Advice Column: Code Blue (Balls)

Ill keep this as short as possible. Love your brutal honesty by the way so lay it on me because something isn't clicking. The girl that took my virginity and I have been on and off for 6 years. We dated in high school for 9 months before I moved to Long Beach, CA after graduation. We knew I was moving before the relationship started and agreed to end it then. Well fucking surprise we fell in love. We decided to stick to a long distance relationship even though its a scientific fact that they never work. I cheated on her about a year after, and confessed. She was sad but we made up and kept going. Then, I cheated again, this time without telling her. I cheated over 30 times. When we fought a year ago it got brutal, and I told her everything. The bitch broke down at her office and cried all night. Well recently she confessed too, and admitted to cheating with several as well even though she visited me several times. Man she loved the D. Now we still talk and flirt, and are living only about 4 hours away. She says we won't get back together, even though the caveman part of me wants to. But when she's in town she has no problem giving me a complimentary blowjob. She claims to not be talking to anyone and I'm honestly not either. But she doesn't want to make it official. This is routine. I know. But fuck, I love dicking this bitch down. What's a man to do?

Help me J. Help.

Sincerely,
Mr. Blue Balls



Dear Mr. Blue Balls,

I could easily sum this up with three words: Bobby and Whitney. But that ain’t my style.

What in the holy motherfucking shit, on this mother fucking galaxy of fucking fucks is up with dysfunctional motherfuckers like you?! Seriously. Can someone tell me? PLEASE.

Check it out amigo. What I'm going to tell you, I NEED you to listen and act on what I'm saying. Don't ignore it. Don't nod your head yes then do the opposite of what I'm fucking saying. I will personally come and find you and dick punch you if I find out you did not follow my instructions to the motherfucking "T."

DO AS I SAY.

Your ass will thank me for it later. Trust me.

Both of y'all are not only fucked up, but aren't good for each other. AT ALL. Like Bobby and Whitney. And look at how that turned out. I could probably list about a thousand goddamn things, but I won't. What I will do is break some shit down for you, that way, you can comprehend what the fuck I'm saying so you can move the fuck on with your goddamn life. Ya feel me? Grab some paper or print this column out after you're done reading it because what I'm about to tell you, no mom, dad, sibling, relative, best friend or therapist will tell you. EVER.


1) Stop being sprung like a little bitch. 

That's right. YOU. SPRUNG. BITCH. Why? It's pretty simple actually. After you came clean to cheating, this gave her a window of opportunity to do the same. And like most women, they don't have any regrets when they do the shit they do. Because once you fuck over a broad, all bets are off. If what you thought was pretty bad, I'm sure the shit she did was one million motherfucking times worse. And when she admitted it, it probably popped in your head that things weren't so bad afterall, and that you were forgiven. Only because you both did it. However, this probably wouldn't have happened if YOU didn't fuck up. Bottom line, her doing you dirty (in a sense) told you she doesn't give a fuck about you. And as men know, if a bitch shows she ain't sweating you, guess what? You want that bitch 10 times more!!! Why do you think women love assholes? "I want a nice guy..."my ass you do. But I digress...


2) Once a cheater, always a cheater.

In life, we all form some type of addiction(s). Some love food. Some love booze. Some love drugs. Some love hoarding worthless shit. And some, some just love cheating. Strike that...some love the dick, pussy or both. In other words, some love fucking. Whoever. Whenever. Wherever. It's obvious you love pussy. I'm not going to knock that because I too, love vagina. So much, that if I could carry around a pussy pocket all goddamn day and touch that thing with my mouth, finger or wang, I probably fucking would. True story.

You want your cake and want to eat that shit too. Didn't your mama ever tell you trying to have everything your way might not be such a good idea? Look where it got you, motherfucker. Single, pussy whipped and balls so blue you would think you had two goddamn Smurfs living in your drawers. Knowing you, you sick fuck, you probably have a Smurf fetish, too. Google that shit. It’s real.

I'm not going to take away the fact that you love this broad. Probably because she took your virginity. BTW - if that's the case, you're a goddamn clown. If not, it's all good. But c'mon man, you cheated on her "X" amount of times as did she. The amazing part is how she straight up told you, the two of you wouldn't get back together. Good job on her part. Shitty on yours. Why? See #1. STOP BEING A BITCH. Please explain to me how you have blue balls again if you were getting so much pussy while you were with your gal at the time? Are you a real cheater or one who wants to think he's one? Don't fuck with me, playboy. Be real.

Society is a goddamn pussy paradise and you have blue balls?! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!


3) You're single...why do you have fucks to give?!?!

You know, it's dudes like you who make me think, "There's some stupid motherfuckers who exist in this world and have no idea about anything." You know why I say this about you? Because here you are...single, with a plethora of pussy waiting to be conquered and all you can do is care about the one broad you cheated on, who in turn, cheated right back on you. That has got to be the dumbest fucking thing one man could do. Dwell like a little bitch. For no reason. AT ALL. Now, as I stated earlier, I love me some pussy. Sometimes too much for my own good. However, no pussy is worth sweating if you have no obligations or commitment to it. Any man will tell you that and hell, any fucking woman will tell you that. I know you love to dick a bitch down but bro, how bout you do yourself a fucking favor, dick down 50 other bitches while dicking down the bitch that has probably sucked more cock than an Asian massage parlor? Go in with the "no fucks to give" mentality. You're single for fucks sake. This is the time where you put all the morals that you have left aside, and go get fucking buckwild crazy. How on earth do you have blue balls again?


Three simple fucking things you need to be aware of, listen to and act upon. When life gives you lemons, go fuck shit up.

I know in every column I write 30% doesn't make sense and 10% is added value. But that 60% that's left? That's all straight up truth. Real talk.

I'm done. Go make me proud and turn things around. You owe that to yourself. If you choose not to, then why the fuck do I care? I don't live your life. I just try to change it.

You're welcome,

J-Wunder