Some Women Should NEVER Give Advice To Their Friends

6:30am and my BART train pulls up to Bay Fair station. As the doors closed, what I thought was going to be a quiet ride into the city for the next 35 minutes, ended up being an awkward, angry and yet, entertaining one for not only myself, but about 65+ people.

I'm not much of an eavesdropper when it comes to people talking on the phone. Ok, I am...especially when it's broads like the one that I happened to overhear.

Now, I don't know what the fuck happened on the other end of this woman's phone, nor do I really give a shit. All I know is that the woman who I was able to hear, was not only angry, but probably lonely and bitter at ALL men in the entire fucking galaxy.

Chick: "See, here's what you need to do sista soldier...you need to call that muhfucka' up, tell him to come pick-up his shit or this is what's gonna go down...know what I sayin'?

1) I'm gonna pack all your shit up myself, put it on the curb, burn your shit down and watch all those homeless looking muhfucka's make some smores or have a barbecue. Know what I sayin'?

2) I got a hammer and yo' 60" tv...yeah, well say bye-bye-bye N'Sync style to that shit, triflin' ass.

3) I will close our checking account, transfer all our money into my personal account. Take me to court, I don't give a FUCK."

As this bitch is going through her laundry list of things on what her friend should tell her boyfriend, I look at this old ass Asian lady across from me and she straight up tells me, "That girl crazy eyes. She no good for man." Since my back is turned to Angry Spice Magee, the only thing I could tell my newly found Asian homegirl is, "Damn straight, Yoko. This bitch needs a hug or a Jerry Lewis telethon to help her craziness."

So there I was along with my new Asian homegirl, Yoko, and 65+ other people listening to this shit. Thinking this fool cheated on her with someone or did something shady, things got louder. To the point you thought this bitch was about to get in a fight. Then this was said...

Chick: "Look, it ain't right that he forgot y'all's one year anniversary and I'm saying you need to get rid of his triflin' ass. Slash his tires, bash his windows, burn all his shit and make sure he knows to remember next time. No woman deserves that, girl. Let my man do that shit to me! That muhfucka will beg for his life. I was gonna say you should cut his dick off but I don't want to cross the line and have you go to jail. Hahahaha!"

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!!!!

This cat forgets him and his broads anniversary, she calls her friend and the friend gives all this advice?! FOR A MISSED ANNIVERSARY?! You would think these motherfuckers were dating for 10 years, too. But ONE YEAR?!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOTHER FUCKING FUCKETY FUCKING COCK SUCKING HORSE ASS SHIT HOLE MOTHER CUNT FACE FUCK ASS BALLS SHIT TWAT PUSSY FUCKER SHIT IN THE NAME OF JESUS THE GARDENER OUT OF HERE!!!!!

This bitch went 50 shades of fucking C-R-A-Z-Y because her friends boyfriend forgot their ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY?! People, this dude didn't cheat on his girl. Didn't kill anyone. Hell, he didn't even give her the news that he might be gay. He simply forgot his one year anniversary. Now, is that a fucked up thing to do? Absolutely. But let's be honest, mother fuckers forget shit and usually get the chance to make it up. Real talk.

However, if you are the person who is angry about this, why on earth would you bother to call the one person who you probably know (and let's assume she has been good friends with this crazy bitch on BART for awhile) would overreact in an irrational and delusional ass way? I mean, I've done some shit in my life and in relationships, but never has anyone suggested to a friend or girlfriend that they do any of the shit this crazy fucking bitch mentioned as advice. I can't make this shit up, people.

When this bitch finally revealed why her friend was angry, the looks and reactions on everyones face was goddamn priceless. If you could imagine what 65+ people look like confused and completely mind-fucked, that's exactly what this fucking train looked like. Add some drool and we'd be some retarded looking mother fuckers on our way to the crazy house. Straight up.

As my stop was soon approaching, I get up, turn around and finally see what this chick looks like. Folks, the person who I overheard for 35 fucking minutes, one would think that her looks outweighed her crazy talk. Oh no. Hell no. FUCK, LORD BABY JESUS, NO. I took one look at this broad, and realized a few things:

1) She definitely was not hugged enough as a child, teenager and adult.

2) The last time she probably had sex was NEVER.

3) Her self-esteem is based on a scale of Zero to Hell.

4) She LOVES all Hostess products.

5) She is angry. And not in a "I was hurt really bad in my last relationship," angry. More like, "I will kill you, marinate you in one Paula Dean's famous butter sauces, then eat you," angry.


Some women should never give advice. I don't give a fuck how close you are to anyone. If your advice typically ends up with key words like "kill, burn, cut, slice or blackmail," then you might just want to be the drinking buddy. Or the one who is always down to just eat.

True story.