"The CODE" Of Silence

It's the rule every group of friends NEED to have. "You mean, last one to cum on the cracker has to eat it rule, J?" No, you sick fucks. I'm talking about "The CODE". What's "The CODE" you ask? Basically, "The CODE" is where you don't say shit and don't remember shit. Plain.And.Simple. That sounds so broad, right? Well let me break it down fuckers...

Las Vegas. Sin City. Disneyland for grown-ups. The place where there are no rules. There is no remorse. There are no goddamn morals. That my friends is a goddamn FACT. I've been to Vegas at least 70 times (issues, much?). No, I don't have a gambling problem. I have a drinking problem, thank you. Oh, is that funny? Fuck you. Yeah, it is pretty funny, huh? But I digress...

Any time anyone goes to Vegas, the absolute, number 1, motherfucking god forsaken rule that needs to be said before you even get to the airport is - "Remember The CODE." Say it with me people:

REMEMBER THE CODE.

Let's all be fucking honest with one another...Vegas, let alone any other place where you can cause a shit ton of fuckery and Tom Foolery, isn't for fucking pussies. This includes you ladies out there. Myself, along with many other shady fucks have done some shit that, let's just say, should never be talked about. EVER. Think less of me all you fucking want. The reality is, you've done it too. Probably some shit worse than me. Do I have any regrets? People, remember that regret is for suckers. No one would ever do anything if they didn't want to. So if you're sitting there, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "I regret hooking up with that prostitute that gave me krabs",  just know everyone reading this knows you're a goddamn fucking liar. You wanted that pussy as bad as she wanted that 200 dollars and your watch.

I don't care if you're in Vegas, some far off land or the local bar. When shit goes down with a bunch of friends that you all know shouldn't be talked about, the thing you never do is let it leave outside your circle. Doing that, will get your ass kicked, shot or fucking killed. What you remember, you don't. Whatever happened, didn't. As far as anyone is concerned, isn't your concern. I don't care if it had nothing to do with you..."The CODE" still applies...to EVERYBODY.

Now, I know some of you like to bring a camera to "capture the moment". Guess what assholes? Leave that shit at home or it will be broken. People, cameras are a big fucking no-no. It's bad enough we have cell phones with cameras on them. Which reminds me, if you ever see a motherfucker use the "camera option" on his/her phone, take that shit from them and throw it in the fucking ocean (or nearest area of water...this means a toilet). Again, let me remind everyone that no evidence is good evidence (I don't think that shit made sense). I had a friend once, that brought a camera with him to Vegas. None of us knew the pics he took were pretty foul (because we were all fucking wasted) and when we got back, he chose to show his girlfriend. Let's just say, she wasn't happy with "his friends" and that we were "bad influences". Guess what happened to picture guy? He's been on a milk carton since 2000. I don't know how he got there but that's what he gets. Fucking asshole. Pictures speak a thousand words. Sometimes more than a thousand. You can really get fucked over with pictures. Especially when they show a bunch of guys making out with college sluts with hands jammed up their skirts eating a Moon's Over Mihammy at Denny's at 5 in the morning. I'm just sayin'. Put that shit away or you will find yourself stranded in a very hot desert with nothing but a pair of shoes and 2 ounces of water. Got it?

When you finally get back from your trip or night out on the town, you will always be asked, "So how was it?" You know what you say? You say this and this only - "It was fun." Of course, they will want to know more (because they know you're full of shit) so they will come back and say, "So what did you guys do?" You simply say, "Oh, just sat by the pool and got drunk." PS - if there was no pool, there is now, fucker. ALWAYS keep it short and fucking simple. Yes/no answers. Always look them in the eyes. Never look down. Don't cross your arms. Keep everything under 10-15 seconds. Here's why...A few years ago, an ex-friend of mine decided to tell his girlfriend all the shit us guys did. The son of a bitch basically broke every goddamn rule of "The CODE" (the motherfucker even showed pics from his phone). Let me just say, we did some fucking shit that should have gotten us either arrested or killed. Soooo, after that happened, word spread fast to a lot of friends, girlfriends, etc., and the end result was not pretty. I won't get into details but I will say, ex-friend now has to live with herpes for the rest of his fucking life. Big S/O to the prostitute who he did not remember fucking who ended up giving him herpes. Sucks to be you asshole. Always remember to pack the plastic. Or is it latex? Not sure since I always go raw dog. Wait, what? Hope your girl loves those sores on her mouth.

"The CODE" is a must. No one wants to hangout with a loud mouth. Specifically, a hater. Yes, once you open your mouth, you're a fucking hater. So in summary, know your roll, and shut your mouth. Your friends will appreciate it. Write that shit down.

Oh, and if you're all asking why I wrote this column today, I'm heading out to Vegas in August. This is just a reminder to the people that I'm going with, that if you don't follow what I'm saying in this column, I'm not responsible if your ass ends up missing or catches something on your dick from that "hot bitch that was checking you out at the bar". I don't hangout with fucking pussies...so don't be one.

I'm out. Who's thirsty?