The Hole, The Dream and The Night I Got Some Sleep

I have a California King size bed.

Down comforter.

Down pillows.

Down whateverthefuck you call that thing that goes on top of your mattress thingy.

Sheets so soft that I actually get turned on sometimes because it's like a woman is rubbing me with her naked body. Ask me how many socks I got chillin' next to the nightstand???

This is the place where I get down, to get down.

I absolutely love that fucking bed.

About a month ago, I noticed something. There was a slight hole/tear on my bed sheet. Nothing too crazy. Just a hole about 5 inches long. I didn't freak out. I didn't repair it. I just left that motherfucker the way it was. No biggie.

As each week went on, I started to notice that the hole was getting a little bigger. First 5 inches, then 6, then 8...shit got to be about a goddamn footlong. Again, I didn't freak out. I didn't repair it. I didn't even flip that fucker to the other side where I don't even sleep. I just left it as is and "would get to it" when I had time.

It got to the point where this motherfucking hole was basically 2 feet long and I thought to myself, "Self, wouldn't that be fucking funny if I ended up inside that motherfucker like I was in a body bag? Wouldn't that be some shit to experience." Well friends, it happened...

After about 2 hours of sleep in almost 48 hours, I got home after work, dropped my shit in the living room, took off all my clothes through the hallway and hopped in bed. But before going to sleep, I hit up good 'ol PornHub on my handy-dandy phone but was so goddamn exhausted that I couldn't even end the night on a high note. Mr. Mi-dongy wasn't having that shit so I passed the fuck out like a drunk broad on roofies in a Tijuana nightclub.

During my solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I had a dream. One that was crazy as fuck. First I was in this porno having sex with all these beautiful women. Then these women turned into zombies with really nice tits. Then they transformed into donuts and all of the sudden I was in my kitchen fucking a box of Krispy Kremes. Note to self: Don't drink a bunch of IPA and Buffalo Trace when you're sleep deprived...you will dream of some fucked up shit. But I digress...

As I noticed a bunch of donuts just hanging from my wang like it was a coat check closet, my dream turned into a goddamn crime scene. I was lying on my back, still with about 3 donuts chillin' on my huge boner, in a body bag. Above me was LL Cool J from NCIS looking at me like I died of a heinous fucking crime. One that involved tons of booze, drugs, hookers and apparently, a lifetime supply of Krispy Kreme Donuts. With such disgust from his face, he zips me up in the body bag and all I remember was trying to scream, "Help motherfucker. I ain't dead. I'm just really tired fool. Get me out this motherfucking body bag." To no avail, no one heard me. So I did what any other person who was alive, with a huge boner would do...I fought my way out of that goddamn body bag. I'm talking some Braveheart shit.

I clawed, wiggled and did whatever the fuck I could to get out. It was like I was trapped and couldn't breathe for days on end. But through the power of Jesus (the Mexican gardner), I got out that motherfucker without harm. Then I woke up.

My dream felt so real that I actually found myself inside that goddamn hole in the sheets. Well, the hole that USED to be 3 feet big. When I woke up, I literally came out that motherfucker like a butterfly hatching from a cocoon. All free as a bird and shit. The sad part...I was so fucking wiry from my dream that when I was inside the hole, I was able to rip the whole goddamn sheet from one end of the bed to the other. As if a fucking wolverine came in and just cleaned house. Boner and all...I sat up confused, scared and lost...and butt ass naked craving glazed donuts.

What's left of my bed sheet cover is nothing more than memories of the good times we had through the years. I'm still confused as to how the fuck I got in that motherfucker, but in any event, it was a story worth telling. Shit...at least I got some sleep.

Time to hit up Bed, Bath & Beyond, bitches.