Facebook "LIKING" Like A Mother Fucker

I checked my Facebook in the parking lot before coming into work this morning. No notifications, just the normal A.M. Facebook meow-meow. About an hour later, I went on my phone to respond to a text and saw my Facebook icon had a red 33 over it.

Thirty-Three notifications? Did I just win the lottery and this was 33 people congratulating me? Did someone change my relationship status to "Oh my god, that surly bitch finally found someone who doesn’t want to donkey punch her in the back of the head?" I could not figure out what I could have said, done or posted in the last hour (I don’t have Facebook on my work computer, due to some fat-sloth-cunt-face-bitch who couldn’t stop stalking her ex-boyfriend on her work time and making Facebook profiles for her pets, so she could really stalk him) that would warrant such attentions.

My curiosity got the best of me, so I tapped the icon to check out what the fuck was what. And then I saw it.

Several people had gone on a liking spree, in my one hour hiatus. And liked EVERY FUCKING THING I said, posted or commented on other people’s stuff.

For the record, that shit makes me stabby. I used to be flattered by it. I was like, "Oh, everyone thinks I am goddamn hilarious, the best photographer ever and enjoy they are enjoying my witty banter with my fellow assholes." And I am and that is all true, so that was cool. That lasted all of a few days. Now, nothing irks me more than when I have to dig through a bunch of goddamn notifications that someone liked everything that I did one day, including that I checked in on "The Shitter," to get to the one comment from that person who never comments or posts anything to me.

Here’s a gentle reminder: Facebook should not be a popularity contest, a clothesline to air your dirty laundry or taken seriously, at all. It is the most controlled form of PR possible and gives people the freedom to dictate who can see, know and comment/like what on their personal pages.
Facebook is not real fucking life. People need to stop acting like this shit is life or death and they will cease to breathe or that their friends will cease to exist in the world if they don’t like every, single, solitary goddamn thing that they post, the very minute they post it.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

And have I mentioned that shit is just plain fucking creepy? I see you, stalking my photos, my pics, my conversations...lurking in the shadows, waiting for the next thing I post. Step away from the Facebook, mother fuckers. There is a whole, magical world out there. Full of real humans and real experiences.
You remember life without Facebook, right?

This is my random fucking thought of the day. Text someone. Call them. Send them a goddamn email. Don’t rely on FB as your only means of communicating with someone or showing them that you care. Even if you can only talk once every 6 months. I bet that one conversation is far more meaningful than 5,425,671 likes. This is what society has come to. Real Talk.

I ate too much for breakfast today and now my soap box is beginning to crumble under my weight. I am out, bitches. Catch you on the flipbook side.