Facebook is the biggest Social Network in the goddamn galaxy. And if you were to ask a million people, "What do you like about Facebook?" A million people would probably say, "Reconnecting with friends and creating new ones." That's a no-brainer. Now asks those same million people, "What do you hate about Facebook?" Shit man, there would be a list. A fucking long one. Lucky for you, I'm here to share that long list. So grab your coffee, cocktail or line of cocaine, because J-Wunder is gonna break down 22 Types Of People We Hate On Facebook.
1) The Whiner: They bitch, they complain, about everything...and it's annoying as fuck. Everyday, every fucking hour, these people cry about something: "I broke a nail," "My tummy hurts," "I have to work overtime," "I've given up on love," blah, blah, blah. Here's a thought...SHUT THE FUCK UP! Your whining and complaining about every goddamn thing is fucking up my universe, even worse, my news feed. Hey "Pet Lover," I'm sorry your fucking cat squiggles ate rabbit shit and now has to go to the vet and you're now $500 out of pocket. And "Lover Boy," I'm sorry your ass can't keep a stable fucking relationship going. Did you ever think that women don't want to be with you because you sound like a little bitch sometimes?
I'm sorry people, I really am. But for fucks sake, do you really need to let the world know everything? Go fuck something so you can smile for once. Shit dude.
2) The Ailing: "My back hurts sooo bad today," "I have another headache," "I'm sick, AGAIN and I think I might die." I see these posts everyday from the same fucking people. Every.Fucking.Day. Guess what, motherfuckers? My back hurts too and I haven't taken a shit in three fucking days. Am I writing about it? Fuck no I'm not. How bout instead of talking about your ailments, you go see a fucking doctor. I mean, how the fuck are you sick every week? Do you have AIDS, motherfucker? You've been sick for a fucking year straight and you look like you're the goddamn walking dead. Oh, and the headaches...the daily fucking headaches. Here's a good solution: drink a nice warm glass of "shut the fuck up" because you're giving me a fucking headache now. Asshole.
3) Terry Tough Guy: These clowns are so big and bad. They post status updates like they're in a fight every fucking hour and are mad at the world. Then they get 20 comments from friends that try to act tough too, like some shit is about to go down, right there on Facebook. Drive-bys have now gone virtual.
Question...does your illiteracy make you tougher? Seriously. You look like a fucking idiot when you type a status with spelling errors and words that sound like a fucking baby's speaking. Just because you got in a fight in 6th grade doesn't make you big and bad, ass clown. Oh, and the 10 tats and tank tops don't make you buff either so enough with the chest puffing shots on your fucking profile pics.
4) The Hypocrite: "God is great," "Everyone praise God and be good to him without sin." That's right. I'm about to talk about these religious followers that preach his name. These hypocrites. You know, these people that put statuses up about how great the Lord and his Savior is, but then post something 10 minutes later how they're gonna get "fucked up tonight with my girls...whoooo hoooo!!! Maybe I'll get lucky with a hot guy!!!!" What the fuck is that about? You're gonna make it sound like you're this fucking saint because you posts some biblical shit twice a day and 10 minutes later, you're excited about getting trashed while taking mobile pics of you looking like a fucking slut? Please. I'm Catholic and I have no shame being one. But do you know the shit I would get from every single person if I posted Romans 1:17 on my status then posted an hour later, "Vegas baby! Time to get fucked up with the boys and see some strippers!!!!"? Exactly. Not only would my sorry ass burn at the fucking stake but I would be looked at as a poser. That's what these people are. Real talk. If you're gonna preach some shit and at the same time, act like a goddamn whore on FB, be prepared to get put on blast. Not by me, but by everyone around you. They might not say that shit to your face, but trust me, they're saying shit.
5) The App Lover: Two words: Fuck You. Farmville, Fuckville, Dickville, Pigville, Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself...whatever. Give it the fuck up people. Please. I will pay all you motherfuckers if you stop sending me request. I don't give a shit about your motherfucking crops. I hope they all die. I don't want to babysit your fucking virtual pig. I hope he dies too. What is it with you guys and these fucking games? Are you that bored? Get a job. If you have one, get a fucking second one. If you already have two jobs, then go jump off a fucking building because your work productivity at these places is very fucking low. If you don't want to jump off a building, then shoot yourself in the head. If you don't want to do that, then become a pimp or a prostitute. Go fuck something. Go suck something. Whatever it is, stop playing this shit. It ain't fucking real. It's a make believe fucking farm and you are being sucked into believing that this shit is real. Get a fucking life. Pllllleeeeaaaassssse!!!!!!!
6) The Check-in: Three words: Fuck You Too. This isn't a bash on those that don't abuse this application. This is a bash on you fucking slap dicks that check-in everywhere. "Todd has checked in at Subway." 10 minutes later..."Todd has checked in at AMC Theaters." 2 hours later..."Todd has checked in at Dr. Smith's Dental Office." 1 hour later..."Todd has checked in at the Union Square Hotel." Hey Todd, how bout I check my foot in your fucking ass. Dick. Why guys? Why do you like to fuck with the rest of us and check in everywhere? Everywhere! My thought is, if you ain't hanging out with me mother fucker, why the fuck do I care where you are? Do you want to feel that fucking important? Are you trying to get attention from a certain someone? Two things: 1) Check that phone up your ass, 2) I hope you get hit by a car on your way to checking in at the goddamn bus stop.
7) The Sexy Pic Taker: Why do teenagers, men and women do this? Why? I don't have this amazing body. Hell, I don't even have a fucking six pack...although I'd drink one to the dome. Men think they are fucking cool when they have 80 pics of them shirtless. A few pics, ok. 80, go fuck yourself buddy. You ain't that tight and you probably have a little dick. Maybe the girl that's sucking your cock thinks you are, but don't flatter yourself. Enough with the narcissism. Put on a shirt and ignore those friend request from those chicks in Junior High.
Ladies, what up with your broke ass modeling/bikini pics? You know who you are. I'm talking about you ladies that think you're gods gift to women. You're hot. Point taken. But like the shirtless slap dicks, don't flatter yourself. Unless you're a real model, the only fans you'll get are stalkers and dudes that look at your pics in the bathroom while jerking off in the fucking sink. A few are cool but when you put up, I don't know, say 100, we know what you want is attention. A lot of it.
8) The YouTuber: It’s because of you motherfuckers that I’m starting to hate YouTube now. Post after post, you can’t get enough can you? Everything from some song that reminded you of that “Bad ass time in Cabo,” to the cutest video of kittens playing with a German Sheppard, you people are ruining my goddamn life. A few videos – cool. 10 in a row? Go fuck yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of music you like. If I wanted to know that information, I would go to your fucking Info page. Don’t you have an IPod or Walkman? I get that MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore but you are taking this shit to a whole new level my friend. Simmer that shit down before someone gets a dead fucking rabbit on their doorstep.
9) The Liker: You share 362 Mutual Friends with the person I like to call “The Liker.” Out of those 362 friends you share, this person goes to each of those persons profile pages and “Likes” something. I'm not fucking joking. It doesn’t matter if they have no fucking clue what your mutual friend posts on their page, “The Liker” will hit that goddamn “Like” button. Your status could be “Yes, it was all worth it!” and sure enough, there’s that motherfucker, hitting that “Like” button again. Why is that bad you ask? Considering these two people haven’t spoken or seen each other since 3rd fucking grade and are both now 28, that shit is fucking borderline stalkerish. They have no fucking clue what someone’s status is about and they are hitting the “Like” button? Who does that? The better question to ask yourself is, who does that to every single friend they have on Facebook? Don't you have anything better to do with your fucking time? Jobs are nice. Go fucking get one. Jesus.
10) The Facebook Lifer: This kinda worked out, didn't it...we went from the piece of shit that "Likes" everything, to the motherfucker that "Likes" everything and more. Ladies and gents, The Facebook Lifer. Take everything you could possibly hate about Facebook and this is what you have. I'm talking about shit like Farmville, that bullshit "sending hugs" application, "Likes," comments, Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, YouTube clips...I mean, I could go on for fucking ever. The Facebook Lifer has no life. They sure as hell don't have a fucking job...I can tell you that much. People ask me, "J-Wunder, how the hell do you posts on your blog everyday?" You serious right now? Motherfucker, what you should be asking yourself is, "How have I sent out 18 different game requests, posted 10 video clips, changed my status update 13 times in a matter of 3 hours?" Don't worry about what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not the one with problems ass fuck. I get that people are addicted to Facebook but for crying out loud, when I look at my News Feed and notice for the entire first page what YOU did all day, that blows my goddamn mind. While the working class is trying to earn a dollar, you're there at home, butt ass naked, eating goddamn Cheetoh's, on your computer playing on goddamn Facebook again. All fucking day long!!!!! Do yourself a huge favor and go seek help. I'm sure your friends would not only appreciate this shit but they would probably all chip in $3 for the cause. Jack ass.
11) The Countdowner: I know people tend to get all excited about certain things. When we do, we sometimes post a countdown. For example, "10 more days til Vegas!!! Can't wait!" Or, "3 more days til surgery...gonna be in pain but having 34D's will be worth it." No big deal, right? For some shit like this, no big deal at all. But when you just got engaged, finally set your wedding date, and it is 365 days away, and you decide to post a countdown from that day on...we have a serious problem fucker. A tiny countdown - Cheers to that. A countdown, every day for a whole year - I HOPE YOU DIE. What the fuck would make these people do such a thing? "365 days til I'm married to the man of my dreams!!!" "364 days til I'm Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith." "363 days til I get to be with my one true love." Fuck bitch - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NEVER SPEAK OF YOUR WEDDING DAY AGAIN!!!!!! Congrats that you're getting hitched. But you know what, future Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith-Rosenthal-Cameron III? I hope your fiance fucks a prostitute and gets AIDS. Spare all of us the multiple Status Updates we could care less about. Half of us didn't even know you were getting married let alone who your goddamn fiance was. By the looks of it, he seems like a total slap dick. Good luck and seriously...shut the fuck up about the countdown to your special day. I hope you two get hit by a lightening bolt.
12) The Partier: You like to party, I like to party. But no one likes to party like the "Hardcore Partiers"!!! For some reason, these interesting group of characters love to posts shit on how much they LOVE to par-tay! Through status updates or even pictures. For that, I applaud you. I give you props for letting all of us friends here on Facebook know how much of a fucking whore bag you are before you even put that first drink in your mouth. Seriously...kudos to you. It's amazing to see you in every single picture at the club hanging out with other whores and douche bags that try to look like they are all about the Benjamins. I mean, table service at a club in Stockton is pretty big time if you ask me. It's not Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC, but it sure as hell a close second. Hey, was that a picture of you and P-Diddy at Stockton's famous Aurora Club? Oh, my bad...that was just a look-alike. Thanks for trying to fool us though you important party person you. Two thumbs up you fucking idiot.
13) The Newscaster: I watch the news. I read shit on-line. I'm pretty aware of what is going on in MY world and the shit I need to be concerned about. So why the fuck would I need you to post news coverage every goddamn hour? Are you Facebook's new on-line fucking news anchor, you broke ass Tom Brokaw? I don't give a shit about the cows in Russia. The cows I eat are from some goddamn ranch in California. Snow storm in New England? What the fuck does that have to do with me or the 100 Mutual Friends we have? The closest thing to a snow storm here, is that bum that's about to ejaculate on that European tourist standing 20 feet from me. Dude, quick ruining my day about shit no one cares about. I accepted your friend request, don't ruin a good thing.
14) Dr. Phil: Your ass got dumped via text message. It was a slap in the face and you hit rock bottom. Drinking, drugs, attempts of suicide...life sucked. 5 interventions, 10 stints of rehab...you finally made it through. Life is awesome. Now all of the sudden, you're a fucking goddamn expert on everthing. Just because you went through some shit, you think you have the solution to all your friends problems. A friend could post on their status that their dog died and your "professional" advice to them somehow relates to a time you ended up in jail because you were caught giving a blow job to some transient in an alley. It makes no fucking sense but you offer advice because you have "been through some shit." Well I've been through some shit too but you don't see me offering encouraging words on how I got through ACL surgery to a friend that just had a goddamn miscarriage. How the fuck can you try to offer insight on an experience you never went through you dumb fuck?! These clown have one life changing experience and all of the sudden they know everything. Man, for fuck's sake, go ride a bike and never get off it. Asshole.
15) Shakespeare: "To be or not to be, that is the question..." I hate these mother fuckers. I take that back. I hate these motherfuckers that do this shit daily. I'm talking about friends that post some famous quote a majority of them don't even know what it means. Why do they do that? Do they want to sound intellectual or something? News flash oh noble fuck faces: Trying to post some shit that someone wrote, doesn't dismiss the fact that you're still a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to do long division. Whatever the underlying reason is for you posting daily "words of wisdom," fuck off. This isn't 16th century literature and I'm not wearing a fucking feather in my cap. Oh, and for you people that "Like" these famous quotes, ask yourself two things: 1) Are you gay, 2) Where did your education level cap off at? Don't be as dumb as the next person. Seriously.
16) The Relationship-er: The person who dedicates their posts to the one they love. "Baby, you're the most incredible person on this earth...and the absolute love of my life."
Four words: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Insert a fifth: PLEASE.
Showing a little love once in a while is ok. But when you constantly need to posts some bullshit about how amazing your man or woman is, over and over and over again, shit needs to fucking stop. Like, immediately mother fucker. I have a grand idea, the time and effort that it just took your ass to write 480 characters on your status update, you should have been telling your man or woman this directly. Then proceed to perform oral sex, to let them know how fucking awesome they are and that you love them for eternity. For fuck's sake, stop trying to spread this shit like the goddamn gospel. What are you exactly trying to get from this? Jealousy from others? If you are, then you're a fucking dip shit. Every time your friends see this, they either:
1) Hope your amazing lover cheats on you.
2) They dump you because listening to you talk about this shit every day is killing them.
3) One of you dies very slowly. You would think others would be soooo happy for you, but they're not.
They are annoyed. Even more so that you're happy with a person they probably had sex with back in high school.
17) The Hypochondriac: The person who always talks about how they're dying of something. "This lump in my lymph node is getting so big - I must have cancer." If that's the case, I hope you fucking die because while you keep talking about it, the shit ain't gonna heal itself, asshole. This reminds me of "The Ailing" that I described in Part II of this series and to be quite honest, I'm not sure which one of you are more fucking annoying. You both can't shut the fuck up...ever. No one on Facebook that you know is a fucking doctor. You wanna know how I know? Because what fucking doctor has time to be on goddamn Facebook?!
We get that you have something and could possibly be dying, but I'm not Doogie fucking Houser and this ain't General Hospital. If you're shitting blood, I'm pretty sure you might be dying. Don't think for a goddamn second that some friend on FB is going to call 911 for you. If you can describe in detail what might be wrong with you, go see your doctor, dick fuck. The friends that respond to your posts with magical "remedies" are dumb asses. They probably have a education level of Continuation High School and a semester of Junior College. Just because they took human anatomy doesn't mean they can perform open heart fucking surgery. If this portion of my tirade has offended anybody, two words...<insert here="">.
18) The Give-me-attention-er: The person who always posts about how something is wrong in their life, "OMG, I'm praying to God it's not what the Doctor's are thinking it is." - and make 400 people ask them what's wrong, and then never answer. Why do you motherfuckers always do this? Leave everyone on the edge of their seat so you can rack up 45 comments and not answer one of them. And what about people that "Like" these statuses? Hey fuck face, do you know what the hell you are even "liking"? What am I saying, you bastards "like" everything, even if someone announces they are dying. Anyway, everything you posts is always open-ended. It's like you are trying to give us fucking riddles to a goddamn treasure of fucking gold or something. Why? Why leave the world hanging asshole? Do you realize when you posts shit like this, everyone starts sending you positive quotes, prayers and their own life experiences? All of which have no connection to when you finally get the news that what you have is a yeast infection. Yeah, your vagina is basically tainted with the shit that makes bread rise. Congrats.
19) The Bad Grammarian: "So sad about Leslie nielson dieing but im so happyy its friday yippe". Yes, I realize punctuation rules are a bit different in the digital world, but you sound like an ass clown. (Side note: Is this too controversial given half my family and friends are guilty of this??) Sure it is, but you know what? I don't give a shit. My job is not to play favorites. My job is to speak the truth. And that truth is that motherfuckers need to learn how to spell and sound educated. If you had 900 friends on Facebook, I can almost bet that 200 spell like a goddamn 3rd grader. They make absolutely no fucking sense and start creating words that basically tell society they are either 1) Fucking retarded or 2) Legally blind.
If you want to shortcut words, do that shit in a goddamn text message. Why do you need to sound like a person with a lisp every goddamn status post you write? 480 characters isn't long enough for you? Here's a solution for ya...One word: Email. Reading your status updates give me a fucking headache and I feel like I'm reading Japanese for fuck's sake. Either correct your fucking grammatical errors or hire a damn tutor to help your ass spell. kn u dg iiiiiiittttt?! (See what the fuck does this even say?)
20) The TMI-er: "Heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Wait what? Do boundaries not exist here? You're unabashedly offering up details that make others want to gouge their eyes out. Thanks for sharing, fucker. I don't care if it's as simple as buying foot creme for your athlete's foot, some of you people need to realize that the shit you post is over the top, disgusting and you should get your ass kicked for it.
Don't try to reason that what you're posting is "part of life" or that "you just don't give a fuck". You know why three people posts on your FB page only? Because they are as fucked up as you are. I may be talking about some personal shit but that's why I have a blog. For the love of God, ain't no one trying to hear some shit about the things going on with your asshole right now. Whatever you got on your mouth, I'm sure you'll be ok. No need to convince the world that you really don't have herpes. Do you think anyone would have assumed anything if you hadn't posted a goddamn mobile pic and posted a whole paragraph about it? No, fucker. You could have moved on with your life, and experienced those herpes by yourself. Now, every time I see you, I have to examine your lip and make sure whatever you're drinking, I don't mistake it for my drink. I really hope we never crossed paths with the same girl.
Your TMI posts make me second guess our friendship and quite frankly, your sanity.
21) The Play-by-Player: These awesome individuals need to tell the Facebook world every fucking detail of their life. You know what I'm talking about too folks..."Heading to the airport, about to start my vacay!" "At security...this sucks." "Got 2 hours to kill, time for a drink." This shit goes on for hours on end. You bastards are as bad as those mother fuckers that "check-in" EVERYWHERE. Look, just because you may think you're busy, doesn't mean you have to let all of your goddamn friends know. Why don't you just mount a fucking web cam to your chest so we can get a fucking visual too. I like you, but I ain't trying to get a "day in the life" with your ass. It's bad enough when I see you, you relive what the fuck I read on my News Feed over again. Find a hobby or make a new fucking friend. I'll help you if I have to. Please just stop with all the daily bullshit. I'm not just speaking for myself, I'm speaking for the 100 other friends that really fucking hate your ass right now. Oh, and you think that it's funny that you do this daily, it's not. It's fucking annoying and if you keep this shit up, mother fuckers are gonna start throwing shit at your car. Asshole.
22) The Special Characters Post-er: These people are my favorite. You wanna know why? Because for some really odd fucking reason, every other day they think posting some shit made out of lines, arrows and other fucking characters is cute. Amuse me people...how long did that fucking shit really take you to type out? Seriously. I know you type 120wpm but for fuck's sake, what drives you to do this? Are you that bored that you have to dedicate that much time to your status updates? Half that shit I see makes no sense any way. Sure, you may think the 40 minutes you spent on your status update looks like an awesome house with a heart in the middle. But to me, it looks like someone just took a shit on my computer screen. Please make better use of your time. I don't want to add you in that same category as those people that are obsessed with Farmville and those other fucked up games. I know you've gotten laid before. Go find something to play with because this shit is not as cool as you think. If you think you're so goddamn creative, draw me the Mona Lisa on an Etch-A-Sketch, motherfucker. Seriously...stop with the character post bullshit. It gives me a goddamn headache just thinking about it.
1) The Whiner: They bitch, they complain, about everything...and it's annoying as fuck. Everyday, every fucking hour, these people cry about something: "I broke a nail," "My tummy hurts," "I have to work overtime," "I've given up on love," blah, blah, blah. Here's a thought...SHUT THE FUCK UP! Your whining and complaining about every goddamn thing is fucking up my universe, even worse, my news feed. Hey "Pet Lover," I'm sorry your fucking cat squiggles ate rabbit shit and now has to go to the vet and you're now $500 out of pocket. And "Lover Boy," I'm sorry your ass can't keep a stable fucking relationship going. Did you ever think that women don't want to be with you because you sound like a little bitch sometimes?
I'm sorry people, I really am. But for fucks sake, do you really need to let the world know everything? Go fuck something so you can smile for once. Shit dude.
2) The Ailing: "My back hurts sooo bad today," "I have another headache," "I'm sick, AGAIN and I think I might die." I see these posts everyday from the same fucking people. Every.Fucking.Day. Guess what, motherfuckers? My back hurts too and I haven't taken a shit in three fucking days. Am I writing about it? Fuck no I'm not. How bout instead of talking about your ailments, you go see a fucking doctor. I mean, how the fuck are you sick every week? Do you have AIDS, motherfucker? You've been sick for a fucking year straight and you look like you're the goddamn walking dead. Oh, and the headaches...the daily fucking headaches. Here's a good solution: drink a nice warm glass of "shut the fuck up" because you're giving me a fucking headache now. Asshole.
3) Terry Tough Guy: These clowns are so big and bad. They post status updates like they're in a fight every fucking hour and are mad at the world. Then they get 20 comments from friends that try to act tough too, like some shit is about to go down, right there on Facebook. Drive-bys have now gone virtual.
Question...does your illiteracy make you tougher? Seriously. You look like a fucking idiot when you type a status with spelling errors and words that sound like a fucking baby's speaking. Just because you got in a fight in 6th grade doesn't make you big and bad, ass clown. Oh, and the 10 tats and tank tops don't make you buff either so enough with the chest puffing shots on your fucking profile pics.
4) The Hypocrite: "God is great," "Everyone praise God and be good to him without sin." That's right. I'm about to talk about these religious followers that preach his name. These hypocrites. You know, these people that put statuses up about how great the Lord and his Savior is, but then post something 10 minutes later how they're gonna get "fucked up tonight with my girls...whoooo hoooo!!! Maybe I'll get lucky with a hot guy!!!!" What the fuck is that about? You're gonna make it sound like you're this fucking saint because you posts some biblical shit twice a day and 10 minutes later, you're excited about getting trashed while taking mobile pics of you looking like a fucking slut? Please. I'm Catholic and I have no shame being one. But do you know the shit I would get from every single person if I posted Romans 1:17 on my status then posted an hour later, "Vegas baby! Time to get fucked up with the boys and see some strippers!!!!"? Exactly. Not only would my sorry ass burn at the fucking stake but I would be looked at as a poser. That's what these people are. Real talk. If you're gonna preach some shit and at the same time, act like a goddamn whore on FB, be prepared to get put on blast. Not by me, but by everyone around you. They might not say that shit to your face, but trust me, they're saying shit.
5) The App Lover: Two words: Fuck You. Farmville, Fuckville, Dickville, Pigville, Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself...whatever. Give it the fuck up people. Please. I will pay all you motherfuckers if you stop sending me request. I don't give a shit about your motherfucking crops. I hope they all die. I don't want to babysit your fucking virtual pig. I hope he dies too. What is it with you guys and these fucking games? Are you that bored? Get a job. If you have one, get a fucking second one. If you already have two jobs, then go jump off a fucking building because your work productivity at these places is very fucking low. If you don't want to jump off a building, then shoot yourself in the head. If you don't want to do that, then become a pimp or a prostitute. Go fuck something. Go suck something. Whatever it is, stop playing this shit. It ain't fucking real. It's a make believe fucking farm and you are being sucked into believing that this shit is real. Get a fucking life. Pllllleeeeaaaassssse!!!!!!!
6) The Check-in: Three words: Fuck You Too. This isn't a bash on those that don't abuse this application. This is a bash on you fucking slap dicks that check-in everywhere. "Todd has checked in at Subway." 10 minutes later..."Todd has checked in at AMC Theaters." 2 hours later..."Todd has checked in at Dr. Smith's Dental Office." 1 hour later..."Todd has checked in at the Union Square Hotel." Hey Todd, how bout I check my foot in your fucking ass. Dick. Why guys? Why do you like to fuck with the rest of us and check in everywhere? Everywhere! My thought is, if you ain't hanging out with me mother fucker, why the fuck do I care where you are? Do you want to feel that fucking important? Are you trying to get attention from a certain someone? Two things: 1) Check that phone up your ass, 2) I hope you get hit by a car on your way to checking in at the goddamn bus stop.
7) The Sexy Pic Taker: Why do teenagers, men and women do this? Why? I don't have this amazing body. Hell, I don't even have a fucking six pack...although I'd drink one to the dome. Men think they are fucking cool when they have 80 pics of them shirtless. A few pics, ok. 80, go fuck yourself buddy. You ain't that tight and you probably have a little dick. Maybe the girl that's sucking your cock thinks you are, but don't flatter yourself. Enough with the narcissism. Put on a shirt and ignore those friend request from those chicks in Junior High.
Ladies, what up with your broke ass modeling/bikini pics? You know who you are. I'm talking about you ladies that think you're gods gift to women. You're hot. Point taken. But like the shirtless slap dicks, don't flatter yourself. Unless you're a real model, the only fans you'll get are stalkers and dudes that look at your pics in the bathroom while jerking off in the fucking sink. A few are cool but when you put up, I don't know, say 100, we know what you want is attention. A lot of it.
8) The YouTuber: It’s because of you motherfuckers that I’m starting to hate YouTube now. Post after post, you can’t get enough can you? Everything from some song that reminded you of that “Bad ass time in Cabo,” to the cutest video of kittens playing with a German Sheppard, you people are ruining my goddamn life. A few videos – cool. 10 in a row? Go fuck yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of music you like. If I wanted to know that information, I would go to your fucking Info page. Don’t you have an IPod or Walkman? I get that MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore but you are taking this shit to a whole new level my friend. Simmer that shit down before someone gets a dead fucking rabbit on their doorstep.
9) The Liker: You share 362 Mutual Friends with the person I like to call “The Liker.” Out of those 362 friends you share, this person goes to each of those persons profile pages and “Likes” something. I'm not fucking joking. It doesn’t matter if they have no fucking clue what your mutual friend posts on their page, “The Liker” will hit that goddamn “Like” button. Your status could be “Yes, it was all worth it!” and sure enough, there’s that motherfucker, hitting that “Like” button again. Why is that bad you ask? Considering these two people haven’t spoken or seen each other since 3rd fucking grade and are both now 28, that shit is fucking borderline stalkerish. They have no fucking clue what someone’s status is about and they are hitting the “Like” button? Who does that? The better question to ask yourself is, who does that to every single friend they have on Facebook? Don't you have anything better to do with your fucking time? Jobs are nice. Go fucking get one. Jesus.
10) The Facebook Lifer: This kinda worked out, didn't it...we went from the piece of shit that "Likes" everything, to the motherfucker that "Likes" everything and more. Ladies and gents, The Facebook Lifer. Take everything you could possibly hate about Facebook and this is what you have. I'm talking about shit like Farmville, that bullshit "sending hugs" application, "Likes," comments, Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, YouTube clips...I mean, I could go on for fucking ever. The Facebook Lifer has no life. They sure as hell don't have a fucking job...I can tell you that much. People ask me, "J-Wunder, how the hell do you posts on your blog everyday?" You serious right now? Motherfucker, what you should be asking yourself is, "How have I sent out 18 different game requests, posted 10 video clips, changed my status update 13 times in a matter of 3 hours?" Don't worry about what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not the one with problems ass fuck. I get that people are addicted to Facebook but for crying out loud, when I look at my News Feed and notice for the entire first page what YOU did all day, that blows my goddamn mind. While the working class is trying to earn a dollar, you're there at home, butt ass naked, eating goddamn Cheetoh's, on your computer playing on goddamn Facebook again. All fucking day long!!!!! Do yourself a huge favor and go seek help. I'm sure your friends would not only appreciate this shit but they would probably all chip in $3 for the cause. Jack ass.
11) The Countdowner: I know people tend to get all excited about certain things. When we do, we sometimes post a countdown. For example, "10 more days til Vegas!!! Can't wait!" Or, "3 more days til surgery...gonna be in pain but having 34D's will be worth it." No big deal, right? For some shit like this, no big deal at all. But when you just got engaged, finally set your wedding date, and it is 365 days away, and you decide to post a countdown from that day on...we have a serious problem fucker. A tiny countdown - Cheers to that. A countdown, every day for a whole year - I HOPE YOU DIE. What the fuck would make these people do such a thing? "365 days til I'm married to the man of my dreams!!!" "364 days til I'm Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith." "363 days til I get to be with my one true love." Fuck bitch - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NEVER SPEAK OF YOUR WEDDING DAY AGAIN!!!!!! Congrats that you're getting hitched. But you know what, future Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith-Rosenthal-Cameron III? I hope your fiance fucks a prostitute and gets AIDS. Spare all of us the multiple Status Updates we could care less about. Half of us didn't even know you were getting married let alone who your goddamn fiance was. By the looks of it, he seems like a total slap dick. Good luck and seriously...shut the fuck up about the countdown to your special day. I hope you two get hit by a lightening bolt.
12) The Partier: You like to party, I like to party. But no one likes to party like the "Hardcore Partiers"!!! For some reason, these interesting group of characters love to posts shit on how much they LOVE to par-tay! Through status updates or even pictures. For that, I applaud you. I give you props for letting all of us friends here on Facebook know how much of a fucking whore bag you are before you even put that first drink in your mouth. Seriously...kudos to you. It's amazing to see you in every single picture at the club hanging out with other whores and douche bags that try to look like they are all about the Benjamins. I mean, table service at a club in Stockton is pretty big time if you ask me. It's not Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC, but it sure as hell a close second. Hey, was that a picture of you and P-Diddy at Stockton's famous Aurora Club? Oh, my bad...that was just a look-alike. Thanks for trying to fool us though you important party person you. Two thumbs up you fucking idiot.
13) The Newscaster: I watch the news. I read shit on-line. I'm pretty aware of what is going on in MY world and the shit I need to be concerned about. So why the fuck would I need you to post news coverage every goddamn hour? Are you Facebook's new on-line fucking news anchor, you broke ass Tom Brokaw? I don't give a shit about the cows in Russia. The cows I eat are from some goddamn ranch in California. Snow storm in New England? What the fuck does that have to do with me or the 100 Mutual Friends we have? The closest thing to a snow storm here, is that bum that's about to ejaculate on that European tourist standing 20 feet from me. Dude, quick ruining my day about shit no one cares about. I accepted your friend request, don't ruin a good thing.
14) Dr. Phil: Your ass got dumped via text message. It was a slap in the face and you hit rock bottom. Drinking, drugs, attempts of suicide...life sucked. 5 interventions, 10 stints of rehab...you finally made it through. Life is awesome. Now all of the sudden, you're a fucking goddamn expert on everthing. Just because you went through some shit, you think you have the solution to all your friends problems. A friend could post on their status that their dog died and your "professional" advice to them somehow relates to a time you ended up in jail because you were caught giving a blow job to some transient in an alley. It makes no fucking sense but you offer advice because you have "been through some shit." Well I've been through some shit too but you don't see me offering encouraging words on how I got through ACL surgery to a friend that just had a goddamn miscarriage. How the fuck can you try to offer insight on an experience you never went through you dumb fuck?! These clown have one life changing experience and all of the sudden they know everything. Man, for fuck's sake, go ride a bike and never get off it. Asshole.
15) Shakespeare: "To be or not to be, that is the question..." I hate these mother fuckers. I take that back. I hate these motherfuckers that do this shit daily. I'm talking about friends that post some famous quote a majority of them don't even know what it means. Why do they do that? Do they want to sound intellectual or something? News flash oh noble fuck faces: Trying to post some shit that someone wrote, doesn't dismiss the fact that you're still a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to do long division. Whatever the underlying reason is for you posting daily "words of wisdom," fuck off. This isn't 16th century literature and I'm not wearing a fucking feather in my cap. Oh, and for you people that "Like" these famous quotes, ask yourself two things: 1) Are you gay, 2) Where did your education level cap off at? Don't be as dumb as the next person. Seriously.
16) The Relationship-er: The person who dedicates their posts to the one they love. "Baby, you're the most incredible person on this earth...and the absolute love of my life."
Four words: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Insert a fifth: PLEASE.
Showing a little love once in a while is ok. But when you constantly need to posts some bullshit about how amazing your man or woman is, over and over and over again, shit needs to fucking stop. Like, immediately mother fucker. I have a grand idea, the time and effort that it just took your ass to write 480 characters on your status update, you should have been telling your man or woman this directly. Then proceed to perform oral sex, to let them know how fucking awesome they are and that you love them for eternity. For fuck's sake, stop trying to spread this shit like the goddamn gospel. What are you exactly trying to get from this? Jealousy from others? If you are, then you're a fucking dip shit. Every time your friends see this, they either:
1) Hope your amazing lover cheats on you.
2) They dump you because listening to you talk about this shit every day is killing them.
3) One of you dies very slowly. You would think others would be soooo happy for you, but they're not.
They are annoyed. Even more so that you're happy with a person they probably had sex with back in high school.
17) The Hypochondriac: The person who always talks about how they're dying of something. "This lump in my lymph node is getting so big - I must have cancer." If that's the case, I hope you fucking die because while you keep talking about it, the shit ain't gonna heal itself, asshole. This reminds me of "The Ailing" that I described in Part II of this series and to be quite honest, I'm not sure which one of you are more fucking annoying. You both can't shut the fuck up...ever. No one on Facebook that you know is a fucking doctor. You wanna know how I know? Because what fucking doctor has time to be on goddamn Facebook?!
We get that you have something and could possibly be dying, but I'm not Doogie fucking Houser and this ain't General Hospital. If you're shitting blood, I'm pretty sure you might be dying. Don't think for a goddamn second that some friend on FB is going to call 911 for you. If you can describe in detail what might be wrong with you, go see your doctor, dick fuck. The friends that respond to your posts with magical "remedies" are dumb asses. They probably have a education level of Continuation High School and a semester of Junior College. Just because they took human anatomy doesn't mean they can perform open heart fucking surgery. If this portion of my tirade has offended anybody, two words...<insert here="">.
18) The Give-me-attention-er: The person who always posts about how something is wrong in their life, "OMG, I'm praying to God it's not what the Doctor's are thinking it is." - and make 400 people ask them what's wrong, and then never answer. Why do you motherfuckers always do this? Leave everyone on the edge of their seat so you can rack up 45 comments and not answer one of them. And what about people that "Like" these statuses? Hey fuck face, do you know what the hell you are even "liking"? What am I saying, you bastards "like" everything, even if someone announces they are dying. Anyway, everything you posts is always open-ended. It's like you are trying to give us fucking riddles to a goddamn treasure of fucking gold or something. Why? Why leave the world hanging asshole? Do you realize when you posts shit like this, everyone starts sending you positive quotes, prayers and their own life experiences? All of which have no connection to when you finally get the news that what you have is a yeast infection. Yeah, your vagina is basically tainted with the shit that makes bread rise. Congrats.
19) The Bad Grammarian: "So sad about Leslie nielson dieing but im so happyy its friday yippe". Yes, I realize punctuation rules are a bit different in the digital world, but you sound like an ass clown. (Side note: Is this too controversial given half my family and friends are guilty of this??) Sure it is, but you know what? I don't give a shit. My job is not to play favorites. My job is to speak the truth. And that truth is that motherfuckers need to learn how to spell and sound educated. If you had 900 friends on Facebook, I can almost bet that 200 spell like a goddamn 3rd grader. They make absolutely no fucking sense and start creating words that basically tell society they are either 1) Fucking retarded or 2) Legally blind.
If you want to shortcut words, do that shit in a goddamn text message. Why do you need to sound like a person with a lisp every goddamn status post you write? 480 characters isn't long enough for you? Here's a solution for ya...One word: Email. Reading your status updates give me a fucking headache and I feel like I'm reading Japanese for fuck's sake. Either correct your fucking grammatical errors or hire a damn tutor to help your ass spell. kn u dg iiiiiiittttt?! (See what the fuck does this even say?)
20) The TMI-er: "Heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Wait what? Do boundaries not exist here? You're unabashedly offering up details that make others want to gouge their eyes out. Thanks for sharing, fucker. I don't care if it's as simple as buying foot creme for your athlete's foot, some of you people need to realize that the shit you post is over the top, disgusting and you should get your ass kicked for it.
Don't try to reason that what you're posting is "part of life" or that "you just don't give a fuck". You know why three people posts on your FB page only? Because they are as fucked up as you are. I may be talking about some personal shit but that's why I have a blog. For the love of God, ain't no one trying to hear some shit about the things going on with your asshole right now. Whatever you got on your mouth, I'm sure you'll be ok. No need to convince the world that you really don't have herpes. Do you think anyone would have assumed anything if you hadn't posted a goddamn mobile pic and posted a whole paragraph about it? No, fucker. You could have moved on with your life, and experienced those herpes by yourself. Now, every time I see you, I have to examine your lip and make sure whatever you're drinking, I don't mistake it for my drink. I really hope we never crossed paths with the same girl.
Your TMI posts make me second guess our friendship and quite frankly, your sanity.
21) The Play-by-Player: These awesome individuals need to tell the Facebook world every fucking detail of their life. You know what I'm talking about too folks..."Heading to the airport, about to start my vacay!" "At security...this sucks." "Got 2 hours to kill, time for a drink." This shit goes on for hours on end. You bastards are as bad as those mother fuckers that "check-in" EVERYWHERE. Look, just because you may think you're busy, doesn't mean you have to let all of your goddamn friends know. Why don't you just mount a fucking web cam to your chest so we can get a fucking visual too. I like you, but I ain't trying to get a "day in the life" with your ass. It's bad enough when I see you, you relive what the fuck I read on my News Feed over again. Find a hobby or make a new fucking friend. I'll help you if I have to. Please just stop with all the daily bullshit. I'm not just speaking for myself, I'm speaking for the 100 other friends that really fucking hate your ass right now. Oh, and you think that it's funny that you do this daily, it's not. It's fucking annoying and if you keep this shit up, mother fuckers are gonna start throwing shit at your car. Asshole.
22) The Special Characters Post-er: These people are my favorite. You wanna know why? Because for some really odd fucking reason, every other day they think posting some shit made out of lines, arrows and other fucking characters is cute. Amuse me people...how long did that fucking shit really take you to type out? Seriously. I know you type 120wpm but for fuck's sake, what drives you to do this? Are you that bored that you have to dedicate that much time to your status updates? Half that shit I see makes no sense any way. Sure, you may think the 40 minutes you spent on your status update looks like an awesome house with a heart in the middle. But to me, it looks like someone just took a shit on my computer screen. Please make better use of your time. I don't want to add you in that same category as those people that are obsessed with Farmville and those other fucked up games. I know you've gotten laid before. Go find something to play with because this shit is not as cool as you think. If you think you're so goddamn creative, draw me the Mona Lisa on an Etch-A-Sketch, motherfucker. Seriously...stop with the character post bullshit. It gives me a goddamn headache just thinking about it.
So there it is in black and white. 22 types of people we hate on FB that every angry and annoyed fucking Facebooker can add to their list.
I wish I was blowing smoke up my ass when I wrote this, but the reality is, there are motherfuckers like this. Every single Facebooker has one of these types of friends...guaranteed!!!
21 comments:
Hahahaha!!! I'm dying, tears rolling. You have to be the funniest person ever. All these individuals described need to take a long walk off a short pier.
Funny shit! Love it... but you forgot the one shit that annoys me the most: peeps that post pics of got damn fucking food... fuck them
You sound like the whiner yourself. Which also would make you the hypocrite, I suppose. Easy solution, delete the people who do this, or turn off the notifications for their profiles. Now you don't have to bitch about a newsfeed filled with things you don't want, and you would have saved the time writing all these stupid shit. That apparently only appears to be comical because of the abundance of swearing. Fuck.
^^^ as you whine and bitch, he still got you to read it. FUCKTARD. SMH.
^^ Guy complaining "all these stupid shit" lol. I are has gud grammer.
Someone doesn't understand the concept of a blog for entertainment and amusement... douche bag. Anyway, good shit J!
Negative Anonymous hypocrite poster number one...go kill yourself, please...Keep it real J-wun, this shit is funny! I don't care who you are!
And there's always "The Psycho Multiple Personality". You post something and they get all upset or start getting psycho about your post with something that is completely different and has absolutely nothing to do with what you just posted. Like your post somehow just set off a muthafuckin' bomb in their head and they go off on some tangent that is completely unrelated to anything your post is about. WTF is up with those idiots!? Can never understand them nor figure out what the hell your post has to do with any of their unrelated BS comments that sent them into left field. Crazy.
Check and. Mate. Hah!
Vankfndgndjjbghennsmbd
My keyboard wen crazy
Its called freedom of speech dumb ass, people have the right to say whatever they want on the internet... do you have something against freedom? communist bastard. Your quite the hypocrite as well my friend.
U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO? U MAD BRO?
seriously hate the relationship-er the most. half my friends either have a bf/gf or married and talk bout how they luv'em every fuckin second. Making us single people feel bad wishing we had the same thing. I have no problem with the bad grammar. What really annoys the fuck outta me r the people that fuckin go on every picture, status, and every other part of Facebook being a grammar nazi. We know it's You're and not Ur. We know it's young and not yung. It's not against the law 2 type words incorrectly. Geez. Might as well fuckin report us cuz of honest typo mistakes. Also the world is falling on hard times, and we can't blurt r hearts out? Plus, I don't call it whining when u have it hard and do everything by the book while slackers and corner cutters r getting every thing handed 2 them. It's called ranting. Whining is giving up easily when u haven't even tried the other options and/or bitching cuz your phone is broken while 3rd world country teens don't even have the same stuff we have. Whining is not getting everything u wanted 4 Christmas when you got 2 or 3 out of the 100 useless things that won't matter next year cuz the new model comes out in 3-6 months.
This comment, right here.
Too funny! I couldn't stop laughing
You forgot about all the baby posters. Never mind that if I were a pedofile I could hunt your kid down without problems. Let's all look at Olivia j Parker's new outfit as she heads to Jackson elementary for her first day of kindergarten. Yikes mom, are you wanting someone to take her?
Funniest, most accurate shit I've read all week.
You're kidding, right? Please be joking. You're the type to go to the people of Walmart's page and scold everybody for laughing at the fast ass on the scooter with a skid mark up to his shoulders. How about you follow your own half thought out advice and get off of his blog. Nobody asked your fucking opinion, so shove it back down your throat. You must be one of the types he mentioned. Would explain why you're so butthurt.
To put it nicely, take your douchebaggery elsewhere. Nobody... NNNOOOBODY who reads his blog has the patience for pussy that doesn't get them off. Fuck.
HAHA THis bitch Sarah got some metal issues
You left out the vaguebooker!! They post shit on a nearly daily basis like this:
"I give up"
"Really?"
"Thinking something has got to give"
"I guess one day I will get it right."
"It's gonna be a long night."
"So in need of a vacation"
"One day I swear"
"F'ING PISSEDDDD!!!!"
"Nothing like being alone all day"
"I'm done"
"Why did I bother getting out of bed?"
"Screw this"
These are real FB posts from a RL friend. And in none of these does my friend follow up with any explanation whatsoever.
I guess it could fall under the lines of the attention seeker, but vaguebooking is something my friends and I have seen too often to not be its own thing!
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