What the FuckBook?!

Social networking - the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread, right? As good as it may tend to sound, is it really the greatest thing to be introduced into our lives? My answer: The jury's still out.

As awesome as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all those other fucking sites are, I think us as a society have hit a rough patch. Confused? Keep reading.

Through the lovely interwebs, society has been able to find long lost friends, loved ones, lovers, hook-ups, sluts you wish you had one more night with and much, much MORE. It's fucking amazing to reconnect with the old and engage with the new. How-fucking-ever, as bad ass as all this sounds, it has created shit we never thought we could ever imagine. For instance...


Friendships Gone Bad
Remember that tight ass group of friends you had growing up or just met? Remember how nothing broke that strong ass bond? Remember how no man, woman or drama got in the way? That tightly knit circle was un-fucking-breakable...remember that shit? Ahhhhh the good 'ol days when friendships were actually friendships and were R-E-A-L.

Thanks to good 'ol Facebook and it's counterparts, those tight ass bonds we once knew have turned into shit talking, backstabbing, two-facing and everything in-between. Now, as much as a lot of you may disagree, the reality is, it's true. Why? Simple.

Motherfuckers don't talk anymore. Shit gets "lost in translation". Friends of friends of friends of cousins of friends like to butt-the-fuck-in on Facebook posts and rain on a motherfuckers parade. What's the fastest way to fuck up a friendship these days? Post shit on Facebook so the whole world not only knows you got put on blast BUT gives other monkey mouth bitches the opportunity to add that extra fuel to the fire...when it's none of their goddamn business. Real talk.

Back then, friends talked shit out...IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER. Got a problem? Let's talk about it, playa. Problems get squashed and it's back to 40 ounce drinking and a game of grab ass at the bar. Now, you'd be lucky if you knew what the fuck was going on before a friend of a friend of another friend told your brothers sisters uncle's brothers friend who slept with that slut down the street that blah, blah, blah fucking bliggity blah!!! See where this is going? When you allow that "circle" to expand, a lot of motherfuckers have some shit to say when they have no room to say anything...AT ALL. Don't say I didn't tell you.


Sluts went from SUPER SLUTS to MEGA SLUTS
FACT: Back in the day we ALL knew who the sluts were.

To be honest, when word got out of these slut findings, it was kept a lot quieter because we only knew who those sluts were by word of mouth or if we experienced their sluttiness first hand. But thanks to MySpace (remember that motherfucker, Tom?) the trend of SUPER SLUT started. This was just the beginning for chicks who loved the dick to showcase superior Magna Cum-Slutbag to the Nth degree. Pictures, posts, more pictures, more posts...shit was getting out of hand because what these sluts thought was cool, only made them look worse. Transition all this riff-raff over to Facebook, and super sluts were now MEGA SLUTS. Didn't matter if you weren't a "friend", you could look at broads from your friends profile and have spankbank material FOR DAYS!!!! It was like Social Networking was the door opener for girls who wanted to tell everyone, "Hey everyone, look at me...I love cock and am excellent at threesomes while drinking boxed wine and pounding 6-packs of Zima." "LIKE" my picture...and my status...xoxo. GTFOH with that shit. C'mon now.

Is this the sluts bad on her part? Of course it is. Sluts do shit to make them sluts, right? The problem is, what was once kept on the hush-hush, is now for the whole world to see. Shit, I'm talking like this is a bad thing. I must be sober. Moving on...


EVERYONE is a baller
We are ALL guilty of this (this includes yours truly). Even if this came by accident. You're out with some friends in Vegas and every pic you post is of you and your clique dancing, drinking and "living like ballers" VIP style. What's sad is while you let the world know how you "go big or go home", you wake up the next day, hung the fuck over and realize you have just spent 3 months worth of paychecks in just one weekend and now have to call your parents and ask them for a loan because your minimum wage job doesn't pay how "ballers should be paid...mufucka." Ain't that a bitch?

Kevin Hart put it best when he said, "STAY IN YOUR FINANCIAL LANE". Too many people nowadays think since they have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and a goddamn LinkedIn account, have an obligation to be someone they're not in the Social Networking scene. Let's be real fake ballers...you damn well know your true friends know your sorry ass is broke as fuck, drive a raggity ass Datsun and live with your sister and her husband. How bout instead of you flashing all your bling-bling "making it rain" pics, you pay my ass back for the lunch I bought you at Taco Bell last week, asshole. How bout that, huh? While you take pics of that slick ass Audi S5 you're sitting in, why don't you let the world know you took that shit at the Audi Dealership by your house. Oh, and tell them how you got there...by asking your sister to give you a lift because the Asian market down the street ran out of Kimchee to fill up your raggity ass car since it's too fucking cheap to run on goddamn gas. But you a baller though right? YOLO?! How bout I YOLO my foot in your ass?! STOP THAT SHIT.


1,000,000 friends and counting...
When I was growing up, everyone I knew had a tight knit group of about 5 close friends and some cool peeps that surrounded them. Call it a community of good ass people who had each others back. Today, that shit is non-fucking-existent. Because for some strange reason, 62% of us like to have more than that. True story.

Fuck having 5 close friends and 10 other good ones. Who needs that? How bout 1,274 friends who you consider "good friends"..."my people"..."homies for life". You people who live in that world, do me and the rest of society a favor...

STAB YOURSELF EITHER IN THE FACE, EYE, TAINT OR BALLOON KNOT. HELL, MAYBE EVEN KILL YOURSELF.

PLEASE.

1,274 friends? From the words of my girl, Sweet Brown...

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

Come on people. Today, a majority of us don't look at friendships like friendships anymore. Fuck no. We look at friendships as popularity contest. Who's gonna be the first to 5,000 friends? Susie or Jamie? How bout, eat a dick. How's that for 5,000 friends? Anywhere we go and meet people, first thing a mother fucker says, "Do you have a Facebook? Friend request me." Really yo? Not even 3 minutes into taking a sip of my first beer and a Facebook friend request is popping up? Has anyone heard of stalkers? Killers? CRAZY fucking people?!

Folks, don't ever bitch about "randoms" making comments on your statuses or pics if you ultimately decided to be their friend. You're the stupid fuck to either put out the request or accept one. "But J-Wun...I, I, I..." SHUT THE FUCK UP. While all you care about is being the popular douche you never were in high school, realize that none of us are stupid enough to think you got that many friends...even if the numbers hold true. Unless you're a goddamn celebrity or something of importance, then maybe you might know over 150 people (this does not include any family either, jerk off). Outside of that, you may have met them once in passing, from your cousin who you secretly masturbate to or "accidentally" caught the herp from last Spring Break. Wait, what? You get what I'm preaching.

Quit the obsession with so many goddamn friends. No one is buying what the fuck you're selling so stop your campaign trail before friend #294 finds you, then kills you. Real talk.


Fake it til you make it
FACT: 56% of society on Social Networking sites deceive others around them.

We all know them. These are the folks I like to call "fakers".

As many "fakers" there are on Facebook and other parts of the internet world, I'm going to narrow this category down to two types:

1) The "Good Mom"
You know...those women who fake being a good mom by posting 8 million fucking pics of their kids online and constant posts about how awesome of a mom they are, when we all know your husband hates you and your kids because they smear shit on the wall? Yeah, those broads. Hey, I know a lot of good parents and you know what? They don't brag or post shit about being a "good parent" 24/7. They keep that shit to themselves because honestly, what do pictures and constant kudos about yourself do? You know what it does for me? Makes me think you are in serious need of some fucking attention because you aren't getting praise anywhere else. When you don't get praise, that should tell you, your shit stinks...like goddamn diarrhea after a long night of drinking malt liquor. Here's something funny...if you're such a "Mom of the Year", why the fuck are you on Facebook 10 hours a goddamn day? Chew on that and let me know what you shit out later. Monkey Mouth Bitches.

This leads into a perfect segue for the next type...


2) The Happy Couples
Don't be acting like you and your significant other are all sunshine and roses when we know one of you called the cops on the other one the other night and you BOTH went to jail. How bout instead of posting 240 characters on why you love a mother fucker, you tell him/her in person? Look, I'm all for everlasting relationships but for fuck's sake, there is no need to create a goddamn production via the interwebs because the person you have an undying love for is the same bastard you stabbed in the arm with an ice pick two weeks ago because you caught him fucking your cousin who's a dancer at the local strip club. STOP THAT SHIT.

If you're happy, no need to blast this shit all day, errr day, to showcase what the fuck you got going on. Trust me...no one gets more annoyed than your friends. The day your relationship status goes from "in a relationship" to "single" or "it's complicated", peeps be jumping up in the fucking air like they won the lottery.

Y'all are the same mother fuckers who countdown shit for no reason. Here's a tip: STOP FRONTIN'. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.


Social Networking - it's fucking great. But what has changed is reality. You know it, I know it, we ALL know it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some shit I need to post to piss some mother fuckers off.

I'm out!!!!