Advice Column: I Don't Answer Stupid

Well i been talking to this guy for over 5-6 years i was 15 when i met him shit got seriouse when i turned 19 i guess i matured a bit n wanted to party n loved to drink, of course my outfits where more skanked out than when i was 15, anyways it seems thru the yrs we would get more serious i really dnt know what to call me n him  but where more than friends but not there yet with the bf/gf title n fear or ruining what we have n i'm okay w/ it cause i'm young n we feel when the time is right shit will glue itself together, recently he got locked. i'd write himwhen his bro would spend the night  but i never told him his bro tried to kiss me instead i tried to hook his bro up w/ my roomate up, i decided to spend new years n vegas n his family lives out there so i thought i'd say hi n his sisters where fun, but he kept trying to get us alone he tried sleeping n the same bed n then tried kissing me i told him the shit wouldnt be going down if his ernie was here but now how do i tell ernie what should i do?



Dear Dafuq I Just Read,

No.

Just no. You should have your phone, or whatever the fuck you just tapped on to get this garbled message to me, taken the fuck away.

I have read a goddamn plethora of emails in my two years of blogging, but none are more special than this. I don't know how old you are, nor do I fucking care. Anyone who is anyone that writes into Ghetto Genius Headquarters usually knows what they are getting themselves into. Tell me, how does somebody email me with the subject title, "Haha didnt think i'd do this ur blog is halariouse anyways my dilema," then begin to not only write something that sounds like a toddler wrote it, but use probably some of the worst fucking grammar, spelling, lack of punctuation and think I'm going to be able to translate it and answer their fucking question in a serious manner? How? Why? Are you on drugs? Like a lot of them? I am not even going to ask if you are retarded, because that is an insult to anyone who is.

Obviously, someone from The CREW is punking me. I bet those scurrilous fuckfaces - H-Bomb, Anonymous and The RINGER got all hopped up on A's magic tobaccy and some of that Alize, H is so fond of, BECAUSE NO ONE IS ACTUALLY DUMB ENOUGH TO SEND ME SHIT LIKE THIS.

Real Talk. Fucking Bitches.

I'm not going to answer your question. You wanna know why? Because I don't answer stupid. Let me ask YOU a question...when you were writing this, how on goddamn Motherfucking Earth did you understand what the fuck you were typing, let alone saying? Was it one of those things where you were typing faster than what you were thinking or vice-versa? Because if that was the case, you need some serious fucking help keeping everything together. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. It's like you took a shit without opening your anus then pissed all over it from your titties.

I'm not a grammar Nazi in any sense of the word. I'm also not an English major or professor. Matter of fact, I hate English, I've read three books in my entire fucking life and I hate to write. How-the-fuck-ever, when I started this blog I found out, I might actually have some fucking talent. Not much, just some. That said, the one and most important thing I reminded myself of was this:

DON'T SOUND LIKE A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. WRITE SO EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE SAYING, HOW YOU SAY IT AND THAT IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

You my dear, have failed on all three points.

Do you know that it took me half a bottle of tequila, four trips to the bathroom and roughly 12-15 times to read your email to even catch a fucking glimpse of what you were saying? As I'm writing this, completely sober, I am more confused now than I was the day I nearly drank myself to death because that train wreck you decided to call an email.

Please, please, PLEASE, tell me you have not procreated. I cannot even begin to fathom a world where you have spawned something that has a .00094516 chance of being as ignorant and simple as you. If you have, I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

As simply as I can put this, you are everything that is wrong with this country. You are lazy, ignorant and probably very ugly. You have no concept on how to communicate or behave in the real world. I am guessing that you may not be working at this time, because I can't imagine you filling out an application or resume if you think that what you wrote above is acceptable writing. If I saw you in public, I would probably try to Falcon Punch you, especially if you speak as stupidly as you write. LOL, motherfucker.
   
I have never suggested that someone kill themselves, because I do think everyone serves some purpose in this world. You do not. Please kill yourself. And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, come round my blog.

All non-jokes aside, this column has probably offended a lot of people. More stupid ones than the ones who are nodding their heads thinking, "That J-Wunder...motherfucker is brutally honest...funny too. I would have said the same shit to this broad." If it has offended you, guess what? I'm not sorry. See, my job along with The CREW's job is simple: HELP THOSE IN NEED OF ADVICE. You emailed me in desperate need of some advice, that said, here is my advice so you can live a better life:

1) GO TO SCHOOL.
2) PICK UP A FUCKING BOOK.
3) PUT DOWN THE TELEVISION REMOTE.
4) DEACTIVATE YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT.
5) CANCEL YOUR CELL PHONE PLAN.
6) STOP SAYING SHIT LIKE "YOLO, SWAG, ETC."
7) ACT YOUR FUCKING AGE.
8) GET A JOB. ONE THAT NEEDS EDUCATED PEOPLE.
9) LEAVE DICK ALONE FOR AT LEAST 12 MONTHS.
10) BE A PART OF US NORMAL MOTHERFUCKERS IN SOCIETY.

Do that and you'll be alright. Oh, if you plan to email me again, make sure you're speaking English and not dumb fuck.

You're welcome.

J-Wunder