Why You No Cum?

Fan Column Contribution Week: Mr. CS

This story may seem to jump around a bit and that’s solely because I did much time traveling that weekend. For those of you who don’t know what time traveling is, it’s my way of saying I was blacked-the-fuck-out. Now let’s get this shit trippin’!

Memorial Day weekend a few years back I head down to Atlantic City with an absolutely ridiculous group of guys. I say ridiculous because if you were to see one of the group shots from that weekend you would think to yourself, “How the fuck did this cluster-fuck of people come together?” Well, the fact of the matter is, we somehow pulled it altogether, only long enough for one or two pictures...the rest was a complete circus.

I’ll paint a picture for you; three of us are what you would call silent assassins. First glance and we look like normal and appropriate citizens. The other three, not so much. The best part of it is that, the most comical one looks, sounds and acts just like Tracy Morgan. I can’t make this shit up!

Now, AC is usually just under a two hour drive. We’re all super hyped to get away for the weekend and act like utter fools, but this time it took five, yes five, motherfucking hours and guess who decided to "wait and we’ll buy the booze there?” Not me, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that!

Night number one started out in the shitty hotel, which I don’t even remember the name of. That’s how shitty it was. Luckily for us, we were equipped with a couple bottles of cherry vodka and Nuvo. Now you’re probably going to ask yourselves in a bit how the fuck T-Pain (hence, Nuvo reference) worked his influence into this story, so I will ask you to resort back to the three amigos I had mentioned earlier.

We’re in AC not a shitty fucking rap video! Whatever, just "give me the fucking vodka!"

It wasn’t long after this and our arrival at Harrah’s Pool Bar that I hit 88mph and started orbiting Jupiter. This is mainly due to the fact that I just spent five soberly gruesome, hot hours sitting in a goddamn Pontiac rather than participating in alcohol infused forced awkward encounters with hot specimens of the opposite sex. So yes, I drank my feelings away...fuck you.

So let’s fast forward to my arrival back on planet Earth. I can honestly say, and proudly at that, this was the first and only time I’ve come to a butt-ass naked, face-up, fat tittied Korean bitch staring me down, dead in the eyes while she worked me out like one of those fucking shake weights. Now, any normal person would think that when one re-grasps reality in such a fashion, that one would question the events leading to this. "How’d I get here?" "Where are my pants?" "Fuck the pants where’s my wallet?!" But no, I smiled and went with it. This is mainly due to the fact, even though I can’t see him, I knew exactly who was behind it and I’m sure when this idea popped out of his mouth, I was all for it. Sorry mom, your son is a pig. If you're confused, my about to get it on with some broad and have no idea how any of this shit happened. Thanks blackoutitis!

I have absolutely no concept of time, nor any concept of what country I’m in at this point, so I have no idea how long this went on. The only thing that really stands out from this episode is the dialogue after this bitch’s gaining look of frustration, as no matter what she tries, this fucking shuttle isn’t launching any time soon. "Why you no cum?!," she yells three times. Each time being louder and in the most stereotypical Asian-way of saying it. I can hear commotion coming from the hallway and as I scream back "because I’m too fucking drunk bitch!," my buddy comes blasting in the room yelling obscenities and clapping. Neither one of us to this day know what the standing ovation was for. I surely didn’t give an impressive performance.

From there we of course got kicked out and walked back in the rain eating Pringles and talking to every bum on the way. I later found out I was pounding Nuvo straight from the bottle that night. I will never drink that shit again.

Fuck you T-Pain!