.  So I emailed him with a piece offering - no awkwardness, let's be friends. I told him that my husband knows all about him (even the abortion).  His response, don't tell my wife who you are.  That set me off - here I am trying to be all nice and he has to act like I'm some dirty secret.  Feeling hurt I told him no worries I'll pretend I don't know him and I won't contact him again.  My son is no longer on the team.  My husband thinks I should tell his wife - defend my honor.  What do you think?  Was I wrong to reach out? Is this my proof that he never really loved me at all?  I think that's what I'm trying to figure out in all this.  Does he not think about the fact that we once had a baby? Is it possible he's that heartless?

 Any input/opinion/advice you could give would be greatly appreciated!

Dear Flash in The Pan,

I didn’t put your real sign off because even though I am all about the business, I ain’t about putting your government name out there so people can be all up in YOUR business. I try to keep it classy as fuck some days. Just so you know, J wanted me to answer this question because this asshole is off actually working his day job...acting like he ain't some published author and shit. That dude loves to stay humble. Anyway, enough about his crazy ass...this is about ME helping YOU. Shall we? 

Before I get to the gristle of my answer, I must point out the hilarious Freudian slip you threw in. You offered him a piece offering instead of a peace offering. I hope in your email you didn’t put that you wanted to make a piece offering, because if you did that would be a pretty clear indicator of why he told you not to tell his wife who you are. If my dude’s ex from 17 years back offers my dude a piece of anything, I am gonna go straight Tonya Harding on that ass and hire some dudes to break some fucking kneecaps.

The first part of your email wasn’t too bad, then you hopped on a one way bus to Crazy Town. I don’t know what happened while you were typing this on your phone (readers: I know she was because I fucking KNOW, ok?), but you went from normal to borderline psychotic in a few sentences. Were you in the car and someone cut you off? Were you at the grocery store and some kid beamed you in the head with a can of peas? You seemed to be holding it together in the beginning of the email, and then...BOOM GOES THE CRAZY DYNAMITE. Let me break some shit down for you, real quick.

1) Should you tell his wife?

FUCK NO. You will look 50 Shades of Crazy and like some jilted bitch who can’t move on. Defend your honor? From what? What happened was 17 years ago. It’s not like you are on the hoe stroll on the regular or shaking your mommy milk bags for dollars and you need to defend the life you are currently living. And what kind of shit do you need to defend from the past? You were a teenager and you got into some shit that teenagers get into ALL THE TIME. I mean, was there a chance that it was either your boyfriend’s baby OR the entire football team’s, because you let them run a train on you? Probably just the former. Do you need to defend your momma for making you get rid of the baby? Nope! That is on your mom's to deal with.

You have moved on, up, and over that mess. So let it go. Fucked up shit happens to all of us and we all deserve a chance for peace from the past. And tell your husband to stop acting like a little beotch and trying to see two chicks fight in a pool of jello in bikinis. That is NOT what is going to happen if you go running to new wifey trying to dredge up some shit from a lifetime ago. More like you might get shot in the face, Amy Fisher style – yes, today’s column is full of 90’s Escandoloso. You are welcome.

2) Does he not think about the fact that you had a baby/is it is possible that is that heartless?

I am sure it crosses his mind that he once slipped one past your goalie. But shit went down and he MOVED THE FUCK ON with his life and got him a new one. Let me sing you the song of his people, “Men are simple creatures, men are simple creatures, fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la.”

No, he is not heartless. He is human. He pressed ctrl-alt-delete on that time in his life and pushed it to the back of his mind. Most men don’t deal with trauma, tragedy, or emotions by putting all their shit out there and having an Oprah style cry-fest, complete with surprise guests from their past. No, they bury that shit deep in their chest cavity and focus on getting to the next fucking day.

Two words: STOP TRIPPIN'. 

3) Were you wrong to reach out?

Yes and No. You said y’all officially quit each other. This leads me to believe he didn’t suddenly stop calling you, or move to another town never to be heard from again – y’all had the talks, the tears, and the “break up.” Meaning you had closure. I know when bitches don’t get closure, their brains begin to short circuit and then all kinds of crazy unfolds from that. If you didn’t have closure, then no, you weren’t wrong to reach out. But if you did, then yes, you kind of were. And you got exactly what you deserved.

You said YOU lost your mind seeing him and that it was awkward for YOU. Did you ever think about how he was affected or feeling, especially if he had put everything to do with you on the back burner and was just you know, living his new life? You should have read the verbal and non-verbal cues from him and if it was awkward as fuck and weird, then you should have left it at that. End of story.

Lemme axe you a question: If you are married to a new dude, have a couple chirruns with this dude, and what appears to be a pretty chill marriage, why are you sweating old news? I get that some shit went down 17 years ago and it seems like you have a twinge of regret, but baby-girl, that is the past. You know what happens when you dwell on the past? You forget about the present.

Word.

H-Bomb