Advice Column: Those Cheap Motherfuckers

Dear GG,

Dude, love your blog and just finished up your book! You are fucking hilarious and now I can see why so many people love you. Thanks for always making my shitty days brighter. On to my question...

I have a friend that's cheap as fuck. We've been friends since middle school and are now in our 30's. This dude doesn't pay for shit and even if we don't invite him out, he ALWAYS seems to know where we are. Dude is always on someone's tab and has some excuse as to why he can't pay. 

He has a job and lives with his parents..sad right?

How the fuck do we break this trend of the freeloading friend. 

If there is one guy who doesn't sugarcoat shit, it's you. 

Thanks,

Not The Cheapskate 

Dear Not The Cheapskate,

All I read was "doesn't pay for shit," "always on someone's tab" and "excuse as to why he can't pay". Are you ready for a motherfucker to lay the smackdown on your homeboy, bro? I hope so because like you, many people in this world suffer from these same exact slap dick and monkey mouth bitches we actually like to call our friends.

Grab some paper and a pen because I'm about to get real up in this bitch.

I've been in your position. I know this shit all too well, amigo. It's a buddy who I've known since 7th/8th grade. Cool cat. However, cool is about the only fucking thing this asshole has going for him.

See, it didn't happen til after I graduated college. Got my first job and was doing alright for myself. And while I was working for the man, my buddies still had about another year or two left before they had to experience the real world. That said, anytime I'd go out with my friends, I made the choice in paying at least 85% of the time. Typically when it came to getting shitfaced at bars. No big deal. I was a broke ass college student not too long ago so I completely understood that times are motherfucking tough.

So as time went on, I kept doing what I was doing. Treating the same guys, doing the same old shit. Not gonna lie...I'm one of those friends that wants to make sure EVERYONE is having a good time so if that means I gotta drop a little more dime than expected, I will. I guess I can thank my dad for always being a good host and entertainer. Thanks, pops!

Now fast fucking forward to about 3 years after I graduated. All my buddies have finally graduated and got their broke asses jobs. However, one friend in particular decided that even though he had a goddamn job, lived with his parents and only had a cell phone bill to worry about, that he would not only hangout with us every time we went out, BUT he wasn't going to pay for SHIT! EVER.

Let me repeat that in BOLD:

However, one friend in particular decided that even though he had a goddamn job, lived with his parents and only had a cell phone bill to worry about, that he would not only hangout with us every time we went out, BUT he wasn't going to pay for SHIT! EVER. 

Your friend that you speak of, is who this motherfucker I'm talking about IS to this fucking day.

Dude is an adult. Has the ability to do shit like buy a house, a new car, start a 401 fucking K, take bitches his age on real fucking dates. To actual restaurants and shit. But (surprise, surprise) decides to still be that cheap motherfucking friend who does the following EVERY GODDAMN TIME:

1) Brings a wallet with just an I.D. NOTHING ELSE. For those of you who carry wallets, dump all your shit out right now and just put your I.D. in it and let me know what that feels like. Yeah, that was and is this motherfucker. Who the fuck walks around with a wallet with just a driver's license in it? All flimsy and shit.

2) Says, "I'm broke until payday." Hey asshole, you live with your parents, don't have a car payment, and never go out unless it's with us. You a fucking unpaid intern and aren't telling us something?"

3) When the bill comes, this piece of shit all of the sudden, "has to go to the bathroom" OR "gotta take this call". How the fuck you gotta go to the bathroom when you just went to the bathroom 2 seconds before the bill came? You know why? He fucked up his timing. And you got a call? Hey fuck face, Boost Mobile called and said you ran out of minutes 2 weeks ago. Time to reload, dick.

4) Will follow one of us to the bar, see who opens up a tab then when no one is fucking looking, buy drinks on it. Good example - about 4 years ago, me and the fellas went out to a spot that our homeboy was bartending at...like the jackass I am, I put my card down...sure enough, my cheap ass friend's eyes lit up like his bitch ass just won the goddamn lottery. As the night goes on, everyone is having a good ass time and I notice my cheap buddy is at the bar buying a shit ton of drinks. I'm talking 4 beers, 4 cocktails and 6 shots. Passes them around to a bunch of motherfuckers I have never seen before in my goddamn life. Giving a cheers in a big ass circle then busting out the cabbage patch and a broke ass version of the Dougie as if dude was a celebrity in the whole fucking place. The bartender who served him those drinks, shouts out, "What's the tab under?" And as my drunk ass sat there and stared, I see him utter the words in slow fucking motion, "WWWWWWWWUUUUUUUNNNNNNNDDDDDDDEEEEEERRRRRR..." Please note, that's not my real last name as if you motherfuckers didn't know that. But he uttered my last name. Anyway, I was pissed the fuck off and being the cool guy that I am, didn't let it bug me. Well, until I closed out my $230 TAB!!!!

Now to some, that's not much. However, when you have a buddy who hooks you up with drinks typically all night and the average tab you walk out of there with is roughly $40...$230 is a lot of fucking money. OF DRINKS MY PUNK ASS SHOULDN'T BE PAYING FOR.

5) Asks to borrow money but has yet to payback anyone for the 20+ years this motherfucker has known us.

People, I'm not joking when I say this...I love my buddy. He's a great fucking guy. But as I added up all the times I basically paid for his cheap ass, I would guess he owes me 1 million dollars. Ok, not a million...maybe 250 thousand. That's how cheap this sorry sack of shit is. And to this day, I tell him that.

So what's the solution to this problem? What is the one thing you and the rest of the world can do to make sure that the CHEAP FRIEND doesn't mooch off of you and anyone else ever again. Here are 5 things:

1) Call his ass out - tell him that you know his game and that shit ain't cool. If you want to stay homies he needs to come correct or that ass will get beat like Ike did Tina. Wait, what? 

2) Tell the bartender DO NOT SERVE HIM, HE HAS NO MONEY... Yeah, thats cold, but if he has to front a card or something to pay for his drinks then he will know the jig is up. If you see him buying drink on your tab, close your tab out and pay cash. When he has to tab he will know THE JIG IS UP. Let's be real though, that motherfucker won't put down a tab so he'll be sober. Now you know who your DD is for the night. 

3) If she shows up where you are, leave. If he finds you again he is a stalker. 

4) If he asks to float him on payday, find his ass on payday - and start keeping a tab for him. Make him start paying you back. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. 

5) Figure out of if the friendship is worth the money. If it is, either deal with it or put an end to the mooching. If it is not, then tell him to kick rocks. 

We ALL have gone through this shit. It's an epidemic that's either ruining friendships or breaking bank accounts. 

I'm still friends with my boy but the bottom line is, that motherfucker now knows better. It's cool if you want to ride the freeloading train for awhile. However, when that train comes to a stop, your ass better hop on another train or pay for your fair for the ride home. Ya feel me?

Now go in peace and make that bitch your bitch or something. 

J-Wunder