Advice Column: What NOT To Do After You Break-Up

J, 

I just got out of a bad relationship in February and wanted to know if you had any advice on what NOT to do after couples break-up. I can't stand my ex and don't want to fall back into habit and be with someone that I know isn't right for me. We were together for a long time and it's been a love/hate thing for years. I need to do what's right and know you have answers. 

Appreciate your insight man. 

Thanks,
Don't Want To Fall Back In



Dear Don't Want To Fall Back In,

Relationships can sometimes be a bitch, right? Some are so great that there isn't a worry in sight. On the other hand, there are relationships so fucked up that it's a goddamn recipe for fucking disaster. I'm talking some about fool's killing other fool's because they just couldn't take how they made the bed everyday, type of shit.

It's my job to make sure YOU and the rest of the people reading this (who are in the same position) don't fuck up their lives and happiness because y'all were to stupid to wake the fuck up.

Grab some paper and a pen and take some notes. I'm about to get all Dr. Phil up in this bitch.


Rule #1: Don't ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER...get back together with your ex once it's all said and done. 

This is specifically geared towards you folks who do that whole, "break-up and get back together" every fucking week thing.

First off...you people need to wake the fuck up and smell the goddamn dog shit on the motherfucking lawn. Why on earth do people do this? Have you not been hugged enough as a child? Stay together one minute then break-up the next? If you're together, STAY THE FUCK TOGETHER. Your relationship isn't a goddamn tennis match and this isn't fucking Wimbledon. Healthy relationships last because fools put in the work that requires couples to be happy. Fuck all this "I love you so much baby" then 6 hours later, "What bitch?! Well fuck you too then. Stupid ass whore. By the way, I fucked yo' sister and came inside her. How bout them apples? It's over!!!" Then 2 days later, "Baby, I was just kidding. You know that I know that you know that I know I love you my twerkalicious lotus badunkadunk. You're my forever boo...let's celebrate and head on over to Sizzler."

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

If you can't hold a stable relationship, then you need to take a good look in the fucking mirror, turn off the lights and ask Bloody Mary to help you the fuck out. You not only look like a jackass but someone who doesn't know sugar from shit. Next.


Rule #2: Don't play into their games.

Look, payback is a bitch. I know this all too well. You know what is also a bitch? Karma, motherfucker. And if I were a betting man, I would say about 35-40% of relationships end up bad. Whether it's because one of you cheated or some Mickey Mouse bullshit only crazy people can relate to, relationships that don't end well always have a long running theme of revenge, fighting to the Nth degree and other shit you only see on Lifetime Movies.

Now, that all said, one thing we all have in mind is paying a motherfucker back for how they probably did us wrong. This is the part where I say...

DON'T DO THAT.

Why? Simple. Because your ass does not only play into their childish foolery BUT you put yourself in a situation where you will fuck yourself harder than you probably think. A lot of us know how to be shady. However, a lot of us don't know how to be smart. Take the high fucking road, don't act a fool and be the smart motherfucker out of the two. Karma ALWAYS comes back to bite you in the ass. It may not be how you expect it, that's the beauty of Karma. It's one of those fucking things that makes you want to become a born again Christian and never fuck up or fuck over anybody ever again. Real talk. It's some eye opening shit y'all. That's why you need to be the smartest of the two and let those toxic fucking people do whatever the fuck they want because in the end...they'll get theirs. It may be in the form of diarrhea for 72 straight hours or them getting attacked by a homeless person with AIDS and a big ass schlong...regardless, when you take the high road and do your thing, Karma will be on your side. Well...hopefully.


Rule #3: Don't be the crazy one. 

I have had my fair share of crazy bitches. Ones who watched me sleep and probably plotted ways to kill me in hopes to wear my skin for Halloween. Ones who tried to run me over with their car at 2 'o clock in the goddamn morning. And ones who told me they loved me after a one-night stand...mind you, I knew them for a total of 3 hours. 1 hour of taking shots at the bar. 2 hours of laying my pipe down in them.

The fact is, in almost every relationship where people finally find that comfort stage, things tend to change. Basically, they show a side that might be a little fucking crazy. Where the fuck was this for the last year, motherfucker? I didn't know you watch me outside of my office window during your lunch? Why are you choking me with a phone cord while you bang me doggy all of the sudden?

See, in relationships, changes like those take time. However, when a relationship ends...especially on bad terms, take what I just described above and multiply that shit by 1 fucking Googolplex. Fools be doing bat-shit crazy stuff. Straight up.

I'm talking some boiling rabbits and leaving them on door steps. Slashing tires. Bashing windows. Sending you black roses with chocolate covered cockroaches. Watching you sleep through your bedroom window while they masturbate with an icepick. Wait, what?

This is serious people. I don't know what your crazy meter is like and I hope I never get to find out. Just know that when relationships take a turn for the worse, fools be flipping that Norman Bates switch and people end up missing on the 10 'o clock fucking news. It's about to be all CSI: What the fuck just happened, son?!

We all have a side of crazy. Just don't show your cards first. Matter of fact, control the crazy and run the fuck away. Crazy.


Rule #4: Don't drunk text or drunk dial them.

For you drinkers out there, this is a very important rule. When we drink, 82.389% of us have tendencies of doing the infamous drunk dial or drunk text...specifically to booty calls and/or ex's.

When that happens, shit gets all fucked up and we tend to say things we wouldn't say sober...so we think.

"Baby...I'm so horny and just want to be inside of you. I want you back. Hit me up because I want to make you breakfast tomorrow after our fuck session."

"I'm sorry for everything honey. I love you and want to get back together. Can you pick me up at the Irish Bank then we can swing by Taco Bell before heading to your place? Never gonna treat you bad again. :)"

"I was such a bitch boo. I didn't mean to tell you those things and I didn't hook up with your best friend. He actually sent me a pic of his dick and I deleted it. I'm so stupid for not telling you when it happened and you caught me masturbating to it. YOU are my world baby. No one else. I love you. I can't believe we broke up for like the 2,980th time over bullshit...AGAIN."

"jl;adjlksfjlas...fucklka;jdf babe. wasted. a;lidpick mee up pleaseeee. need 2 talk 2 u b aby. i love you and us. lets get mrrid and live together. i want to make bbies with uuuuuuuu. serius dis time. xoxo"

This is the exact shit I'm talking about. When we're all fucked up and can't find a rebound (even if they look like the Elephant Man or Jabba the Hut) for the night, we will venture to our handy 'ol phone and start typing or calling without thinking. Emotionally, we're thinking with our sex package and could really give a shit about what happened two days ago and how bad things went.

FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS THE GARDENER, DO NOT DO THIS WHEN WASTED. YOU WILL REGRET THIS SHIT FOREVER OR WHEN YOU'RE LYING IN BED WITH THEM AND YOU HAVE "NO FUCKING IDEA" HOW THAT HAPPENED.

There's nothing more to say unless you're really fucking stupid and need this shit said to you in sign language.

Here's the quick solution: DELETE THEIR NUMBER IMMEDIATELY AFTER BREAK-UP.


Rule #5: Don't stalk them online.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, MySpace, LinkedIn...whatever. The one place where it's the easiest and quickest way to stalk someone, especially your ex, is via social fucking networking.

Say all you want, a majority of us motherfuckers do it. The relationship may have ended but we still want to keep tabs on what the fuck our ex is doing.

So the question is, "Do I or don't I unfriend them?" The easy answer is to unfriend the fuck out of them. However, the curiosity and insecurity inside of you, wants to see what they do, where they go, who they might be dating blah, blah, fucking blah. You can go ahead and deny it all you want, the reality is, it happens. And if you do unfriend them, you sneakily will go out of your way and go on your friends FB or other social networking sites to see what the fuck they're up to. This is where you tell everyone who is connected with your ex to cut all ties. Now, some friends won't because your business isn't their business so that's an argument you could have or just let it be. Keep it mind, if you just let it be, don't think for a goddamn second that you won't be checking in on what they are doing via your friends account. I'm no genius but I'm not a fucking idiot.

Don't be that motherfucker who does this because not only is it creepy as fuck but...it's creepy as fuck.

You broke up for a reason, just let that shit go and move the fuck on.


So there you have it...five rules on what NOT to do after you break-up.

It's not rocket science. It's just a simple reminder that if you don't want anything to do with a motherfucker, you got to avoid the shit that you know a majority of society does.

Take what you will from this. I just hope I don't see your ass on the 10 'o clock news.

Go in peace and make a brother proud!

J-Wunder