Advice Column: When In Doubt, Go To Facebook

So I need some advice. I read and follow your blog and its funny as fuck and your advice is right down to the muthafkn truth so if you could swing some (advice that is) my way it be much appreciated. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months because he fed me bullshit lies about where he was the night before, he ignored my calls and texts when we were suppose to hang out that night. I heard from him 9 the next morning he told me his phone was dead and he'd been walking all night because he ran outta gas. Soon as I called him he called me one name after another and was super pissed I was calling him a liar and didnt believe him. He hung up on me and hours later sent me a text apologizing for how he talked to me. Well I went on FB n saw he was tagged in his buddies post about an epic. Crazy birthday night. AND in another post where he did in fact run outta gas drunk driving but his buddies room mate came to my bf's rescue and she helped him out with a ride. Now why would he go and lie about walking all night and having a dead phone. This is why I broke up with him because he couldnt tell me the truth. Did I do the right thing? Do you even know why he may have lied to me? I didnt want to end our relationship but he lied, when telling what really happen wasn't so bad at all UNLESS I'm thinking he did because he hooked up with this chick. Any advice/help you can give me would be great. Thanks a fuck ton!!!



Dear Lied To,

FACT: We all hate liars. Especially bad ones.

As I'm writing this, I'm drinking a Bloody Mary and laughing hysterically. Why? Because the fact is, your boyfriend...

IS A FUCKING IDIOT.

Real talk.

Although I want to bash you for being a sensitive little girl, I won't even go there. This is not about you. It's about your boyfriend who thought he pulled a fast one. Man, this cat has no fucking idea, huh?

If there is one lesson that 72% of society who use Facebook need to learn it's this:

STAY THE FUCK OFF FACEBOOK IF YOU PLAN TO LIE, CHEAT, STEAL OR KILL.

Your man...he is the definition of FAIL, DUMB FUCK AND IDIOT.

Kudos to you for dumping Captain McDouche. Even if it was for a Category 1 Sweet Valley Twins High School lie. Bad liars are good for one thing - NOTHING.

See, if this dude was smart, he would have answered a call OR text before the night went "Hangover" style with the boys. That way, he gives you the low down on what his "plans" are so by the time you get off the phone, you're not worried and it's smooth sailing for him and his boys. However, he went the other route and ignored you which was probably the dumbest shit to ever do when you're in a relationship. Please note: if you want your girlfriend or boyfriend to trip the fuck out on you, ignore their calls and text ALL FUCKING NIGHT. That'll make a mother fucker go into a goddamn tailspin of crazy. Truth.

If ignoring you wasn't damaging enough to your poor little soul, you found out the real deal via Facebook....STRIKE TWO. If your man was smart enough, he would have told his friends, "Guys, don't be Facebooking tonight...you know, just in case we get into some fuckery." I knew by just reading your email that these clowns were straight up rookies. No group of people who have an "epic night" post shit on Facebook. EVER. If they do, just know the night wasn't as epic as they say it was. Because IF it was, why the fuck would they even be thinking about Facebooking, right?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

That's like the golden rule of fucking rules when partying with a group of people. Keep that shit in your circle and your circle only!!! Epic? The only thing epic was your ass getting dumped for being a fucking idiot. Shit head.

NEWS FLASH: Relationships involve trust and honesty. Two things you didn't get even though it was probably nothing but petty shit you stressed over. How-the-fuck-ever, if it wasn't that BIG of a deal, he would have told you...straight up. Ask any man out there...when we lie, we lie for a reason. And that lie, ain't a small one. Your boy was either fucking, sucking, getting sucked, playing "just the tip", flicking the bead, getting his stress balls de-stressed, blah blah, fucking blah. Sorry to tell ya sister, but your man was up to something. I'm a good liar and, at times, have gotten away with murder to some degree and have never...never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, pulled some stupid shit like your man did. Even when I was completely wasted and blacked out. Ok, that's a lie. I probably have gotten caught just like he did BUT in my defense, I learned from it and mastered the art of knowing what to do when I want to do the DO. Feel me?

The worst part about all of this is how you found out he was lying - FACEBOOK.

Aaaaaaahhhh good 'ol fucking Facebook. The one Social Network that we love and love to hate. The funny part about all this is that since you had some sort of feeling he was lying, you did what any other person would do...troll Facebook and hope for answers. Like the crazy woman you are, you found exactly what you were looking for...Dildo McDickfuck doing some shit he never mentioned to you. Shame on you for trolling. Shame on him for Facebooking...or his friends Facebooking and tagging like the shit was going out of style. If you don't want to get caught or found, NEVER FACEBOOK.

STRIKE THREE.

I'm not here to get into specific details as to why your bag-o-dicks boyfriend lied to you. Bottom line - he lied. He got caught. And he will do everything in his power to get out of it. He may have cheated. He may have not. Only he and his clique knows the answer to that question. And just so you know, there are two ways to get out of a lie when you've been caught:

1) Tell the truth.

2) Tell a lie on top of the lie you already told.

This cat is an awful fucking liar. It's not rocket science, sweet tits. If he tries to come crawling back, it's because he's trying to save face and get himself out of Doucheville. If he accepts the fact that you dumped him, then well, he knows that you know that he knows he lied. Either way, you'll be single and he's a jackass. There are plenty more dicks in the circle jerk me lady so stop trippin'.

Now, although I bashed your man and didn't knock you for dumping him for lying, I do want to say this:

Ease up on trolling Facebook, aight? You look like a fucking stalker who is 27% bat-shit crazy. Don't be that girl.

Now, go celebrate breaking up with your man by getting underneath someone else.

Cheers,

J-Wunder