Advice Column: Breaking Down The Vagina Walls

Dear ghetto geniuses,

First off, I'm a huge fan! This shit gets me through my day. Now my question is, is it possible for a chick to be too tight? I love sex! By myself or with a man. I use my toy alot. (just vibrator not a dildo you know one of those silver bullet things) so my muscles down there get a good work out regularly. LOL But with my last boyfriend he couldn't keep it in. If we found a position were it worked we had to stay like that and keep the same exact rhythm or else it would pop out. Alot of the time he just gave up and didn't finish, It was frustrating alot of the time.  Now i am seeing this guy and no matter how wet i get he still needs to use lube. He says because i'm too tight. I thought the tighter the better?  Is it possible to be too tight? And if so what the hell do i do?!?!




Dear Vagina Whose Hole Is Tighter Than A Cinnamon Ring,

I'm no doctor. Although, if I were, I would definitely be an OBGYN. I think that shit would be off the chain. An assortment of vagina to look at all damn day...even the fucked up ones. Good thing I'm not though because I'm 100% positive I would face lawsuits weekly. But I digress...

I read your question and said to myself, "Self, this is a good one. Now, how the fuck are you gonna answer this broad?" Then, for like two days I went back in time and thought about all the chicks I banged and out of those chicks, who had tight vaginas where my wang couldn't stay put?

And as I thought about this, I couldn't help but jerk off for two days because quite honestly, I boned some pretty awesome chicks. So as my analysis and masturbating came to an end, the answer was clear...

There was only one girl. One whose hatchet wound was so tight, if I closed my eyes, it felt like I was fucking the inside of a martini olive...made of steel. Hard to imagine, right?

The situation with this broad was quite like yours. Wang goes in, wang struggles...wang finds room...wang loses and gets booted. Didn't matter the position or how much lube, something wasn't right. Was the chick I'm banging an ex-dude? Was my dick really as big as a mature field mouse? Maybe she was nervous? Scared? Afraid? Why on earth could my dick not go 2 inches in before getting kicked the fuck out of Vaginaland? It was a mystery that had me confused, sad and more importantly, sexless. Then one night it happened...

I was at the bar celebrating my buddy's birthday. Shots of tequila were flowing and it was raining Long Islands like it was nobody's business. Tighthole Magee cruises in, greets me and the fellas, participates in our shot fiasco and within the hour tells me we should go back to her place and cruise to Pound Town. While on our walk to her apartment, I had a serious pep talk with myself because there was no way in fucking hell was I going to fail, let alone have my dick fail on fucking this chick. "Eye of the tiger" was playing in my head and I was determined to do whatever it took to make sure that this night would not be a letdown. So when we got to her place I did what I should have done long ago...

I MANNED THE FUCK UP!

I threw this gal on the bed, whipped out my fucking junk, gave her mud flaps a good licking, then stuck my tropical popsicle in her with furious anger and great vengeance.

I WAS IN.

And when I say IN, I mean, I was so far up in this broad that I swear you could see the tip of my dong coming out of her mouth as happy tears streamed down her face as if she just won the lottery. It was like we were two virgins experiencing sex for the first time on grandma's plastic covered couch...except, no cherries were being popped and I wasn't titled "The Virgin Surgeon".

I manned up. I fucked her like Hurricane Sandy fucked the East Coast. With such great power and force that it spoke volumes. My dong, broke down her Berlin Wall. She was free at last and I got my manhood back. And to think, all it took was a little huevos, power and an attitude of attaining a goal. Oh, what the power of booze, physical attraction and determination could do to two people.

I don't know if the two guys you have banged are hung like mature hamsters or are just the "love making" type. The problem isn't that you're too tight. I mean, you fuck yourself with a vibrator...you never complained about that, right? The problem is that whoever you're fucking needs to fuck you and fuck you REALLY GOOD.

And don't give me this shit about how you don't like it rough. If a chick can birth a goddamn 10 pound baby that is 24 inches long, then getting pounded for 10-15 minutes should be a fucking cakewalk. Your vagina has a thresh hold that hasn't even been tested. Test that shit and break down those walls like I broke down Tighthole Magees. She thanked me for it and is a better whore for it til this very day. Ain't that right, whore?

Follow these words, have your man grow a steel sack and fuck you like a natural disaster is about to happen.

Things only stay air tight if you let it.

Time to create world peace...in your vagina.

Much love,

J-Wunder