The ONLY New Year's Resolution You'll Need For 2013

In less than 5 goddamn days will mark New Years Eve 2012. I don't know about y'all, but I've had quite a fucking year. It looks like I have officially started and ended 2012 with a horrendous hangover (if that tells you anything about 2012 as a whole). So what better way to nurse my hangover and get ready for another night of drinking than to figure out my 2013 New Year’s resolutions?

Each year, hundreds of million's of people sit down and contemplate what they are going to either stop or start doing. The top 10 New Year’s Resolutions are as follows:

1. Lose Weight
2. Stop Smoking
3. Exercise
4. Drink less
5. Manage debt/save money
6. Spend time with loved ones
7. Travel
8. Get a better job
9. Volunteer
10. Get organized

So I'm going through the list above, thinking to myself. UMMM shit..how do I fucking pick just one? What if the answer is, "Where is #11: All of the above?" Some of you may be thinking, "Wow, is that fucking sad or what? I feel bad for J-Wun, his life must be one goddamn fucking disastrous mess!!" Eh, not so much, but think what you will, fuck faces.

The thing about New Year’s resolutions though, I heard a fact once that 50% of people have failed at their New Year’s resolutions after the first week. 90% after the first month. So why have you mother fuckers made it your mission every New Years to fail? And since many people make multiple New Year’s resolutions, you’re essentially failing over and over again. Good job, fuckers. To fail so miserably at your goal for the year that you feel shitty, eat more, stop leaving the house and become agoraphobic. We’re talking fatter and more depressed than you were on Christmas day @ 9pm after eating that 17th piece of pie. Ho, ho, ho mother fucker.

Instead, let's talk about some attainable goals. Goals that will ultimately actually make you feel better about yourself. So below is the ONE THING you need to do to make for a healthy and happy 2013. A New Year's resolution so damn good that is not only attainable, but will also make other aspects of your life better. Much better, in fact. Read on, you might learn a thing or two.


Your 2013 New Year’s Resolution: Have More Sex

Seems silly, right? Who in their right mind doesn’t want to orgasm a few more times each week? You’d be surprised though, there are people out there that have every opportunity for a lot of sex, but just don’t jump on it (pun absolutely intended).

Sex relieves stress & eases depression. Who doesn’t need that right after the holiday season? And ladies out there, the absorption of semen works as an added natural antidepressant, lucky for you fine ass bitches! (I can’t make this shit up)

Sex relieves pain. That’s right, when you orgasm it releases endorphins with a similar chemical structure to morphine. I'm getting hard just thinking about this shit.

Sex can lead to weight loss & boost in cardiovascular health. See, with just some rambunctious fucking you are checking two boxes that those miserable dieters and exercisers have on their list of resolutions! They say between 200-700 calories depending on how vigorous or long you last. Get me drunk enough, I'm losing 10,000 calories in a session. BA-LEED DAT!

Sex fights aging. Wait, what? Who doesn’t want that? But you’re more likely to look, feel and live longer when you are less stressed, in less pain, more flexible and just generally in a better mood. This sounds like a duh, huh?

SEX MAKES YOU HAPPY! And guess what? I love being a happy mother fucker. Especially, if my wang is working 24/7/365 in a vagina named "OPEN SEASON". If you ignore all the reasons above, this is the one you should listen to. Who isn’t happy after fucking? I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever ended a marathon session without a smile on my face. Also, my friends, it is something that not only makes you happy, but the person you're fucking, happy. DOUBLE WIN. I think I just blew my load.

So goodbye 2012, it’s been real. I’m waving goodbye to you in my rearview mirror... and by waving I obviously mean giving you the finger.

HAPPY 2013,
THE Ghetto Genius