Advice Column: What's That Smell???

Hello, 

So I have a question. Actually... It's more of an observation. And I think it NEEDS to be brought to some mens attention.

So in this day and age, it is completely acceptable now for a man to groom himself in his genital area. Not only does it look sexier to a female, but we all know where this is going. Less pubic hair in the mouth, up the nose, alot less cheesy sweaty ball sweat.

So WHY..... why why why do most men feel that the ONLY area they have to worry about is the balls and dick?

Most men have WAY more hair in their butt crack than women do. Most men sweat more and different then women do. And when a man takes a shit.... Chances are he's only using a few swipes of toilet paper and that's it. No wet wipes to finish it off like most women I know do.

So I leave you with this:
When I'm going down on a man, especially in the 69 position or if I'm laying down and he's standing on his knees (spread) above me...... I like to get really into it. Ya know, take care of everything. Balls and dick. And when I see a well groomed man I'm all happy and it makes me wanna perform better.

And THEN......

I get a whiff of that sweaty, nasty, hairy, shit smellin ass crack while I'm all up in the balls or laying back in a 69   And that shit makes me wanna puke. It is such a turn off and I don't even wanna finish at that point.

Please please please tell ur male readers to pay attention to this area.   There is a large population of women out there that complain about this.

But how do u bring something like that up in "that moment". It's embarrassing to the guy and it ruins the mood. But it's almost impossible to get thru without saying anything. This is a dilemma. Theres only one solution

MEN.... shave that ass crack. Don't stop at the balls. No woman wants to smell your poop when she's giving head.

I don't know how to say it to him without hurting his feelings. He probably doesn't know. So.... Since u have such an infectious amount of followers and u give it straight and 100% real. They will listen to you.

Please help ur fellow man.

Thank you. 

Sincerely,
Danni girl



Dear Danni Girl,

Couldn't you have just wrote in, "Dear J-Wunder, I hate it when guys don't groom past the balls. It's gross. What's your take on it because I know the men who follow this blog will listen. Thanks!"

Instead you wrote me all kinds of shit that probably left 18% of my readers sleepy as fuck.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Anyway, I'm done giving you shit. Time to get down to business (no pun intended...yet). It's gooo time!

Men, if there is one thing you need to realize, it is this:

SMOOTH AND CLEAN IS THE NEW 70'S PORN BUSH.

Fellas, remember back in the day when we all went through puberty and saw pubic hair growing around our privates? Remember how it felt fucking amazing because we knew that we were "developing into our bodies?" Remember that shit?! Bad ass, right? Growing out a bush and making your shit look like a stylized Chia Pet was the bomb! I remember when I used to get out of the shower, I would comb my pubes so I never had any tangles. Wait, what? As if my cock was gonna go out on a date or something. I ain't gonna lie, I even splashed a little bit of my pops Old Spice on the wang...you know, to make that shit smell manly as fuck.

Then one day, it happened...

Everyone and their mother were "grooming". It was almost a sign to let every person of the opposite sex know, "If you want a piece, your shit better be tamed WAY the fuck down." Because let's be honest people...no one...no man or woman likes to see something that looks like Chewbacca starring in the musical, "Hairspray." I'm just sayin'.

Every chick I know is groomed. Whether they shave their pootie tang down themselves or get it waxed by Beatrice at the Salon/Spa, 88% of the ladies take care of their shit. And trust me when I say this...US MEN APPRECIATE THE FUCK OUT OF IT. Especially me, because as a lot of you know, I'm a muff pie connoisseur and I can't be having extra sides of creepy crawlers if I'm munching away on some Pate de la Pu-se´.

Once some men took notice, we followed suit. If shaving around my wang, balls and taint was gonna be my golden ticket to board the Pound Town Express, then sign me the fuck up. I'll wax that shit myself if I have to. This was the mentality that a lot of males were thinking in addition to just realizing that "Yeah, my bush is looking a little out of control today. It does in fact resemble that of a retarded palm tree. Time to man-scape."

FACT: Grooming is the new black.

One would think because of this, all men do a good job like the ladies. Truth is, we don't. I mean, let's be real here for a goddamn second. Unless you're probably a gay man or work in porn, you think a majority of heterosexual males think in their head while trimming around their wang, balls and taint, "I better shave my ass crack. It's a little out of control."FUCK NO. Why? Because there's a good chance that the girl they are gonna bang, isn't gonna be anywhere near their asshole. HOW-THE-FUCK-EVER, there is one exception to the rule and you pointed it out...the infamous 69 POSITION.

By the way, I fucking love that position. But I digress...

Now, I don't know if you're into beastiality because it sounds like you are sucking and fucking some burly ass dude that looks like Big Foot. Every time you hop on the train to visit Willy Wanga and the Cockcolate Factory, you seem to hit the wall that is covered in fumunda cheese, a little bit of toilet paper, a dash of cinnamon, possibly some corn and a hint, just a hint...of sweaty asshole. Now, as a man who doesn't shave his ass crack and grooms only to the taint, I must say, the problem you're having isn't with guys NOT shaving their backside, rather, it's the guy you're with. Real talk.

I love blow jobs. You obviously love giving blow jobs. The guy you suck off really LOVES blow jobs. But are you giving this guy dome after he's run a marathon? Maybe finished a two hour spin class and the only shower he's taken was dampening his gym towel at the drinking fountain and giving himself a good 'ol rub down? And about that shit smell. You damn well know 75% of men aren't gonna use a wet wipe after they do the initial toilet paper wipe. We're not women. We aren't clever enough to think of shit like that. The closest thing we have to a wet wipe is wetting some toilet paper and wiping our ass with it. There...how's that?

Is the guy you're blowing maybe eating too much Mexican food and drinking malt liquor? I'm just shocked at the fact that even though you bitch about men with stinky assholes, you still take one for the team and finish the job. That's fucking amazing and I kinda want to get a bj from you now because that just spells AWESOME all over the fucking place. BTW - you're fucking gross. But I still love your ass.

Here's my advice so do whatever you want with it.

Next time you are hanging out in Willy Wangaville and it is just smelling like the pit of a 3rd World Country, here's what you do...

Go up to your man and tell him, "Come close to me. You smell that sweety? You smell that on my face? Yeah, that smell. Pretty gross, right? Yeah, well that's your fucking ass. PLEASE wash your shit because I'm one dingleberry away from biting off your sack and never giving you head again." Ok, that last part was pretty fucked up so disregard it. Unless, you're just fucking crazy and would pull some shit like that.

Get over the fact that men need to shave their ass cracks. Hair on their ass crack isn't the problem. NOT taking a shower, is. Because trust me, if a guy wants a bj and some sex bad enough, the dude will take 5 fucking minutes to wash his ass with some Dove soap so you don't have to suffer. Better yet, he will make sure (on his own), he has no funny business near the depths of the black hole.

Men, shave your ass crack? That's like asking men to watch a Lifetime movie marathon during football. Fuck that shit. You CRAY.

Here's another thought - STOP DOING THE HORIZONTAL CARTWHEEL.

I can't believe you keep sucking dong when it still smells like shit down there. Dafuq?

I dig it.

So Fresh and So Clean,

J-Wunder.