Advice Column: Never Break The Golden Rule OR You'll Fuck Yourself

Dear Mr. Ghetto Genius,

I'm not quite sure how to begin my story and I know that once I stop, it might turn into something of a book so I will try to keep it short and bitter. All my life I have been strong and I have been patient and innocent... until I met the anti-Christ. We started out as "friends with benefits" and I was actually excelling in that department. I managed to keep those feminine feelings of "want" at bay and I felt nothing for the guy UNTIL he insisted that he wanted to be with me and held certain feelings for me...I thought to myself "Eh, what the hell. He cute enough".  He met my entire family ( he had met my immediate family way before..I'm Mexican so I mean my ENTIRE family) which I guarantee you NEVER happens because I like to keep my private life PRIVATE. Long story short, Christmas day I sensed him completely shift and he stopped talking to me. I was completely fine with it. I never text-ed him back until I found out he was moving his charming ways towards my older sister. It drove me insane. J-wunder, I really mean it when I say.... it drove me insane. I felt pathetic, hideous, worthless. I contemplated suicide... it was horrible. My only consolation were my two friends with their typical responses. You know...such things as "oh hes a dog" yadda yadda. My sister never pursued anything but I'm sure she was flattered and didn't push him away either. I ended up throwing a huge tantrum when I once saw them together and he learned his lesson and stopped his pursue. Months later I invited my friend to go out with me to a bar in which he ended up being in (we have mutual friends) and to make a dreadful story short... they are now together. My friend of 9 years and the anti-Christ. The "friend" who was there for me when I lost my mind. The "friend" who hated him as much as I did for what he has done ( He would slander me all over the place as well). I am traumatized. I need your help. Please help me. I am losing my mind. I have lost my compassion.. I have lost my ability to trust and the best quality I had... my genuine kindness. I am now a bitter wreck with hair loss and infections on my face due to stress. Please, be as cruel as you have to be to snap me out of this nonsense.

Sincerely,
Lost




Dear Lost,

First and foremost...trying to take your own life proves nothing to nobody. That shit may sound like a good idea and you may feel alone but in times of need, ask for help for fuck sake. You may think no one is there for you, but open your goddamn eyes because there is always someone. Trust me. In any event, glad you're here today and didn't do the one thing that can never be taken back...your goddamn life. So from me to you...THANK YOU. Alright, enough with the "ABC After School Special" talk, time to get down to business. Hope you're ready because I'm about to shine some light on that ass. Here goes nothing...

The situation you're in is basically fucked up and awful. I mean, there are worse situations out there but yours is still fucked up. The guy you thought you were in to, fucked you (literally), wanted to fuck your sister, fucked you over (figuratively) and is now fucking your best friend. Talk about being fucked. Damn, Gina.

You're hurt. So hurt that you don't even know who you are anymore. You're a goddamn train wreck. But who's to blame? Is it the ex-flame who screwed you everywhere this side of the Mississippi? Your sister who never "did anything"? Is it you? OR is it your best friend? This answer may shock you but don't let it. Why? Because after what I say, hopefully you'll see the light and move on with a different perspective and have you back to that person you once were.

YOU ARE TO BLAME.

YOU ARE TO BLAME.

YOU ARE TO BLAME.

Read those three lines one thousand times because you my dear, need to wake the fuck up.

You got played. You got played hard. Let me break it down for you...

In life, a majority of men and women look out for one person and one person only...THEMSELVES. Is that a bad thing? It all depends on who you ask, I guess. In your situation, you let something so simple turn into something that drove you crazy to the point it changed you. This guy knew exactly what he was doing. One of the golden rules of being "friends with benefits": IT WILL NEVER WORK IF YOU TRY TO MAKE IT A RELATIONSHIP. Have some people made it work? Probably. But ask yourself how big is that percentage of success? According to J-Wunder statistics, probably less than 10 fucking percent. And out of that 10 percent, those mother fuckers are probably being cheated on right now. Real talk.

You did what he wanted you to do...give in. Jedi-Mind fucking is a mother fucker, ain't it? That's where you went wrong, sweet tits. You broke the golden rule and you paid the price. Don't you know words are nothing without actions? And when I say actions, I mean some real "hit home" to the heart actions. Not this, "Oh baby, oh baby but I love you and blah blah fucking bullshit." You drank the Kool-Aid he was serving and it must have been real good too because not only were you convinced, but he was on the cusp of having your sister hop onboard the Jedi-Mind Fucking Train as well. Who knows...she might have been on the same ride and you didn't even know it. You'd be amazed at what some siblings hide from one another these days. True story.

The damage was done and your man got you thinking one thing while he was trying to work on other things. Being in something that had the "commitment" title attached, you were occupied and it worked to his advantage. Crazy how being "friends with benefits" you don't give a fuck but when you add an official title to something everything changes, huh? Stupid ass.

As life was looking like the end of the world, you confided in your homegirls. Homegirls that seem to me, could have really given two shits about your situation but knew you were so fucked up that they didn't want you to do anything stupid. Case in point...kill yourself. To be quite honest, you probably seemed like a crazy bitch to them. And we all know...bitches be crazy sometimes. Welcome to the Crazy Bitch Fan Club.

When this all went down and they were there for you, that one whorecunt of a friend who you didn't know was going to be a real whorecunt of a friend, probably thought, "This bitch is fucking crazy. I've met her man and he's a cool guy. I'm going to have to find out if what she says about him is really true or if she's just a delusional, crazy fucking psycho who just needs help." Don't sit there shaking your head because the fact of the matter is, it's true. Once you flipped the crazy bitch switch, it was her job to make it a point to see how crazy you really were. That's where the problem lies.

The crazier you got and the more you couldn't shut the fuck up about your man being the Anti-Christ, your whorecunt friend became interested. Interested on how one person can make another woman lose her shit so bad and interested on if this same man was all that you say he is. This leads me to a few conclusions:

1) You need better G-A-M-E and P-L-A-Y-E-R radar.

2) You are really fucking crazy and need to slow the fuck down on the Sunny De-CRAZY juice.

3) He really is the Anti-Christ and knows how to run shit.

4) Your friend is as fucked up as you are.

5) He really isn't what you said he is. You just put that in your head because YOU got fucked over.

Don't get it twisted, he did you wrong. However, when mother fuckers get hurt, they tend to make shit worse than what they are. If you put enough effort and love into something and get played for a fool, you're gonna lose your shit to a point that you just act a fool. Sound familiar? Where was I? Oh yeah, your whorecunt friend...

She got herself in deep with your man and you know what? By the way you were talking and the way he was acting, you're on that shit end of the stick. YOU looked bad. YOU said some shit that made you look like a fool. YOU got played. YOU broke the golden rule. YOU knew what you were getting into and decided to take a chance. Look where that got you? Alone and fucked over by everyone you thought were your peeps. All because some dude who you decided just to fuck, and nothing else, fed you some bullshit lines about caring and all that other stupid shit guys say to get a piece of pussy.

I'm not here to bash you. I'm here to make you understand and realize that you can't teach a mother fucker with two left feet how to walk a straight goddamn line. You got comfortable and once you did, he smelt blood and put you in a place where you felt "safe". Never fuck a fool to just fuck a fool. If you do, then leave it at that and ONLY that. People can change but when you pull something like, "Eh, what the hell" thing you pulled to see what happens, it will get you fucking nowhere. You my dear are a prime example. You're a strong woman who just got caught slippin'. We ALL get caught slippin'. Don't be saddened by all of this because you did it to yourself. As for your friend? She's not one. She's a whorecunt broad that did you dirty. Friends don't do that shit. Well, at least ones that are ride or die with you. Lesson learned.

It was all fun and games until you said, "Eh, what the hell." Hell is what you got alright. Wake the fuck up and move the fuck on. Ain't no mother fucker worth changing who you are as a person. And you can take that shit to the bank.

I need a drink.

J-Wunder