Advice Column: B. Reyn Dead

Yo Big Time Mr. Author,

Do you still have time for the little people? No seriously congrats on the success! Will your fame stop you from giving me the answers I need?

How the hell did I go from Mormon Boy Scout in the hood to 2 baby mamas and a wife with 3 more kids? Yes I love the pussy it's obvious and my 1200 a month in child support reminds me. Not bitching I want them taken care of so its worth it.

Now my vicious ex is causing drama making my oldest kid hate me because they just found out about child baby mama number 2. Instead of contacting me she got on Facebook chat with my daughter contacting non-vicious baby mama number two. Now my oldest wont talk to me which I know is what teens do. Shit I did it to my parents we all did. My wife is not happy about all the baby mama traffic and I don't know what vicious baby mama is up to. I thought we were at peace.

WTF, I feel like I may see if I can hook my son up with a vasectomy like when they pierce a girls ears when there young. Save him the headache of this drama! I know it's when keeping it real goes wrong. I don't need the wrap your dick speech I need the what to do once your deep in the mess speech. I'm working on getting rich but I need sanity at the moment.

Thank you Ghetto Genius your my only hope!

B.Reyn

Dear Insane in the B.Reyn,

Mr. Big Time Author does not, in fact, have time for your trifling ass tale of woe. Since I have been in semi-retirement while my boy’s book blows up, lest I be called a dick-rider (and we all know the only dick I ride is behind closed doors, not to get a slice of someone else’s pie), I am going to kick the cobwebs off my brain and give you some truth that you so desperately fucking need. And don’t worry your simple little brain. I am not going to give you the "wrap your wang before you do yo thang" PSA, either. I don’t think that you are really looking for common sense advice, but more of a fist bump and a "you got this, yo! Bitches be cray." Unfortunately, today is not your fucking day, B.

How-the-fuck-ever, you asked how you went from, "Mormon Boy Scout in the hood to 2 baby mamas and a wife with 3 more kids?" ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? No, you are not actually retarded, because as I have said before to others just like you, that is an insult to retards. You are a special breed of stupid. The procreating kind. You are fucking dumb chicks, making babies with them, and then wondering why fucked up shit keeps happening to you. Putting a condom on your dick before you played Captain Stabbing with these tricks would have be the tip of the iceberg on the Titanic sized stupidity that you rock on the regular.

You said you don’t mind paying the child support because you want your kids taken care of. Here’s a little newsflash, fuck-stick. Any dickwad with a bank account, EBT card, or any other forms of paying people for goods and services can spread a little money around and "take care" of something. But let’s take a step back. You said care, as if you did. You don’t, or else you would have put in there something about how even though you are with a new baby momma and got some other future strippers and sociopaths with her, you still love and spend time with eldest deviant. But you didn’t. You put a dollar sign on your affection faster than I can put a grilled cheese in a stripper’s g-string.

The long and the short of your fucked up situation is that you need to get some accountability. And I don’t mean by throwing some cash on the problem and hoping it goes away. First and foremost, you lied to your kid and that is fucking with their teenage, hormone addled brain. No one likes to be lied to, DUH, but it is harder on kids because they now know that their parent is a giant fucking douche who forgot to fucking mention the fact that they have a SIBLING. Like another human that shares their DNA. That is fucking traumatic shit, slap dick.

　

And you wonder why your one baby momma is being a psycho? That’s on you, again. She is "vicious," as you put it, because she is the one that has to pick up the pieces of your shitty parenting. She is the one who has to console a child that just found out that their parent lied to them and hid other family members from them, and vice versa. Can you for one fucking second put yourself in your kids shoes and shut the fuck up about how all of this is affecting you? Take a step back from how all this is wrecking your day and pissing off your current baby maker and THINK OF YOUR 5 CHILDREN, dip shit. There is a first time for everything, I suppose.

By the way, I read the little screen shot  you attached. The only person acting like a psycho is your ass. The fact that baby momma numero-too-many-to-count had to look up shit in public records (uh, hello, it is called PUBLIC for a reason, shit for brains) because you didn't give her some pretty fucking pertinent details that do affect her and your kid's life does not make her a psycho. That makes you a scumbag. And while I do not know Kung-Fu, I do know crazy, and this chick ain't it. 

 

You don’t need to hook your son up with a vasectomy, you need to hook yourself up with a fucking lobotomy. I don’t want to go as far as to say, "Please Kill Yourself," because unlike you, I am very aware that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And if you can tell me who said that I will pay for your vasectomy. Or at least for some of your kid’s therapy.

If you want to save your kids the headache from this drama, show them how you are a good parent and show them how to be accountable for their actions. Show them how to be trusting and honest. Show them how to be the exact fucking opposite of you and you will save them from this drama. That YOU created.

Spend less time trying to get rich and more time trying to be less of a dead-beat dad, before one of your kids grows up and goes all Lyle Menendez on you. Google that shit, brah.

And you can stop asking yourself, "who the fuck is she, to talk to me like this?" Because the answer is real clear. You know who I am?

This Bitch. That’s who.


H-Bomb.