Advice Column: To Slut Or To Pimp...That IS The Question

Dear J-Wunder,

Hi-ya!  I'm a young, single gal that really doesn't want to be in a relationship. However, I do enjoy dating and currently, I'm dating three guys as well as sleeping with all three of them.  I love the dick as well as the feeling of the RAW DOG. What can I say? My question is, do you consider women that do this, sluts, or would you categorize them as men who are "pimps"?  I'm curious to read your response as are probably most women.  Love your blog!  Thanks for bringing daily laughs to my office!

Love,
Date A-Holic

Dear Date-A-Holic,

Do I really have to answer this question?  Really, do I? I'm an honest guy and I'll give you my honest answer. I think what you're doing is fucking AWESOME! I mean, you're still a "slut" in my book, but an awesome one if anything. You should actually feel honored when I say that. Look, I've been in your shoes before and I must say, it was pretty fucking tiz-ight. But I'm a guy, and like you said, guys are considered "pimps" when they just bone mad hoe's. Don't blame us for that...blame society, music, movies and reality tv for that shit. Straight up. There is definitely no denying that fact. Any guy that says this statement is false is either a virgin, cockblocker, big time hater or plain fucking gay (but not in a gay way). Now does this make a guy a scumbag? If he's single, absolutely not. He can and has the goddamn mother fucking freedom to go fuck as many chicks as he wants because he's able to do so.  If he's taken...well, lets not go there today.

I am gonna have to say you're a slut for a few reasons. And it's not just me who thinks that. It's probably 94% of the people who are reading this column right now. They were probably calling you a tramp the minute they read your question. Real talk.

1) You're fucking three guys who more than likely all blow major loads inside your hallway of a vagina. Just stating that fact right there says S-L-U-T. I would call you a pro and this conversation would be over, however, pro's use condoms and get paid money. YOU love to raw dog and probably get paid in drive-thru dinners at Taco Bell. Is there a difference? Well, considering your vagina acts like a Hungry Hungry Hippo and consumes TRILLIONS of sperm, there is a big difference Cum Dumpster Candy. I mean, imagine for a split second if you got preggers...who would be the baby daddy? The world would never know because your vagina was taking in cock like a fine dining restaurant valets cars. I just couldn't imagine being that second or third guy just raw doggin' my shit inside of you while you know damn well that you boned Big Dick Mikey an hour ago. Who, by the way, just shot a weeks worth of baby juice in your hatchet wound. Man, just the fucking thought of some other dudes cum mixed with vaginal wetness all over MY cock grosses me the fuck out! Man that's not fucking right AT ALL!

2) You're dating multiple men. Not because you just "enjoy dating," but because you absolutely love fucking. Plain.And.Simple. Hey, I dated multiple women before and it wasn't because I love to mix up the dating scene. Fuck that noise. I did it because I loved to mix up the FUCKING SCENE. A little Caucasian on Monday, a little Hispanic on Wednesday, maybe a little bit of "What the fuck was that girls nationality again" on Friday...you get the picture. Remember, people do stuff for a reason. Kind of like "Cause and Effect" - if you date, you get laid. You're welcome.

3) It's all about you. Why else would you currently be "dating" three men? The fact of the matter is, if you are in a relationship, you could be trapped into something where the guy doesn't give you exactly what you need. Breaking up is not your cup of tea, so if you date and it doesn't work out, no hard feelings...you move the fuck on. I know your type and I get it. Sort of. There is not one person that will make you happy or satisfy you the way you would like. That's why you date HELLA FUCKING  DUDES. From gifts, to money to getting your pussy smashed multiple ways from all shapes and goddamn sizes, you can't leave what you love - the attention and the things that come with it. One of those things being...drum roll please...THE WANG. What slut would want to leave that, right?

Three very justified reasons as to why I think you're a slut and not a "pimp". As much as I want to call you a pimp, I really can't. Trust me, I have many female friends who I call pimps because they have pimp tendencies and some who are straight up hoe bags. And those hoe bags admit that they are fucking hoe bags. I say this only because I've been around your kind. A majority of dudes that date women and bone them into paralysis, do it for that reason only. Just for the sex. However, women seem to have more of an agenda. Yeah, they fuck as much as dudes do, but they get great perks too. How many men do you know say, "Yeah, I fucked this chick then she surprised me with a new pair of sneakers and a gift certificate at Massage Envy." Probably 10%. And that 10% is noted only because those chicks that are fucking those dudes are married to a rich ass guy that's fucking fat and can't even see his own dick. True story. But you know what? I appreciate your honesty and just because I know you have this typical female "agenda" I'll call you a whore. Slut is a little bit harsh.


Consider Porn Someday,

J-Wunder