New Year, Same Me

I'm gonna be honest...fuck New Year's Resolutions. Why? Because after almost a decade, I have failed miserably at keeping the promises I thought I held so dearly to myself.

Every year, I make a list. Not a big one. Just one that seems reasonable and very doable but "outside the box," so to speak.

And like every year, I get excited, motivated, then about 2 weeks in, I fail or alter this list so I don't feel so bad that I haven't accomplished anything. For example:

1) Be adventurous.
This includes but is not limited to: skydiving, bungee jumping, backpacking for 3 months, etc. You know what the fuck I did one year? I drank three 40's of Olde English, put a trash bag around my neck like a fucking cape then jumped off the roof...of a trailer home. Do you know basketball hoops are taller than some trailer home roofs? Sky diving from 8 feet...CHECK. Bungee jumping minus the bungee...CHECK. Backpacking minus everything that equates to backpacking...CHECK. Resolution #1 - FAIL.


2) Help the cause.
Basically, what I'm trying to accomplish here, is doing my civic duty and helping out those in need at least once a month or 3 times a year. You know what I did as my civic duty? One year I thought it would be a great idea to buy a bunch of Ritz fucking crackers and handout handfuls to homeless people on the street. Word of advice: If you ever want to offend a homeless mother fucker, hand that poor bastard a handful of buttery ass crackers with a smile and act like you are doing them a huge fucking favor. He will look at you, crunch them sonbitches up, then tell you to fuck off and go buy him a sandwich. Resolution #2 - FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.


3) Be less judgmental of people.
This one usually lasts the shortest amount of time because people are basically borderline retarded or fucking assholes, and they feel the need to either infect the world with stupid or show the world how douchey they can be. And that is why we have shows like, "Here comes Honey Boo-Boo” and “The Jersey Shore." This also leads me to my next resolution:


4) Watch less shitty reality television.
This is the most difficult one to keep for several reasons: First, sometimes there is nothing better than after a long day at work, coming home, cracking a cold one and getting some dome while I watch bitches snatch weave on The Real Housewives of Hot-Mess-Lanta. Or, after I have shot up speed ball (WAIT, WHAT?) I like to watch a little Intervention and feel better about some of the "bad" decisions I have made in my life. I'll be honest. Reality shitty-vision is addicting. It's the train wreck I really don't want to see but can't take my eyes off of. No wonder why my vocabulary has been tailored down to such things as a retarded donkey asking for some water in a desert. What that sounds like is not pretty let alone sexy or fucking human.


5) Be alcohol free for 30 days.
I attempted this feat probably 167,389,124 times. Success rate - ONCE. Problems? Not really. I mean, I'm a mother fucker that needs booze in his life. Not because I have a problem but because I just need to be entertained. I know, I know...sounds like I have a problem, huh? The only problem I have is other mother fuckers having a problem that think I have a problem. Mind yo business, bitch. The reality of it is I actually am alcohol free for 30 days...throughout the year. That's gotta count for something, right? Resolution #3-5 - You're going to hell mother fucker, FAIL.


6)  Eat healthier.
Everybody knows by now that I love me some fast food. Taco Hell, Shitdonald’s...all of it. This is part of the reason that I fail so goddamn spectacularly at number 5. I need some goddamn booze in my life and I need Taco Muhfucking Bell in my life. It’s like one of those bullshit cleanse things that Paltrow bitch does, but with better, more productive farts. Really angry ones, too. After a night of Guinness, Johnnie Walker Blue and 6 fucking Gorditas, I can crop dust that ugly mean bitch at work in such a way that makes her nose AND her fucking eyes bleed. I'm talking some Bloody Mary folklore shit. If any asshole tries handing me an apple or some other healthy shit, I’m gonna send you the videotape of me bending your mom over the toilet while she’s gagged with one of those bathroom machine maxi pads. The only healthy thing that I'm good at is boning. Eating pussy is like being a vegetarian, right?

Six things that I have tried over and over and over again that I will constantly fail at. What does this say about me? Probably a lot of really bad things. How-the-fuck-ever, there's always next year.

New Year's Resolutions - trying to save face one year at a time.

I'm out.