Advice Column: The Best Friend

Dearly beloved Jwunder and crew,

We gather here today because like all your readers I love reading your shit. Much love out to all of you crazy fucks. Of course I too have an issue. I'm hoping you could help me set shit straight with it, PLEASE!

Without trying to sound too desperate after them caps lock, here it goes.

I've been in a relationship for two years and its the bomb on the real .We have so much fun and I think he's that one, ya dig? Theres is this one thing thats been blown way out of proportion,out the water, out the solar system and beyond.

About a year or so ago my bf had the most terribly fucking ridiculous thought pop into that head of his.
I love this guy, no doubt but this thing is threatening this otherwise perfect thing we got going.
He is starting to believe and live around the idea that I like his best friend.

He is always saying the most ridiculous sounding things like " I wonder if you and so and so would have a better relationship". Or the other day I told him all these pretty cheesy but true thangs I could see him and I doing later on, in time and he was all like, " I bet he could give you that, I could see him doing that." After I just said I could see HIM doing that ! NOT his best friend. So I get down,sad, and now mad about it all.

Its tough always having him doubt hiself when it comes to this person,especially when I really think I do my best these days to make him feel the exact opposite. I start asking him why do you even think that, what reasons have I given you for you to think such buuuuullllshiittttt?

We go out have tons of fun, do alot of shit, greeeeaat time on the PTE and we get along great other than this sorry ass excuse of an issue.  I never hang out with this guy outside of my bfs company being that he is HIS friend and all, and well, since he does have this whole motherfucking crazy idea that Im into him.The bestfriend of his- he is a fucking cool cat. It ends there for me. I recognize we got alot in common (after my bf so insistently pointed it out, it is true) and that often I do like his statuses and shit on FB but come on its fucking fuck book.

I wont deny we did have a great conversation but nothing better than I feel I have with my bf.So I was like well why didnt you join in on the fun son?! Also my bf claims that whenever we do hang out with him, I give him the eyes and he gives em back but nooo! NO eye fuckery is going on at least not from my end. But now my bf has taken it so far that I feel its sorta become a self fulfilling prophecy.

He hangs out with my friends all the time and I could choose to knit pick and bullshit about little happenings that go on but I dont. So.. excuse the run ons and extra bullshit. I'm venting aight. Send your straight talk por favor and help a sista out.

I got mad love for your ways, especially you bossman, I know you'll keep it going strong.




Dear Dumb Ass,

Did you know that I read your email and not only did half of it not make any fucking sense but, I cut out about 1,000 words from your question. Why? Because I didn't want all these fans and blog followers to get bored and leave the page before they even got to my response. Which brings me to this point:

For those of you people writing in with questions, please just get to the fucking point when you send your emails. I don't need 3 fucking pages of you crying about some bullshit that myself, The CREW or the rest of society could give two shits about. Tell me the facts and negate the goddamn fluff. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. But I digress...

The only thing you needed to say in your diatribe of bullshit email was this and only this:

"About a year or so ago my bf had the most terribly fucking ridiculous thought pop into that head of his.I love this guy, no doubt but this thing is threatening this otherwise perfect thing we got going.
He is starting to believe and live around the idea that I like his best friend."

Your man thinks you like his best friend when you have never given him a reason to. Miss, your boyfriend is a fucking bitch. A little girl. A vagina. A Silly Sally. A gay boy (side note: I love gay people so stop feeling offended already). An insecure little fucker. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, you need to kick his ass to the curb.

Now, for those of you who want to defend this guy, don't. If you do, do yourselves a favor and stop reading this column now. Everyone else, keep reading.

Relationships are namely built on three things:

1) Trust
2) Communication
3) Honesty

There are other types of shit involved but if you ask 1 million people what three things relationships are built upon, they would more than likely say these three. Your boyfriend does communicate with you. Communicates the fact that you and his best friend would be awesome fuck buddies and an amazing couple. He's also honest. Honest at the fact that he doesn't trust your ass one bit. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because he's a sorry sack of shit that doesn't even trust himself. He lacks confidence. He's intimidated. Not by you, but by his buddy who is supposed to be considered his best friend. That right there is complete and utter bullshit. How you're still with this clown is really beyond me.

Communication and honesty - CHECK. Of course, in the most fucked up way possible.

Trust - throw that shit out the goddamn window. Real talk.

I've been in the same exact situation you've been in. And you know what I did when my girlfriend at the time was doing exactly what your boyfriend was pulling? I looked that bitch dead in her eyes, brushed the hair away from her ivory white cheeks and said, "Listen bitch, I don't know where the fuck you come off thinking I want your best friend, but if you really think shit is going to go down between us, I am MORE than happy to fuck, suck, finger, chili dog the shit out of her just to make you feel better about yourself and the fucked up shit that goes on in that crazy and psychotic head of yours. Keep that shit up and the only long term thing you're gonna have with me is a restraining order you crazy bitch." Guess what happened next? I was riding off into the sunset doing my thang while she sat there alone, single and wondering what the fuck went wrong and why I dumped her ass.

That's the solution my dear. The solution and key to get your man to sack the fuck up and stop being a little twatsicle. For you to actually take that time and time again is actually fucking ridiculous and a waste of YOUR time. You sticking around just enables him more and more and you don't even know it. He wants validation. A ton of it. As his girlfriend, it's not your job to validate him. At least not this way. Fuck all that. Remember those three fucking things I listed earlier? That's the validation that should have happened when you two first got together. Real talk.

Stop wasting your time on trying to figure out his insecurities. No real woman dates a bitch. Especially an insecure one. I don't care how much you love a mother fucker. You want to stay miserable or whatever, stay with your man. If you want to be in an actual relationship where you can actually enjoy it while not constantly defending yourself for no reason, dump his ass. Keep that shit 100.

It's not rocket science. It's called a healthy relationship.

You're welcome,

J-Wunderful