Advice Column: Chill Grandma!

To J-Wunder!

Ay yo dawg! Before I get started with the shit that's bothering me, I wanna just say thank you and thank you for all the work and time you've put into your blog. Very often it is just exactly what I fucking need- a good laugh, a reason to feel nothing in this world matters, a way to get away from all the shit life brings to me, a time-out from the decisions awaiting to be made, etc. You name it. Allright, you've probably never seen what I am about describe to you, but I can be wrong. I am reading your posts from the very earliest entry and working my way to the most recent ones. It is about family....Wait! Stop right there! Not just any family; not with siblings, not with parents. Those shit are just too common and fuck, everyone gets it and shit. It's about GRANDMA. Ya, Grandma.

Here it goes: this is my second year into college and I live with my grandma and my brother, whom I both love very much. I spent the first year of college living with my brother only, which was great because he trusted me and shit. If I was going out, I just needed to let him know that I'm out and aint coming back home tonight. He never cared what I was out for cuz he trusted me. And I dont do none of that shit, I dont smoke, do drugs, start fights. For fuck's sake, I'm just a teenaged boy who needs some social life outside of my job and school, u feel me? Well this year, I'm living with my grandma too.  She expects me to be back home by 11pm when I go out. Ya..11 fucking pm, I mean the fuck I'm gonna do until 11pm? Shit starts at 11pm man. I've tried to explain it to her but she says I'm a selfish mother fucker for staying out late having dun and making her worried. Well, isnt she selfish in a way too for making me have to stay at home and not hang out with my homies, JUST so she doesnt have to be worried? Also, every morning, she wakes me up with a very very very very annoyed tone and anger for some fucked up reason. It's like the fuck did I do? It aint like I kicked you in the head in my sleep did I? Yet it's the same every mother fucking morning. I get as little sleep as it is cuz of my job, school and ball team. I dont need that negative shit first thing in the morning when I wake up man. And until I get out of the house, she always speaks in a very annoyed tone reminding me the time. "It's 6:15...It's 6:17...It's 6:20, you gon' be late" WOW, chill, will ya? I can read the god damn time too. I'm fucking 19 and am very fucking responsible. I keep up with my studies, I have two jobs, I do not spend my family's money at all. I coach basketball...3 teams! I manage my shit well. Yet she seems to refuse to believe I don't need to be treated like a fucking 9-year-old. It aint a matter of me having to feel I'm a grown man. I dont need someone complimenting every shit I do. But I also dont need someone telling me off for nothing either.

Best,
Just trying to do the right thing!



Dear JTTDTRT,

Hey man, before I start my sermon, I just want to take this moment to thank you for all the support. Without fans like yourself, this blog doesn't exist. And if it does, it probably fucking sucks. That made no sense. Anyway, time to break some shit down for you.

FACT: 73% of old people are fucking angry. Why? Because they're old mother fucker, why else?

FACT: Grandmothers are overprotective. Doesn't matter how responsible you are, they just want what's best for them. You heard that right. THEM. Not you. YOU can go fuck yourself.

FACT: Your grandma, isn't going to change.

19 years old, going to school, working two jobs and coaching some basketball. Congrats man. It's people like yourself that the younger generation need to follow. Don't find many people these days trying to do the right thing. Nowadays, we got some lazy mother fuckers who bitch and complain about worthless shit like not having enough money for video games and the iPhone 5000. Just know those will be the people who will live in their parents basements FOREVER.

Alright man, so after drinking a 5-hour Energy and two cups of coffee, I have some solid advice for you. Here it goes...

IGNORE YOUR GRANDMA.

I know you love her. She's your grandma and all, but fuck man, just ignore her. Why? Because she's your grandma, she's old and has nothing better to do but be angry and watch re-runs of Donahue, Days of Our Lives, The Golden Girls, QVC and some shit with the Diabeetus guy. You'd be an angry mother fucker too if you had to go through that every single goddamn day, right?

If there is one thing I've learned about grandparents and grandmothers, in general, it's this:


1) Don't talk back to them.

When I was younger, my grams was living with us for like 3 months. She was a fucking bitch too, bro. She would just yell, to fucking yell. At first I was like, "This bitch is crazy. She needs to calm her ass down with all that yelling. Power trippin' like she's the goddamn TSA agent at security checkpoint." It drove me crazy because she did this E-V-E-R-Y D-A-Y. And like you, she would come at me like I was some bad kid. Then one day it happened...she drove me to my breaking point and mouthed off some shit that rubbed me the wrong way. I told her, "Grandma, you need to chill because if you fall, I ain't gonna help your old ass up." I shouldn't have said that. You know what she did to me? This tough ass broad spit chew (yes, my grandma used to chew tobacco) in my face, backhanded me like a little fucking bitch in the face and said, "Shut your ass up and go make me a fish sandwich. Fall? Boy, I will break your twiggly ass in two. Say something like that again. Pussy."

Never said shit to grandma ever again. Matter of fact, I think I gave her ass a pedicure on her crusty ass feet that day and every week after. Mad respect grams. R.I.P.

DON'T TALK BACK!


2) Don't think you know better.

You're 19. You don't know shit. Even if you're a fucking genius, realize when you're around your grandparents, you're the dumbest mother fucker in the room. Because these lovely people are old as dirt, they've been through some shit that you, I and the younger generation really need to appreciate. They've seen some fucked up shit they would never wish on anybody. They've lived through decades of things that didn't include cellphones, laptops, video games, Facebook and Jager bombs. They were troopers that did whatever they needed to do to get where they needed to be today. So you popping off like you're Albert fucking Einstein will not only piss them the fuck off, but make them feel like you are testing them and their intelligence. DON'T TEST THEIR INTELLIGENCE. Even if you know they don't know what the fuck 2 plus 2 is. Grandparents - know EVERYTHING. You - know NOTHING.


3) Let them live in whatever world they want to live in.

Again, you're 19. She's just fucking old. Big difference. To old people, today's generation are fucking crazy. So to protect you from being part of that crazy, she has rules and regulations as to what you can and cannot do. Where you can and cannot go. What time you will and will not be home. You can't talk them out of it because like line item #2 above, they aren't drinking the Kool-Aid you're serving. The thing about grandparents is that a majority of them (depending on how old they are because let's be honest...we got mother fuckers who are like 35 and are now grandparents. Which reminds me to you parents out there - STOP THAT SHIT AND TELL YOUR KIDS TO WRAP THAT SHIT UP OR GO ON THE PILL FOR FUCK'S SAKE!) don't want to live in the world that they need to adapt to. They want to stay in the world that they knew best growing up. That world no longer exists but are you gonna tell them that? Fuck no you aren't. Unless you want to get spit on and backhanded, go right the fuck ahead. Zip the lip and just let it be.

So with all this shit being said, all you need to do is:

IGNORE YOUR GRANDMA.

Why? Because she's not gonna change. You're not gonna change her. She's still gonna yell at you, remind you when you have morning boners and that you can't get a girl because you smell like one. That's what grandparents do, playa. That's why you love them and that's why they love you. NO MATTER WHAT.

Chill the fuck out and just go about your business. Unless your grandma is stealing from you or fucking your girlfriend or homies, ignore her. She means well. Sure she might be a little fucking crazy and you want to beat her with a loaf of stale ass bread from time to time but just let that shit go. Is it really stressing over?

Live your life but keep being responsible. Because whether you get home at 10pm, 11pm or the next day, your grandma is going to worry about you any way.

Much love,

J-Wunder

P.S. I hope you're taking English 101 because your sentence structure and spelling was god fucking awful bro. Fuck. Get a grip on that shit.