Advice Column: The Power of being Oxy-Clean

Dearest Ghetto Genius,

So.. I was addicted to snorting oxys and when I graduated from college, instead of doing the right thing, I blew $100,00 that I won from my dad's death (and he died from an opiate overdose.) but I did some good shit.. paid for my mom to move, gave her like $35,000 out of that money and an ipad and shit. Anyway... without looking at a map I followed her from Phoenix, AZ to near Asheville, NC. After living in big cities my whole life, I fucking hate it. Besides the fact that I'm sober not by choice, I did the right thing for me here, got a car-- that I crashed while sober in a really bad rain storm, had an apartment but my landlord also sold Oxys so that sorta went to hell fast... now I'm broke and living with my mom, which isn't bad.. I worked over the summer, I'm taking classes through ASU online again, that's all awesome.. but over the summer I met a guy here.. who is really nice. The nicest guy I have EVER dated. Clearly, I am a person that makes awesome decisions so its safe to assume there's been a large amount of assholes in my life. Short(er) story is...he's great, but when I met him he was a virgin at 22 (which I changed.) but shortly after I found out I was not just his first... but his first girlfriend. first kiss. ugh. Besides that, he's got OCD bad enough to be on medication which is fine, we all have our own cups of crazy.. but he went home for two weeks and came back with all of his ticks REALLY magnified to the point I couldn't sleep next to him for five days. I'm pretty sure besides being done with this town, I'm over the relationship. I just don't want to dump him because my mom legit sat me down and told me if I do, he will fail out of school because he will have a breakdown. He's really NOT a bad boyfriend. He's just.. two years younger, and not my type.. He was my type when I was lonely and still on drugs. He also knows this, and really isn't letting up. Even after a couple of days of me saying, "dont touch me". Which blows for me, I have a kick ass libido but I really don't want to be with him. I would rather just do my own thing. Is that bad? I mean it seems reasonable since I'm actually sober for the first time in years and I just want to figure it out.

I know how many really super friendly, sweet comments would be posted on this but sincerely, I just want a no bullshit answer from someone who I don't have to lie to.

Dear Oxy-Clean-and-Sober,

In my post-election hangover I thought to myself, "Self, let’s answer some questions and help the people of the world with our awesome and free advice, via Inside The Mind of a Ghetto Genius." I thought, "It’s going to be so nice to read something OTHER than political rhetoric and one sided commentary, from all sides."

Never in my life have I wished it to be 11/06/12, more than I do right now. I wish I could be reading political posts about what -the-fuck-ever, because the shit you just wrote was fucking painful to read. You have actually managed to melt my thoughtsicles with your rambling, nonsensical, completely and utterly fucking stupid email about something that sounds like some Twilight bullshit, come to life. I am still looking over my shoulder and hoping no sparkly-ass vampires pop up and start talking to me about everlasting love and werewolves. Because I will straight up judo-chop a mother fucker. REAL TALK.

Pay very close attention to the words on your screen, for I am about to change your life.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, who just read your letter (especially me) believes for one millisecond that you are not Lindsay-Lohan-to-the-Nth-degree fucked up on everything from bath salts to Elmer’s glue. Ba-LEED-dat. You know how I know that they know that you don’t know? Because I have put just about every possible drug in my body, in many different forms and permutations. Twice. So, don’t even try to sell me your magic sobriety beans. Please go sell crazy elsewhere. We are all full here.

With that being said, you shouldn't be trying to find ways to dump your boyfriend. You should be trying to find ways to keep one, of what I am sure are the very few men around, who actually want to play with your busted ass snatch, which resembles something off of a "vaginas of meth" poster. I am gonna take a stab in the dark (you know, pretty much the only way your boyfriend will try to fuck you) and say that all of this drugging and "clean living" has you looking a little less like Giselle Bundchen and a little more like Amy Winehouse’s corpse (RIP). You know the saying, "don’t look a gift horse in the mouth?" Yeah, that kind of applies to you here.

I get that you are more worldly than a Red-Light district hooker and WAY more disease ridden (thanks, Belgium, for making prostitution legal), but you should be honored that your boyfriend thought that saving himself for your cooch that looks like a speed punching bag in a Harlem gym was a good idea, not trying to find a way to get rid of him for his lack of experience. His lack of experience probably saved you from him nick-naming you "hallway" and himself "hotdog." What I'm saying here is, he may not be perfect, but sister girl.... Neither. Are. You. Ya dig?

I also read all that shit about how you tried to do the right thing and bought your mom a two-story double wide and an iPad (really, you are proud of yourself for buying your mom an iPad) but you really should have given you mom the greatest gift of all time. Not being a drug addict.

I am not knocking people with addiction, either, because I known plenty of people who have struggled with addiction and who have gone on to live successful lives, post addiction. You are not ever going to be one of those people. "Why?" You ask me, scratching the hair you probably haven’t washed in three days. Snort another oxy rail, babe, and let me color you a picture.

You are a selfish twat.

No, no, you are not fucked up and you did not just hallucinate that. You are the worst kind of drug addict. You are not trying to numb your pain with drugs, you are simply the kind of bitch that gets high, just to get high. You know how I know that? Because you said that you are "sober, not by choice." To me, that does not scream, "addiction to numb the pain" that screams, "I may be on probation, but if a mother fucker hands me a Pixie Stick, I am going to snort that shit up and go dance on a table." People with the disease can’t help themselves. You can, you just chose not to.

Also, don’t give me that shit that if you break up with your boyfriend he is going to go Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I highly doubt you are his saving grace. Yeah, he might have a raging case of OCD and be nutty like a three-balled-baboon, but I promise you this: You are not keeping him from taking a base jump without a parachute. You might actually push him into doing it, with your selfish, twatty, behavior.

Here’s my final answer. Take this gift card to Home Depot that I am mailing you, go there and buy yourself some wood. Then, build a bridge and get the fuck over yourself.

When you are done with that, take a long, hard, look at yourself and go get some real help. Maybe if you realize that the sun doesn’t shine out of your crusty beaver, you may become more useful than taint hair. Until then, keep snorting shit so that when I see you on Intervention I don’t feel so bad about all the fucked up things I did on drugs.

Keeping it real since ‘79

H-Bomb