Advice Column: 50 Shades Of Crazy

What up J,

First of all been a follower of yours for a minute, love your work. And I apologize in advance for the long letter. But I need some advice..... I been with my female for 9 years, been living together for about 8. My dilemma is we just recently "separated"(last night) because of her non stop insane jealousy. First of all, I've always been a dude to have way more chick friends than guys. Sure I flirt but I don't do shit. Nor do I really look at it as flirting. (She does) I just seem to have a natural repoire with women. We get along and I just seem to know how to talk to em and make female friends really easy. But she got such extreme jealousy I can't even play or joke around with my female friends, can't get too close, no physical contact no matter how innocent it is without her straight tripping the fuck out.

Last night we were all drinking and she started losing it because me and one of my female friends were horse playing ( nothing sexual) more like junior high kids picking on eachother. Slap fighting and shit. Keep in mind my girl was literally 8 inches away from us and could have joined in on the drunken shenanigans, instead she freaked the fuck out. Waited till my friend passed out, started snapping at me, words were exchanged and she decked me in the fucking eye. Hard too, I got a swollen ass black eye like I caught a fist from fucking Rampage Jackson.

Now this is just the most recent time. She gets incredibly jealous and angry even if I just pay attention to another female who I been friends with 20 years. I ain't never cheated on her..... she says she has trust issues from past boyfriends. Meanwhile Im not allowed to have any kind of good time with any female other than her. Needless to say after I got my eye busted last night I called it quits. My problem is I Legit love this girl. I want and need to be with her but if I am I can't even have a close female friend (even if I known em 20 years). What the fuck should I do? How can I make her realize that she ain't being right and I wanna be with her but I ain't sacrificing every single female I know for it. That's just fucked. Help me out J.

Sincerely,
Tightlips



Dear Tightlips,

Before I get to my advice, I gotta ask. Tightlips? Really? Like pussy lips? Because that is one fruity ass sign off. Real Talk.

When I got your email, I had to read it once...then twice...and then a third time.... then it happened... my way back machine pulled up and I got in and took a drive down the Ike Turner Highway.

I flashed back to a girl I dated back in the day. This girl that was cool as hell. Cute. Nice ass. Great rack. Could chow on pole for days on end. Loved sports. Kept it real. I thought I had found the Holy Grail of bitches.

Fast forward to about 8 months into the relationship:

BITCH WENT KA-DU-KU.

Do you know what kaduku means, playboy? In Guam, when someone says, "You're kaduku" it's like saying you're crazy...but not like your average crazy. I'm talking like, "Bitch might stab you in the face just because the sun is shining too bright" crazy. I'm talking Kevin Spacey from the movie "Seven" crazy.

As much as she "loved" me, there was one problem - GIRLS. Not just any girls, but girls that were my friends. I feel you bro. I fucking feel you...but not in a gay way. You seem like you might be gay enough for the both of us, Tightlips McGee.

I knew my girl was not only jealous, but kaduku, when she tried to stab me with a spoon. One would think you couldn't stab a mother fucker with a spoon and succeed. Apparently, you can. I did not know this either until her brother told me she stabbed his ass in the back (literally) because he broke her movie "Clueless" on VHS. Ever since then, mother fucker doesn't eat anything with a spoon...even soup. My bitch was crazy like a soup sandwich. And since I fucking hate Souplantation, I ran like Usain Bolt from that lazy-eyed psycho bitch. Don't judge because she had a lazy eye. When that shit was working, she was on-point.

See, the way society works is simple - men tend to have friends that are female and vice-versa. Hey, shit happens. That's life. However, some people, like my old lady and your kaduku ass broad don't see it that way. Fuck no they don't. They think everyone is trying to fuck on their man, all day, errrryday.
The girl I was dating literally fought bitches. I'm talking, didn't even say a word to them...just went up to a chick and started going Van Damme on them, Bloodsport style. High kicks and all. Crazy, right? When I'm in a relationship, the first thing I tell a girl is this, "I have a lot of friends. Some of them, if not a lot, are women. We're tight and it goes nothing past a friendship." You know what all women I dated say to me when I tell them this?

"Sweetie, I have friends that are guys. I get it. It's not like you like them or want to fuck them so why would I care?"

6 months later, you wake up to your chick staring at you while you sleep, counting your breaths to make sure they are not too fast - which could only mean that you are cheating on her in your dreams. Real. Talk. The following may have happened or is about to, but make sure you are securely fastened in your seat because you are about to take a ride on the crazy train. Signs that your bitch might be 50 Shades of kaduku are as follows:

1) Accuses you of cheating...even when you've been with her every second of the day. This includes sleep dreaming, day dreaming and/or thinking.

2) Tells you daily that you want fuck all your homegirls...including any of your relatives, her relatives and her own mother.

3) Has no idea why you have three dead rabbits in your bed even though she's slept with you for the last 2,920 days.

4) Wants to get married and have 13 kids.

5) Reminds you that you're a piece of shit.

6) Let's every person know you're a flirt.

7) Tells your mother you're a player.

8) Screams and cries that you don't love her while "your song" acts as climactic background music with a slide show of your trip to Cabo is playing on the tv.

9) Mentally abuses you.

10) GOES KA-DU-KU.

Once your bitch jumps off the Cliffs of Kaduku, there is no getting her back. It is best to just cut your losses and let her go Aileen Wurnos (Lesbian Serial Killer from Florida) on some other poor shmuck.
Before you start packing your bags and patting yourself on the back for surviving the last 96 months of Chinese water torture, let me drop a little truth nugget in the toilet bowl that is your life. You are just as much at fault for the crazy as she is. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you are not doing anything. Period. You need to look down between your legs and remember you have a wang. No matter who this bitch is, I don’t care if her pussy shoots out sparks when she cums, no one can be that crazy, 24-7 and expect to keep a relationship going. Unless you are a sadomasochist. In which case you are probably already back together with the she-witch from hell and she is beating you like a 3 dollar hooker.

How you dealt with 50 Shades of Crazy for 9 years is beyond fucking me. I dated crazy for 8 months and had enough of her monkey mouth bitchassness. Don't get it twisted...I love women but you need to realize, like men, bitches got a "crazy switch". Once that shit lights up and turns on, you are fucked. And not in a "oh yeah baby, tickle my nuts again" kinda fucked. I'm talking "Jeffrey Dahmer, broomstick up the anus" kinda fucked. Keep this up, not only will you find yourself in a bathtub filled with ice, no kidneys and no cock but, poetry on the bathroom walls written in your blood and her dookie. I would say that's far fetched but when you got a broad who goes ape shit on you for no reason then almost knocks you the fuck out...her confessing her love on bathroom walls covered in blood and corn covered dookie seems legit.

I'm just confused as to why after 9 years you finally had enough of this shit now? That "crazy switch" must have gotten a new fuse, huh? End it while you can or I'll be watching your ass on the 10 'o clock news dead behind a Popeye's Chicken. And if you know me...I love me some fucking Popeye's. 

Don't even kick her out. Just leave and tell her you're gonna go buy some milk and never come back. 

J-Wunder