Advice Column: End Game

Jockeyshorts Wunderful,

I am an avid reader of your blog.  Your blogs are the cocaine to my sex and swearing additiction.  But enough about that shit.  So here's the deal.   I have been debating on asking you and the Ghetto Crew about my problem for a while.  Because hey, I have seen you rip apart people.  But frankly...fuck it!  Truth hurts sometimes.  Maybe that's what I need.  So give it to me...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now.  He lives 2 hours away from me.  In the beginning, he played like hell to "get me".  I had my reservations about dating and the whole relationship bizz because well...I like dick.  Probably a little too much.  Before my man, I was quite happy with having my cock meat sandwhichs delivered in 30 minutes or less by whomever I chose.  That doesn't make me a whore either.  My pussy is not like google.  It just means I like my man meat with a side of gravy...lover.  Moving on...Once I gave in and started dating him he did everything to make time for me.  But now...well you can see where this is going can't you?  It seems that there is always some fucking excuse!  And everytime I tell him I am thinking about leaving him or want to end it, he begs for me to stay.  I love him, but its been 4 months since this bitch has gotten his dick!  And my pussycat is mad.  What do I do?

With Anticipation...
~M!ss K!ss



Dear M!ss K!ss,

If you ever do a dumb ass sign-off with exclamation points to replace an "i" ever again, I will piss down your esophagus and skull fuck you. I don't know if that was your cute way of being creative, but it's stupid and takes way too long to do that. STOP THAT SHIT. This goes for you bastards who think that shit is the cool thing to do too. But I digress...

I'm going to be as blunt as possible when I tell you this...

You my dear, have been bamboozled. Dude put in the work to get your cookie, and all you are now is a convenience when he wants you to be. Congrats on being one of the idiotic women in society who fall for shit like this. You are making women like yourself look better and better every fucking day. Be proud that you are now in the "stupid bitch" category when it comes to men, relationships and sex. BTW - don't give me your, "I'm a strong woman, I don't need him, I can get dick whenever with whomever I want" sermon. Because if that were the case, your dumb ass wouldn't still be around after 4 months of not getting his wang. Which reminds me, your statement about loving cock meat sandwiches and being all "bout it, bout it" has confirmed to myself and the people reading this that it is invalid and you are one of those people who talk a much better game than you actually play. Real fucking talk.

See, what you and women like you need to realize is that men and women look at relationship and sex as a game. Even if your intention isn't to play "the game," you subconsciously act as if you are playing one. You started to play the game then with the flip of a switch, you fucked yourself. Your boy toy of a man who you haven't gotten dick from in the past 4 months gave you a big ass CHECK MATE. Shame on you for being so fucking stupid and eating up whatever he was serving you.

So what he lives 2 hours away and made the time? Any man who finds a challenge with a woman and her mud flaps is going to do whatever they can until they get that golden fucking ticket and hit a home run. He played "the game." He felt in his head and in his pants that whatever it was about you, you were worth the challenge. Women do this shit too. The shitty thing is that you are now the victim to this popular crime.

"But J, then why has he been dating me for 9 months if it was just a game?" Great fucking question.

ANSWER: You are a convenience to him.

Basically, you are someone that can be there to give him attention. Like a dog.

Think about it...you've been dating a guy who lives two hours away for 9 months but you haven't fucked him in four of those months? Bitch, are you stupid?! Read that a thousand times and tell me what's wrong with this picture.

Sweet Tits, you have no value to this guy other than some obligated conversation and probably texting on the daily. You have wasted four months of your adult life sitting around wondering what is up with your man and him fucking you when you should have figured that out within a few weeks. No one changes suddenly just to change. Mother fuckers aren't built that way. If they were, the world would be a whole different place and the earth would be 2 seconds away from blowing the fuck up.

While you sit there and ponder your relationship, if you should use the 6" or footlong dildo to masturbate with or what good movies are on On Demand this weekend, realize that he's doing his own thing and probably loving every minute of it. He played the game to a tee and is more than likely having no remorse about it. And if I was a betting man, he's probably bored with you and your relationship as a whole. Why? Simple. You are two fucking hours away. He was finally able to fuck you after you made him work for it, so really, where's the challenge if he beat the master level (a.k.a. your non-googling vagina). Lastly, you probably are annoying as fuck. Any person who makes constant excuses should tell you first hand, there is something wrong with YOU. Not them. YOU.

The solution:  LEAVE. BE FREE. GO FIND A DICK GARDEN FULL OF DICKS TO PLAY WITH.

Your man is making excuses. No man should ever make excuses to not be with his woman. This is a problem that Sloth from the movie "Goonies" could have figured out. Stop being the dumb bitch and get your shit together. No good woman needs a man who doesn't put in the effort like he used to. Then again, a good woman wouldn't have that problem. Maybe he's not such an asshole, now that I'm thinking about it.

In any event, move the fuck on with your life and stop acting like a little bitch. It's not rocket science. It's life. Deal with it, move forward or be prepared to get trampled on...not because there are bad men in this world...it's because you're just too fucking stupid to figure it out.

I'm Out,

J-Wunder