Advice Column: Desperate for the D

Hey J,

I STILL have not had sex! WTF?

I came right out and told my neighbor...that I became friends with 6 months ago...and have major hotness for.....that I wanted to have sex. He is seeing his ex-wife who lives in Vegas and said he didn't want to hurt her or me.

WTF? I am much younger than him and want him to take care of me six ways to Sunday...and he turned me down!
SO...I started hinting to the cute, young, bartender at a local joint I go to...that I was interested....and I he backed off too.
I am a nice looking chick...and come right to let them know I want sex...and I STILL AINT GETTING IT!
WHAT THE HELL?
C



Dear C,

WHAT THE HELL is right. But for me to say to you, because you should have signed off as D, not C. For DESPERATION. Which you reek of. Sorry to be so blunt, but damn Gina, you need to calm yo tits if you want a dude to play with them one day.

Mira Mami, (Google translate that shit if you don't get it) no guy wants to give his balogna pony to a bitch that acts like she is going to grind his meat into ground chuck with her bare hand, while cackling and calling him her "precious." When you start poppin’ that pussy all over the place and throwing it out there like a cat in heat, a guy doesn’t see a chick who looks like she is down to bone. He sees a chick that is going to bang him like he’s the last piece of dick on the planet (FUCK YES!) and then.... slice his face off and try to wear it like a mask (FUCK NO). There is a simple equation men do in their head when they are deciding if they are going to feed you their chimichanga for dinner:

Is the Crazy > or < Hot Monkey Lovin’?

If the possibility for crazy is greater than the possibility for sex so hot that it will peel the paint off the walls, dude might look at you like a lazy-eyed-psycho and give you the ol’ "pass," instead of the ass. Now, I know some dudes that when they see that little glimmer of crazy in a girl’s eye, they get all weak in the knees and start trying to get in her pants right at that moment. Or, the girl is SO hot that no matter what amount of crazy she is slangin’, they are all about bangin’.

You may be a good looking chick, but unless you are Giselle hot, you cannot be 10 lbs of crazy in a 5 lb bag and expect dudes to overlook it just so they can take a ride on the P.T.E. with you. Unless your pussy shoots out sparks when you cum. If that is the case, hell-o! Send me some pics of your 4^th of July box. BOOM!

So, what’s a girl like you to do when you have an itchy kitty that desperately needs scratching? First things first, you CHILL. And when you are done, chill some fucking more. And after that? I think you get it. CHILL. BEAVIS.

Ok, you are now so fucking chill you could sink the Titanic. The next thing you do is go out and practice the simple art of flirting. Not walking up to the first dude you meet, lifting up your dress, and showing him your coochie tattoo that says "open for business" right above your box. No, no, dear heart. You have to put some class in that ass. Remember H-Bomb’s first rule to getting laid:

If you want to get fucked like a whore, you must first act like a lady. Just ask mah boy Ludacris.

If a guy wanted to fuck a stripper, skank, scally-wag, prostitute, hoe-bag, crab-shack, or any of those kinds of women, he would go out and find one of those women and do all the depraved things with them. When a guy goes to the bar to pick up a piece of ass for a little slap and tickle, he is probably looking for someone to have a conversation with and then try to finger in the bathroom. Not just some girl to finger bang in the bathroom and then leave at the bar, and stick with his tab. He wants a little effort for his "D."

Most people like to be flirted with and seduced a little before jumping into bed for a possible one night bangerooski. Yes, of course I know that there are some people (J-Wunder and Anonymous, mostly) that will literally pick up the first bus stop skank they find, bang them right there in the back of their Datsun, and then drop them off at the next bus stop, never to hear from then again. However, the other 92% of the population want to know that there is more to their bang partner than just a flaming cooter that needs their dick to put out the fire. I know, what I am saying goes against every fiber in my well boozed being, but to be fuckable sometimes you have to act datable.

I can’t even imagine what it is like to go 9 years without sex. If I went 9 years with out my vitamin D injection on the regular I would probably be in jail for punching babies, kicking old people, and arson. I get it, boo, times are tough, dick is delicious and you need some like 8 years ago. But, if you want a dude to blow your back out you are going to have to let them come to you a little. If you are a decent looking chick this should not be a problem. Just dial down the crazy eyes and the "me so horny" talk and you might find a dude that wants to Wang Chung, tonight.

Now go change your batteries and read this again.

XO

H-Bomb