Mister J Fuckin' Wunderful,
I've been reading your blog for a long fuckin' time now and I love it. The CREW are a badass bunch of folks and taking RoMo or Flo-Rich for a ride on the PTE would probably have a brother more geeked than when Charlie found that golden ticket. As much as that might contrast with what I need advice on (a guy can dream, right?), the statement still stands. Anyways, enough with the e-rimjob I'm giving to y'alls egos……
I'm a traveling musician, so I'm out of town most weekends. Some-fucking-how, I managed to find a girl to put up with that bullshit (probably helps that I bought her one of those shower heads that's basically a g-spot hunter). She's been cool for a while, but then that fuckin' nine-headed serpentine cunt of an emotion came around…..jealousy. No matter what I tell her about how the whole "touring" thing actually is, she seems to think I'm living like I'm Tommy Fucking Lee on the Motley Crue world tour or some shit……The reality is, I play in some bars that range from "okay" to "what fucking third world country did I just arrive in?", dodge junkies while I'm loading my shit into the van, take a shit, and then fall asleep on some sheets that are definitely soaked in seven kinds of shame juice.
She's worried about the girls when I'm out and about. I never lie to her and say that I never get offered, it happens….and I'm not about to lie about something. There have been some seriously tempting ones, too, but I'm not gonna do her like that. No matter what I say, she's always suspicious, she's even been asking the other band members about what I do out of town…..same story, every time. I can understand her being worried, but where the fuck is the line where I just have to say "Look, stop that shit. You're acting like a psycho"?
Sincerely,
Rockin' Out Without Cock Out
Dear Rockin' Out Without Cock Out,
Man oh man, oh motherfucking man!!!
Just when you think you got yourself a "good one," bitch decides to get all 50 Shades Of "You're Cheating On Me Huh, Asshole?!"
FACT: ASSUMPTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK-UPS.
You're a musician. You know what that translates to regardless if you are amazing or completely fucking shitty?
P-U-S-S-Y
M-A-G-N-E-T
D-E L-A F-U-C-K-O
As faithful as you are. As honest as you are. As committed as you are. There is one motherfucking problem - YOU ARE A MUSICIAN. You have a career where it is assumed that pussy is coming at you so fucking fast that you walk around with a concussion almost daily. That's how much pussy your girl thinks is coming after you at Mach 3 speed, son!
Now, the situation is fucked up for a few reasons:
1) You found someone who you truly THOUGHT is down for you and supportive of your career.
2) Once the comfort zone hit, motherfuckers decided to change things up and show those real ass colors.
3) No matter what you say, it will always be assumed that you are either, fucking, sucking, fingering or tea bagging some broad when you're away. Doesn't matter if you're at some dive bar in BFE with 4 people...2 with no teeth...2 blind motherfuckers or at some swanky ass venue where the place is packed beyond belief...you are a marked man because of what you do.
Simple solution to your problem amigo.
DUMP THIS BROAD.
Now, before people get all sensitive and tell me to fuck off, hear me out.
This chick knew exactly what the fuck she was signing up for. It's not like you all of the sudden met, you tell her you're an accountant then one day turned into a fucking musician. No sir, motherfucking Bob. She probably met you at one of your performances and her being into dudes that know how to play a goddamn instrument that can sing some wholesome ass bravado, made her panties wet. You dug her, she dug you and that's all she wrote. Until shit got real...
See, in her head, she's into dudes like you....as are all the women she sees at these performances. What I'm trying to tell you is that prior to meeting you, she had thoughts...some good, some bad and some really fucking dirty as to what she would do to a musician if she ever had a chance to lay her hands and pussy on one. Not sure what went down when you two met, but if I were a betting man, I would imagine it was you playing her a song with your guitar then your cock in her mouth. See where this is going, playboy?
She thinks now that she has you all to herself, these other bitches who go out to see you have an agenda. One that involves you, a late night and some fuckery that might make some farm animals throw the fuck up. That's not your style and for that, much respect.
How-the-fuck-ever, she doesn't think that way and stays true to what she knows. Well, what she thinks she knows because she did something to get the man she wanted. Realize when we meet someone, 50% of people don't act like who they really are...anywhere from 6 months to a goddamn year! Motherfuckers are so high on Cloud 9 that we're happier and act like we don't have any fucking problems. Then once the comfort sets in, true colors come out and either that person is the same OR that son of a bitch watches you sleep and envisions skinning your face and wearing that shit forever. You may laugh but if you have never woken up to some crazy motherfucker watching you, I'll tell you right fucking now...that shit ain't cool. I almost headbutted a bitch then put her in a figure 4 leg lock one time because she looked at me as if I was about to take my last breath. Fine as hell....crazy as Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Straight up.
Your girl may think she's onto you. For that, you either need to tell her to stand the fuck down and go watch some old school Beverly Hills 90210 OR tell her to kick rocks and exit stage "get the fuck out of my life". If you wanted to fuck mad bitches, you wouldn't be with just one broad, right? Everyone stereotypes certain lifestyles. Sometimes it's fucking cool. Sometimes it can be your worst fucking enemy.
As modest as you are, I know you can pull any bitch you want. I don't need to know what you look like because you're a musician. Bitches from all walks of life LOVE musicians. If that motherfucker Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers can pull bitches, then I have faith you can find another broad. One who you should probably not be in a relationship with. Just sayin'.
If you want to find a relationship, go to the library. That's where all the freaky, intellectual chicks hang out. I'm probably full of shit because I've only been inside a library like 5 times. Fuck it, do whatever, just make sure you dump your current gal. Unless you want to die in your sleep. Then have a nice, short life, motherfucker.
Party On,
J-Wunder
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