The Call, The Kitty, The Foot Job and The Subway Sandwich

Dear Cat Woman,

It was Saturday night when J-Wun and The CREW hung out and went to the Condor Club. Hoping I was going to get my fix of tits and ass, turned out to be a complete failure. Thanks J. What the fuck were you thinking bro? As I sat there next to Flo-Rich watching the main stage, I became bored. So much in fact, that the chubby girl who looked four months pregnant gave me the sign that this was by far the worst strip club I have ever been to. It was so damn bad that after her two song set, I crumbled up a dollar, threw that shit on the stage and told her to go buy a onesie with it. The sad part, that was the only money she got. A pity dollar. A "please get the fuck off the stage" dollar. You're welcome.

I was drunk. I was horny. I wanted something. While Flo-Rich was playing an intense game of Angry Birds, I knew it was time to leave and escape. So I hit you up with a text.

"I'm in the city. Wanna meet up so we can do this? Hit me up."

3 minutes later...

"I'm on my way. I'll let you know where I'm at. I know a dark place where we can get kinky. Purrrrr..."

I told J I was going to the bathroom as I headed for the exit. The only thing he could say was, "Bro, if the bathroom entails you fucking around with hoarder bitch, then have fun with that. Let me know if you need assistance getting your head detached from her Fatimus Prime pussy. I know a great locksmith in town." I bounced to meet you.

I get in your ride and we end up in a dark alley...somewhere in China Town, I think. As I sat there drunk with a huge boner, you didn't hesitate to take off my pants and give me the infamous Cat Woman bj. It was like I was sticking my dick inside a bowl of whipped cream filled with warm custard and lemon wedges. Wait, what?

In the back seat of your 92' Corolla, I noticed you brought your cat "French Fry". While I sat there getting dome from you, there was French Fry hissing at me like you were supposed to suck HIS dick. I didn't even know French Fry was a guy. All I know is that this little fucker acted like you owed it something. It was at that moment of the hissy fit that it happened...

"I want to surprise you with something."

As you took off your shirt and big ass elephant sized panties, I became disgusted. You're special to me when you suck me off but when you get naked, I become speechless and my body seems to react as if I'm about to have the stomach flu. I'm almost positive I found an apple turnover stuck in one of your titty rolls with mayo on it. The smell of wet cat and potpourri became fierce. I was becoming sober again. You started to look like Jabba The Hut but with a vagina so hairy that I thought it was a white kid with an afro down there.

"Lay back baby, I'm gonna show you what I've been working on."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and imagined a world where it was just my cock and your mouth. I became hard again and knew that whatever was going to happen at that moment I just had to run with it and make sure it never happens again. That's when you farted then blamed it on the cat. Just so you know, no animal farts like a dinosaur. So loud. So fierce. So fucking awful. I didn't let that break my concentration though. Sitting there waiting for something to happen, I felt something.

It was wet, warm and beastly like. Almost like two horse hooves were choking my dick. It felt good but weird. As I slowly opened my eyes, there you were...giving me a foot job while eating a sandwich. A sandwich, really? Subway. Footlong. Extra tomato. You can't make this shit up. There I was with my eyes closed getting a foot job by a very large man looking woman who was eating a goddamn Subway sandwich playing with her nipples that resembled that of two broken trash can lids with bullet holes in them. Then came the chips. While I was doing my best enjoying what was the most oddest fucking experience in my life, you opened up a bag of chips and were crunching away like you were a natural at multi-tasking eating and pleasuring men.

"You can eat the sandwich, but not the chips. Please. This is fucking weird."

You put the chips down, finished your sandwich (in like 5 minutes) then focused on the job at hand...or should I say foot. I've never seen feet move so fast. It was like Usain Bolt was jerking me off. For a minute I thought my dick was gonna catch fire and we were all gonna be screwed. As soon as my dick started to feel like two cub scouts rubbing sticks together to earn their fire making badge, it happened. I came with such ferocity I startled French Fry from it's nap and it looked at me with a mix of surprise and disgust. "The feeling is mutal, French Fry," I thought. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a sick bastard and I was digging it. From the moment you lubed your feet up with KY and started eating that sandwich while playing Command and Conquer on your titties, I realized I was into your fucked up approach to being kinky. And the more I was digging it, the closer I was about to blow my load. That's when it went downhill...

Your cat jumped on your stomach as I was pointing to cream on your tits. There was nothing I could do, nowhere else I could have gone. So I did what any other drunken man would have done...I shot my wad with such furious anger and great vengeance all over your cat, feet and everywhere in the car. That little fucker was not amused and in the end looked like a snow leopard. You screamed. I laughed. The cat hissed then scratched my shaft. The inside of your car looked like Spider Man's webslingers had exploded, there was so much jizz everywhere. Then, you did the most unthinkable thing you could have ever done. You tried to stick you foot that was soaked with my cum in my mouth. You sick, nasty, fat, Yeti of a she-beast. If I won't kiss you what makes you think I am going to lick your cankle that is caked in my own cum?

I'll be honest, this wasn't going to end. But after my dick exploded in your ride and you pulled that "hey, lick your semen off my foot," I knew that was the straw that broke the moose knuckles back.

That was finally it. I knew there would be a point when you would do something so foul and horrendous that not even I could let it slide. I punched you in the foot and toppled out of the car. I was in an alley, pants around my ankles with zero fucks to give so I penguin waddled the fuck out of there and tried to find out where the rest of the crew was.

I never had a foot job. You were my first and probably last. I can't believe I am writing this. I'm a good looking guy who fell for a woman who looked more like a man than a woman. This had to end and I'm glad it did.

Take care and thanks for the fucked up ride. Time to check myself into some therapy.

Anonymous