What To Tell Your Wife When...

So you've struck up an extra-marital, sexual relationship with a coworker. Congratulations! Unfortunately, initiating the office sex to compensate for whatever disappointment you're feeling over how your life turned out was the easy part. It's time for the coworker you're sleeping with to start calling your house at all hours, and your wife's going to want some answers. Here's how to explain every type of call she might intercept from the coworker you're cheating on her with.

If the coworker you're cheating on your wife with calls during dinner and hangs up:

"Must be one of those telemarketers calling from another time-zone, not realizing they're interrupting dinner, then when she suddenly remembers she feels bad and hangs up just as you're answering."


If she calls in the middle of the night and says she's parked outside your house and you have to come out and talk to her or she'll come to your door and tell your wife everything:

"That was a new Amber Alert service that calls you and plays a recording that describes the make and model of the car that the suspected kidnapper is driving. I think I see a car that looks like the car they described parked outside. I'm going to go check it out, and if there's someone in the car I'm going to get in and talk to them to find out what they're doing here."


If she calls and screams "Just let him go! He's mine! He doesn't love you anymore! This is Janet, your husband's coworker at Pendleton Technologies Inc, and we've been sleeping together for months because he doesn't love you anymore! Can't you see that? He doesn't love you anymore! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!"

"Sounds like a crank call to me. Must've Googled that stuff about where I work and who my coworkers are, and they probably can find out with a quick search how long we've been married to see if we might be at the point when the spark goes out for most couples, just to make the premise of the call more believable. Heh. Kids. "


If she calls and just sobs into the phone, no matter how many times your wife demands to know who is calling, the coworker you're cheating on her with just won't stop crying:

"Must be a phone ghost. I read about that. Ghosts that are trying to pass over to the next world get trapped in the phone lines and all they can do is call people and sob about all the things they regret not doing when they were alive, all the things they never got around to saying to the people they loved. Yeah, sounds like a phone ghost."


If she calls and just breathes into the phone, listening to your wife ask "Is anyone there?" over and over again. All she does is breathe:

"Phone ghost again. Really just changes everything you assumed about death and the existence of the soul, right honey? I mean, how can we go on denying that there's more to us than just our physical being when these phone ghosts keep calling us all the time. Wanna pray?"


If she calls and tells your wife to meet her that night at a diner so she can show her photos of you and her having sex:

"Um, sure honey, go meet the phone ghost. Are you crazy?! It's just trying to feed you a story you can't resist to get you to join it at the portal to purgatory, which must be at that diner, so it can pull you over to the other side in exchange for getting its corporeal body back. That's the only way phone ghosts can return to the living world. They have to steal someone from the living to take their places. I'm sorry, but I love you, and I don't want to lose you yet. So I forbid you to meet the phone ghost."


If she sneakily dials your wife on her cell phone with her free hand while you're having sex with her on the copier, allowing your wife to hear what is clearly your voice shouting ecstatically during an extra-marital office orgasm:

"Honey, I never wanted you to find out about this. I wanted to protect you. I was only thinking about you, is why I kept this from you. I was worried about you, so I invited the phone ghost to possess my body. Turns out, the phone ghost had something it needed to resolve before it would be allowed to pass on to the afterlife, and resolving that thing required that it have sex with my coworker Janet, using my body. I must have butt-dialed you during. You have to believe me that I was just so worried that the phone ghost was going to lure you to meet it with one of its stories. That's why I agreed to the possession. So you know, I don't feel anything when the phone ghost has sex through me, so it doesn't count as cheating when my body has sex with Janet. It says it has to have sex with Janet only a bunch more times before it can pass on.

Either that or it was another crank call. Heh. Kids, right?"

via - Happy Place